His LAST week!!!

This is our LAST WEEK of RADIATION

Can I get a whoo whoo!!

On one hand it has gone by so fast and on the other is seems like our life before DIPG was forever ago. 5 more treatments...

 RADIATION DAY #26
Monday March 5th

 It was a very GOOD morning. He was so happy that it was his last Monday. He didn't even cry while being accessed! Treatment went fine. Oral airway again, but they use it every time now. The only thing is, when they took the oral airway out, they got a little bit of blood. Not a huge deal, but still, hurts a mamma's heart. So they cautioned me that he may cough up a little blood and have a sore throat. We stopped by Toys R Us on our way home (Im pretty sure we have exhausted Targets Hot Wheels car selection!! JK) for Atticus to pick out a race pack. His reward for being so brave. Once home, we soaked in as much Grandma time as possible. She and Attius were outside doing races down the alley and he said, "Grandma, Im going to miss you!" Im pretty sure it took everything she had to not totally break down. It was a really good visit. Like really really good. He did complain of a sore throat for a few hours.

Grandma Hansen had to go back to Utah Monday at 5pm.
Sad. Sad. Sad.

We had SOOO much fun with her. She and Atticus raced cars sun up to sun down. He had her wrapped around his little finger. Anytime he'd say, "Grrraaaaandmaaaa!" she would get this sweet smile and be right by his side. He even had her racing his tricycle down the alley...

If that's not true love, I don't know what is!

We love you Grandma.
Thank you! xoxo.

While Atticus and Grandma were outside playing, Isaac and I were inside cleaning (sometimes it feels good doing 'normal' things). Im pretty sure Isaac had just as much fun as Atticus did! He LOVED being my helper.

Mr. Clean. Mr. Clean!
 

Two of my favorite men...

Thank you for the AWESOME package Uncle Dustin and Sarie

 

RADIATION DAY #27 
Tuesday March 6th

Treatment went fine. Nothing to report. He is a trooper. Each time, while he's still asleep, I sneak chapstick on him! And clean his ears :). Sneaky momma.

Atticus got a special package on Tuesday. A Washington CAPITALS hockey jersey. SIGNED. He was so excited. Thank you to my cousin Heidi and her husband (who is the teams physical therapist) for putting this together. As soon as it was opened, he was wripping off his old shirt to put it on!

 

Honorary hockey player! The Washington Capitals are now our favorite hockey team!
They should be yours too!!

 

RADIATION DAY #28 
Wednesday March 7th

Daddy and Atticus went solo. I dropped Atticus off to Jocelyn and ran errands. I felt like I was running a mile a minute. But I got a lot done! Eric said treatment went fine. That Atticus was very serious while being sedated. He had Dr. Davis which Atticus is always happy about. He is by far the best Anesthesiologist.

Once home, Atticus and I finished plant our tomato plants and raced cars while Isaac napped. When chunk woke up, Atticus decided to join him in the crib. Asked me to get them a few stories, and began "reading" to him! Then he got the cutest mischevious grin on his face and  said, "I know! How about we play dark spooky shadow!" So we closed the blinds turned off all the lights and were magically transformed into spooky shadows! This kid has a great imagination.

(the lower left pic: we made a fort for the boys!)

..Isaac..
This little boy has been fuuuuusssssy.

He cried almost all afternoon so I ended up taking him to see Dr. Straughn. Teething. UGH! I almost wish they would all come at the same time to get it over with. The poor thing is absolutely miserable. Teething wasn't this hard on Atticus. And fussy is totally out of character for Isaac so it makes you feel extra bad and requires patience. Something I am always in need of!

But amidst the tears, which are frequent lately, he has the sweetest smile and is so dang cute.

Race Car driver in training...
 

RADIATION DAY #29
Thursday March 8th

I don't think I have mentioned that Atticus has been sleeping great! Eric and I are still switching off nights with him. But he is sleeping through the night. He hasn't woken up for a 3 am snack in a long time. As soon as radiation is complete we are going to work on him sleeping on his own again. Eric and never get time together. It will be nice to have our evenings back, to talk, watch our shows, hang out! I miss him.

