December

December is by far my hardest month. I did good on Halloween and Thanksgiving; I of course missed him; I always miss him, but I was able to keep the depression away. I would have my "moment," shed a few tears then get back at it. But December... holy cow. It started the Saturday after Thanksgiving. And each day the dark rain clouds keep coming in. Each day I feel heavier, the depression getting harder to shake off. I hate it.

I feel like this December has been harder on me than last December. I've been trying to figure out why and here's what I think.

There are so many changes hurtles and milestones fast approaching... Isaac is almost in the exact same place in life where Atticus was before he got sick. 3 turning 4. Isaac will be participating in the New World Day School's Christmas program (and I know exactly what people will say to me, "Let the Christmas program be about Isaac. Not Atticus.").  And to that I say, I know. I try. And all I can do is my best. 

*I love all my children. I would do anything for any of them. Having lost one, does not mean I love him more, but miss him more; because he's not there to watch grow. Talk to. Read to... My challenge on keeping focussed on my other children when they participate in things like this, is not because I love them less than Atticus, but because it is a reminder of how precious life is. It's a reminder of how proud I am of them and of Atticus. A reminder that I haven't seen Atticus participate in a program for 3 years. A reminder that my family is not whole on this earth. And it hurts. More than you could ever imagine.  It is VERY hard to shut off the part of my brain that pictures my newly turned 4 year old, dressed as a shepherd swaying his staff and singing, "Oh Holy Night." Even thinking about it gives me a lump in my throat. It is so hard to balance such intense opposite emotions. Happiness and love for one; heartache and loss for another. I text Mrs. Cherry a few weeks ago and thankfully their class will not be singing 'Oh Holy Night.' Nor will they be shepahrds. I can't thank them enough for making that change. If I hear that song one more time Im going to loose it..

*I watch Isaac with, not necessarily a fear that he will get cancer, but, I can't explain it... Im watching him come to a Y in the road. I KNOW he will be on that path that does NOT get cancer but, in the back of my mind, I worry. It could happen. But because it did happen to Atticus. At this almost exact same age, Atticus HAD cancer. He was diagnosed with a brain tumor. We were told we only had 1-2 years left with our son. He had surgery to place a medi-port. He started steroids. Chemo-therarpy. Radiation. He changed. He matured. He became wise. And we lost him.

*2015 will be the year that Isaac surpasses Atticus in age. And it hurts my heart. Up until this point, I have been in familiar territory. I have had a 3 year old before. I have had a 4 year old before. I have had a 4 1/2 year old before, (typing this, Im in tears trying to swallow that stupid lump in my throat), up until this year I have been an experienced mother. But in 2015, it will be new.  Isaac will be older than Atticus. It's not that I question my ability to mother a 5-6-7... year old but have entered a "new phase" that shouldn't be new. It breaks my heart. Thankfully to this particular "issue" there is a good side. 2015 is going to bring new memories. Memories that will not have a negative or heartache behind it.  I won't have memories to "compare" between the boys. It will all be fresh and new. A good thing and a bad thing.

*We are fast approaching the time when Atticus will have been gone longer than we had him with us on this earth. And it makes me sick. I breaks my heart. And I just can't do it. I don't want to do it. I want my baby back. I want my family together. Here. Now.

Im trying so SO hard to be a fun festive mom. But Im exhausted. All I want to do is crawl in  bed, pull the covers over my head and cry and cry and cry. It's a challenge to keep my bitterness at bay. Seeing everyone happy and jolly and excited when all I want to do is shake them.  And tell them how hard this month is for me. That almost 7 years ago, I gave birth to my first baby. The thing that single handedly changed my life the most (up until Cancer). And 2.5 years ago I lost him. That in a matter of days we will be celebrating his 7th birthday without him and 8 days later, will be celebrating Christmas without him. And I DONT WANT TO DO IT. This sweet baby, is not longer in my arms and it hurts.

2007

2008

2009

2010

2011

On the first Sunday of the month we have whats called "Fast and Testimony Meeting," click HERE for more information. This month I felt prompted to participate. I said I needed to thank Heavenly Father and also apologize. I don't remember word for word what I said, but something along these line...

I have spent a lot of time being angry. Angry at the Lord. Angry that we lost our son. Angry that somehow I needed to find strength comfort and peace through the atonement of Jesus Christ. Thinking, "Yah. Like that's going to take away the pain of loosing my child. How is Heavenly Fathers loss for His child going to make the loss of mine any better. It only makes me more sad, because HE feels my pain and hurt too."

But that's just it. HE FEELS OUR PAIN. He loves me. He loves you. He loves Atticus. And for whatever reason, Atticus' passing needed to happen. 

It has been a VERY long hard road. One that is not anywhere near completion, but I can truly say that although I don't understand, I am finding peace. I am finding peace through our loving Heavenly Father. Now, this does not mean I don't hurt or have angry moments or months (obviously) but what it does mean is this, because of the sacrifice our Savior made for us, being born   and then sacrificing his life for each and every one of us, we can be together again. Our families our eternal. Because of the gift HE gave us, we will embrace one another again. 

