December

December 16th

Bass Pro Shop Santa. Isabel was indifferent to him. Isaac wanted nothing to do with him!

No joke, Santa was 95% asleep!

December 17th

HAPPY 7th BIRTHDAY ATTICUS!

Our sweet little baby! A perfect 7 lbs 8 oz. 20.8 inches born at 1:11pm. Eric and I had no idea what we were in for. This little Christmas baby, changed our lives forever.

 

Pink donuts and chocolate milk.

I really wonder what our kids think. How they process all this. It has to be so weird (or maybe not because it's all they know), to have a brother, not here. To have a brother we talk about, cry about, look at pictures of, but not have him here. A brother that, rather then get to play with, we visit his "special spot." A brother that their mommy frequently cries about because she misses him so much... and they know (well, Isaac knows) that when mommy cries, and once she's calmed down we say, "We love you Atticus" and blow kisses to heaven. 

Isaac always races Atticus' cars when we come, which makes me happy. AND... someone (I have a sneaky suspicion who), put up a cute birthday banner. Can I just say... you guys have NO idea how much that means to me. To know that I'm not the only one who visits "Atticus' special spot" means so so much to me.

Eric and I held each other and cried. 

We sang happy birthday, but do to emotion, Isaac was the only one singing for most of the song. Seven years old. SEVEN. What would he be like? Would he still like Hot Wheels? Would still consider mommy his best friends? Would he still be obsessed with golf and baseball? Would 'Skippy John Jones' still be one of his favorite books? Would he still be a terrible sleeper? Would he still love white rice, broccoli, balk-balk (chicken nuggets), kit-kats and eggs? Would he still love to go treasure hunting? And how much different would our other kids be, having their brother here? 

This is seriously the worst thing ever. So surreal. So so surreal.

THIS, my friends is the collection of toys for 'Atticus' Toy-chest!' I laid them all out. Stared at them and cried, so overwhelmed with gratitude for the amazing family, friends, and strangers-now-friends, who helped make this happen. THANK YOU -- THANK YOU -- THANK YOU--

It was so weird pulling up to the hospital. Although our journey was a short 4.5 months, it seemed so long, and the hospital was our second home. So many nights spent there, tears spilt, chemo., radiation, doctor appointments, surgeries... And in a weird way, I miss it. There was a comfort being there. A comfort in being surrounded by a medical team who knew and loved Atticus. A comfort in being surrounded by, what I was hoping, would save him.

Every EVERY child I saw, I had to fight back tears and fight the urge to scoop them up in my arms and tell them how proud I was of them. To tell them how brave they are. I had to fight back the urge to hug their mommy's. Because in that hug would be the silent conversation, only cancer moms know about and  fully understand. A hug that would tell them how very very sorry I am and that they too, are strong. 

Eric and I later talked about that on our way home, how hard it was to not talk to each family. To not know their story. But then we thought, they probably wouldn't want to talk to us. Our outcome is the worst outcome. The one you try so hard to avoid. When Atticus was fighting a got emails from amazing cancer moms whose children had DIPG and for the most part, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them. I didn't want to know what I was in for. I didn't want to talk to a mom whose child had the same cancer of mine and didn't make it. I wanted us to be the miracle. So as hard as it was for Eric and I to not embrace those families, we knew it was the right thing to do and will continue to pray that they feel of our  love and prayers.

...And to those brave brave babies and kiddos. I am so SO proud of you. What brave sweethearts you are being. You have the biggest support system. Earthly and Heavenly cheerleaders praying for you each and every day. On the days where you feel extra yucky, I pray that you feel those angel arms around you.

Dr. Lenarsky... a truly amazing man. He has dedicated his life to finding a cure. Unfortunately, they are extremely busy right now. They are getting 2-3 NEW patients EACH WEEK!!! And, after Atticus and Johanna, they had three more DIPG diagnosis, one currently at the end of his journey. Please, please, please hug your babies. Thank Heavenly Father that they are healthy and whole. Pray for these kids that are fighting. For their parents that are loosing it but trying to stay strong. Pray for a cure.