I think the "Elves" may start leaving, "Sleep" rewards. The power of surprises is GREAT.

Dr. Davis was the Anesthesiologist this am. Hooray!! Atticus was pretty serious again. While being sedated he said, "Ahh. Ahh. Ahh." Its crazy how quickly it knocks him out.

They rush me out of the room pretty quickly to get him oxygen. As I watch him as I walk out, sometimes I feel like he's been the adult in this situation. He has always been so strong. So brave. I love him so much. He is such a warrior.

I have been pleasantly surprised with the little amount of hair loss.

 

Is he not the cutest thing?

 

ACCORDING TO ATTICUS...
1. "Well, at least today.... (long pause), I love American cheese!"
2. "Oh! Your SO hilarious."
3. "Oh gross!! Corn. Don't eat it mom. It has vegetable in it!"
4.

ISAAC UPDATES...
1. Words: ball, balloon, wow, amen
2. He blows kisses, gives high five, pulling himself up on things
3. Gives high five
4. Pulls himself up on things
5. Stands up in his crib
6. Getting into cupboards (lucky Daddy gets to put on about 50 child locks this wk end)

One more treatment. ONE!

Packages... THANK YOU!  Thank you for sending Atticus (& Isaac on occasion) packages. It truly brightens his day. When your kids are happy your happy. So that sweet sweet smile on his face puts a smile on my face too! Thank you taking time out of your lives to send things to him!

Lots and Lots of love.

 

The weekend...

It was a BEAUTIFUL weekend. Saturday morning we made a yummy breakfast, went to a local nursery to pick out flowers and herbs. Then Daddy and Atticus went golfing while mommy grandma talked (we are VERY good at it) and Isaac napped. 

Once the boys were home from golfing we played outside for hours.
Isaac loves the swing!

Grandma's Magic Bag brought a KITE... We had SO much fun!
It was perfect kite flying weather.

Seriously, this kite was awesome!
Rumor has it that Grandma's Magic bag stopped by Costco if your interested!!

Wrestling... Boys will be Boys!  

SUNDAY...

We all went to church! Daddy. Mommy. Atticus. Isaac. Grandma. I was so excited to have Atticus with us but nervous as well.  He didn't want to go to Primary at first (class for the children where the get to sings songs and have a fun lesson) but he changed his mind and DID want to go. I brought a big bottle of hand sanitizer and as each child sat down, I gave 'em a squirt!

One of children's best quality is there innocence. I know that they don't mean to hurt feelings and don't know that some comments may hurt feelings, but a few comments were said, "Why are his cheeks so big?" and "His head is huge!" and "How come he is so much bigger?" I pray that he didn't hear any of them or that Heavenly Father blessed him with temporary deafness. It took every bone in my body to not cry to not scold to not grab Atticus and go home. I tried to respond as "happy" as I could and said, "We LOVE chubber cheakers at our house!"

It was a tough Sunday. An emotional Sunday. If Atticus didn't leave as happy as he was, I wouldn't take him again. But he did. He left happy. Telling us, "He was crackin' the adults up!" His Primary teacher sent me a text that day telling me how cute he is and that he has the best giggle.... I agree!

I am so grateful for all the wonderful people that surround us. The wonderful people that offer love and support. I know everyone means well and are trying to offer comfort in such a trying time. And Im grateful. Im grateful for their good intentions but sometimes it causes me more pain than comfort. What's comforting to one may not be comforting to another. And maybe later it will be comforting but after hearing the comments said to Atticus and already being incredibly emotional and sensitive, stories told did more harm than good. Please don't me wrong or think me rude. Normally those tender stories are a strength, but like I said, this particular Sunday was a hard Sunday.