These two quotes help me so much. I repeat them in my mind regularly. Both by Elder Jeffery R. Holland...

"What we know will always trump what we don't know."   and...

"Before you doubt your faith, doubt your doubts."

I hope we (especially me) can remember this special gift throughout out the season.  I love you Atti-bug. Im trying my darndest for you sweet boy. Some days are good. Some days are bad, but I will keep trying until I get to you. xoxoxo

************
DECEMBER 1st: RAINBOW LIGHTS !!!

The Alexander family once again, fulfilled our sweet Atticus' wish for rainbow lights.

They may just be lights for many but for me, it's like they are wrapping our home in a big happy Atticus hug. And I love it. I see them and it makes me smile. And I KNOW it makes Atticus smile!

THANK YOU.. THANK YOU.. THANK YOU..

Isabel... although a petite little thing, she thinks she's pretty big stuff.

First Present of Christmas...

Christmas jammers and a new Christmas book!

Christmas Tree Decorating!!

Somehow, decorating the tree turned into a light saber battle!!

Our tree topper: A for our Angel Atticus

Atticus' rainbow light tree.

DECEMBER 2nd:

Isaac asked, "Are we painting the roof?"

I love spending time with this smiley face.

This girl is everywhere. Up. Down. Over. Under...

She really really wanted the Advent Calendar...

And was really really sad she couldn't reach it.

Christmas packages from Grandma Lori. A LEGO Advent Calendar.

Isaac was beyond excited. And danced...

... and flipped and flopped in celebration!

Isabel got The Fisher Price Nativity...

She too, was very excited. 

She loves the donkey! She "conducts" music when the angel sings!

Thanks Grandma Lori!!

DECEMBER 3rd:

Merry Christmas sweet boy. I love you.

Bass Fish Pro Shop fun!

Writing to Santa

He loves that he is learning to write his letters.

DECEMBER 4th:

A chilly afternoon at the park!

I LOVE watching these kiddo's together. Little people acting big!

On your mark-get-set-GO!

DECEMBER 6th:

The Nutcracker- I got to play "Kevin" for the day.

Ahhhh-Mazing. 13 Rows back and center!! Leslie and I were in ballet heaven!

DECEMBER 7th:

Christmas church clothes. 

I love you baby.

And so do your siblings...

 
Isaac's getting so big.

I love this picture. She always does this. Sprawls out on the floor!

She wasn't much in the mood for taking pictures.

After church Daddy and Isaac wrote his official letter to Santa.

Very carefully folding it and putting special sparkles in it to send it to the North Pole.

DECEMBER 9th:

A day at home: Shaving Creme Paint

And backyard fun.

I love love LOVE our neighborhood, almost every house has Christmas lights. It makes me so happy.

DECEMBER 10th:

The Gallaria Mall Christmas Tree

Isaac was much more interested in the ice-skaters below than the light show.

Sister Sue, however wanted to climb her way up to get a closer look.

I was explaining to Isaac that we were having a birthday party for Atticus and that the presents people sent, we would be taking to the hospital to help kids who aren't feeling well. I watched from the corner of my eye as Isaac stared into the distance and said, "Say 'Thank you' Atticus." I'm pretty sure Atticus paid him a visit.

DECEMBER 11th:

RASPBERRY HANDS

DECEMBER 12th:

The North Pole Express!!!

Two very excited kids (and mom)!

Laughter. Christmas carols. Smiles. It was so much fun.

Isaac: "I loooooove reindeer! Dasher--Dancer-- ... What are the other names again mom?"

Isaac was seriously in awe...

I LOVE this picture. It was so fun to watch Christmas through his eyes!

Sure love these two babes.

"I see her! I see her!" (Mrs. Clause)

Sweet dear Mrs. Clause.

It was by far his favorite part. He wanted her to sit by him.

"The bell still rings true for those who truly believe."

Miss. Blue Eyes.

The North Pole Express ended with a visit from Santa.

Although Isaac didn't want to get close to him, he was happy to see him!

So was she!

Later that night...

Happy 1st Birthday Caleb Luke Fish!

We got to celebrate Caleb's 1st birthday! Leah surprised all the kids with Caleb Superhero capes. I'm so proud of her. She did such a great job. The party was a beautiful tribute to a beautiful boy! Happy Birthday sweet Angel Caleb. We all love and miss you so so much.

DECEMBER 13th:

Atticus' 7th Birthday Party

My sweet brave boy.

I didn't want to sing this year. Last year it about killed me. So we ate as the party went on.

Isaac the fussy feisty pants-- who on occasion had fun at the party. Little pill.

Audrey had just completed a somersault down the slide.

Colin... a football jumping ninja!!

Chrissy.. Jocelyn.. Me.. Leah (6 mo. prego w/ Alexis Grace).. and Leslie!

Noah! Always supporting our Atti-Bug.

Atticus' last birthday party here on earth. 

He was turning 4. And specifically wanted a Lightning McQueen party with a  blue dinosaur cake and cars. He bounced his little birthday heart out!!

THANK YOU to all those who participated. we are so grateful. You have no idea how much it means to us... That you remember him. Love him. And love the sweet children who are currently fighting.