Marianne. I love her. 

2012. It was discharge day. Atticus' had just had surgery to place his media-port or "pork" as he called it, the day before, and I was terrified and overwhelmed with our "Road Map" (our cancer care plan) and all the do's and don'ts. Meds here meds there. Appointments here... We were walking out of room #5, Atticus balloons and toys in the red wagon, ready to go home, when around the corner comes this angel. Her embrace kept me from falling to the floor. I can't remember the words that were exchanged, but I very clearly remember the strength she gave me. I remember getting a feeling of safety. She knows us (we were in the same ward/church before we moved to Sunnyvale). She knows Atticus and she will take care of us. Knowing that although we were going home and I was scared out of my mind, we were going to see her at the clinic a few days later, gave me the confidence I needed to step outside the hospital doors.

LOVED seeing this cute boy on their bulletin board!

Love love LOVED that this sticker still remains on the door of "The Secret Room!"

After some tears and hugs, Eric and I got to work!

We filled up his toy chest, said our goodbye's then headed up to the 6th floor....

......

...Where I got to embrace this incredible woman. Kammie. Oh, Kammie. I love you. Marianne was my oncology clinic angel and Kammie was my 6th floor angel. She was our very first and very last nurse. And any other time in between if possible. She made sure that Atticus got whatever he wanted!! 

2012. It was our very last hospital stay (we of course didn't know that) and Atticus wanted some food. I called down but the kitchen wouldn't let us order more because we had already met his lunch quota. Well, nurse Kammie, would NOT have that. She called right down and gave the kitchen a word or two telling them that he could have whatever he wanted whenever he wanted and to be quick about it... in came mac and cheese and a pizza~

With as much heartache felt on Atticus' birthday, delivering toys to the hospital was a good and happy thing. We shared stories tears and laughter. We remember that it wasn't all bad and we felt peace in our hearts knowing that the toys, thanks to every one's donations, were going to make a kiddo's day a little more bright!

*****

The rest of the day seemed like it dragged on and on an on. The plan was to go to The Dallas Arboretum, Atticus loved the Arboretum, when Isabel woke up from her nap,  but it rained all afternoon. It made it hard to stay afloat, but we made it through. A big thanks to our family and friends for calling, texting, dropping off letters, treats, and dinner. A big thanks for keeping us in your prayers.

This AMAZING star was delivered. I absolutely love it.

"An Angel is watching over me... Atticus."

Our family members showered us with text pictures of how they spend Atticus' birthday.
Here's just a few...

Bethy and Livvy-girl started their day off with donuts, in their orange and blue gear.

My family played miniature golf and ended their day with ice cream!

For the last two years, on Atticus' birthday, Eric and I have look at pictures and watched video's. But I couldn't this year.  You want to look at pictures because you miss him so so much. But when you look at pictures and hear his voice, you are reminded of just how much you miss him (those words seem sooooo inadequate) and the pain is more than you can bear.

 I didn't want to be reminded of how flippin' cool this kid is. How witty, sweet, and beautiful he is. And just how much we miss him. It hurts too stinking much.

My sweet sweet Atticus. Now in the arms of our Savior. I love you sweetheart. I am so proud of you. I am so grateful for the gospel and eternal families. We will be together again.

An embrace I am anxiously waiting for ~ xoxoxo, mom.

December 18th

The day after big Atticus events, i.e. birthdays, are usually the hardest for me. I try so hard to make it through the day, and I do, but then I crash. But there is no rest for the weary. Isaac school Christmas was that morning, so although I woke up with tears in my eyes and a huge pit in my stomach, I got out of bed and faced the day.

Isabel was the cutest little thing and was very happy to explore the stage and its decor while waiting for the program to begin!

Girlfriends!!

Look closely. You can see a little black shoe under all that fluff. Yes, my friends, our little teeny tiny peanut of a girl, is starting to walk!! And she is beyond proud of herself!

Isabel made a new friend. She loves babies.

New World Day Schools Christmas Program 2014

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer 

Isaac did such a good job! I was one proud mamma. As much as this kid can drive me bonkers, man I love him. He can certainly turn on the charm.

 His "I'm so cool" face is one of my favs!

One of my favorite things about living is Texas is the overall belief in God. There is very little judgement on what religion you are, just as long as you have God in your life and are kind to everyone.

After program PaRtY!!

Sister enjoyed some party food too!

Isaac gave Rudolph cupcakes (since they were Rudolph for their program) to his preschool friends. He was all about helping until he wasn't :)

Isabel getting some Mrs. Cherry love!

***

Isaac fell asleep on the way home from school so he got to have a late night (bedtime at 9pm... party animal) and helped me deliver neighborhood Christmas goodies! 

Flashlight in hand, we delivered and explored!

December 19th

A busy busy BUSY day. WE left the house at 10am and didn't get back until 4pm!

To do #1

Christmas goodies to our favorite Sergent Jacks! Isaac was SO excited to show him his new Spider Man web shooter and wanted to put the darts in his shirt pocket to "be like Sgt. Jacks!"

We got royal treatment. Isaac got to see his "real gun" and sit in his police car!!

To Do #2: Trader Joes

 FYI... they have THE BEST peppermint oreos!!

My petite shopper!

To do #3: Isabel's 15 months check up

Getting up close and personal

She is getting so big and so fun! We just love her and her happy personality.

She can... say mommy, hi dadda, isaac, thank you, please, hold you, dog, woof-woof, meow, no, blow kisses, and has the best baby jibber-jabber you ever heard. She jabbers all. day. long. and I love it. She is my only baby that when she wakes up, she will jibber-jabber and sing to herself for a good 20 minutes before I need to go get her. SHE CAN WALK!! It's very much "drunken-sailor" and adorable. She can say nose and point to it as well as eyes and ears. 

She loves... mommy. sing. loves me to sing any song that has hand actions- and she claps after each one. she loves babies. loves the phone. loves to snuggle. loves the bath. loves to climb the stairs. loves to lay on her tummy with her legs sprawled out while she plays with her toys. Loves the Fisher Price Car. Loves her stuffed doggy. She is such a happy baby. And very rarely cries of fusses. She truly babbles laughs and sings all day long! 

She is by far my littlest baby. She is 15 months old in 12 months clothes which istn' that too far off, but her teeny tiny footsie toes are still in a size 2, which is 3-6 months!! 

Playing the drums on brothers head... he obviously wasn't very amused!

"Eyes!"

Dr. Straughns office switched computer program and are working out the kinks and weren't able to give me her official stats, but here is what he said, Height: in the "less than 5th percentile," which means dropped. She was in the 7% at her 12 month appointment. BUT her weight in that teeny tiny percentile is in the whopping 75%! Short and chubby. Just how we like her.

December 20th

We finally made it to the Dallas Arboretum and were greeted by this jolly man!!

12 Days of Christmas. 

The visit was topped off with a visit from Vixen!

Isabel got her first official haircut. 

They both did great and both loved their suckers!

A little pre-dinner outside play

Isaac is getting so big. He's in a bit of a boo-boo-kitty phase that I'm really hoping passes quickly..

December 21st

Christmas Sunday! Isabel was in the process of getting a cold so we didn't last very long. But they both looked adorable!

December 22nd

Santa heard we were heading to Utah for Christmas and left Isaac and Isabel a Christmas surprise early!! He got to follow the red ribbon from the bedroom to the door where he found...

He got to follow the red ribbon from the bedroom to the door where he found...

A trampoline!!

His reaction was the BEST! "I wanna jump on it RIGHT NOW!!"

And he did. ALL DAY LONG.

Isabel was a big fan too!

Thanks Santa! You're the best.

December 23rd- UTAH BOUND!!

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

xoxoxo, the Hansen Fam