We got home from church and I had a total meltdown. I went to my closet and cried my eyes out. My sweet husband came in to comfort me and I snapped at him, "I don't want to be told to cheer up and I DON'T want words of encouragement." I felt bad. I love you honey. Thanks for being by my side no matter what I say and do.

I tried to dry me tears, went out (Atticus was calling for me) and tried to function. Atticus was being silly and wanted a "dance partner", silly thing between us. I picked him up and we danced like crazy people. Then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. We're not going to dance forever. I quickly put him down and told him, and daddy I needed to go for a walk.

I walked for an hour and cried every minute of it. Somedays its hard. It's too much. Sunday was one of those days.

Thankfully, Heavenly Father heard my cries and blessed me with the strength to go back home and put a smile on my face. We played. Put the kids down for a nap. I cried again. I hate cancer. I hate it. The kids woke up. I dried my tears and we played some more. It ended up being a good afternoon.

I snuggled with Atticus all night. Grateful that for right now, he's in my arms.

Thank you all for being here for us. Thank you for understanding that Im only human. Im going to make mistakes. I hope that my mistakes don't offend. Im using a very small portion of my brain to "cover" real life. So If I do say or do something stupid, please remember Im functioning an a very small small portion of my brain :)

xoxo

Radiation Day 23-24-25

RADIATION DAY #23
Wednesday Feb. 29th

Treatment went well. He had to have the oral airway again but needed it BEFORE the mask was on. They think its due to how "puffy" his face is. Even with him being down to 1 mg of Decodron. So we take each treatment day by day. He will most likely need the oral every time. Thank heaven he is asleep for it.

Grandma's magic bag provided us with A LOT of laughter and A LOT of silly faces...

Tell me you don't just want to squeeze this boy! He is getting so big. I really feel like I had him yesterday. He is starting to pull himself up on things and has found new love in the washer and dryer :).

RADIATION DAY #24
Thursday March 1st

Treatment was good. Nothing exciting or out of the ordinary. Except Atticus of course. He is always exciting and anything but ordinary. Grandma's magic bag brought him his very own apron, "#1 Sous Chef Atticus!" They made yummy cinnamon rolls.

ps... I ate FIVE of them!

Riding his BIG BOY BICYCLE. We had SO much fun! Video on Facebook HERE

Silly String fun. His ears are red from the radiation, it gives him the sunburn look. You can also see the hair loss above and around his ears. I love him!

Oh Chunk!!

ANGELS for ATTICUS wristbands 

(let me know if you want one!)

RADIATION DAY #25
Friday March 2nd

He had the oral airway again. Eric and I noticed something. When he does NOT have the oral airway he comes out waffle faced. When he DOES have the oral airway he comes out fine. So Im thinking the oral airway must help with his swelling. Just a thought. They told me that his skin looks really good. He left hear has a tiny skin break down but other than that, they just look sunburned.

One more week. ONE. One more Friday. One more week of treatment. It was just me and Atticus today so we decided to have a "Date" at McDonald's. Once home, he strapped on his bicycle helmet (I LOVE that he calls it his bicycle not bike) and we have been outside all afternoon.

 FUNNY THINGS HE'S SAID... 
1. "I need to bicycle train some more."
2. He finishes almost every sentence with "bock bock head" or "Chicken nugget head"
3. He has been saying "My pleasure" the last few days. SO cute.
4. He was looking at a picture of himself on my phone and said, "Look at my chubby cheeks." Then busted up laughing.
5. A "stranger that is now a friend" sent Atticus a package including the book "Skippyjon Jones." It is HILARIOUS. He frequently quotes, "The dude just wants his beans back!"

Radiation Day 22 and 23

RADIATION DAY 22
02-27-12

Monday's are our least favorite day of the week. Atticus asked Eric and I Sunday afternoon while we were playing outside, if we had to go to the doctor the next day. Then asked if he was going to get a poke. We are always appropriately honest with Atticus, and told him yes. I tried to quickly remind him that we have magic cream so he won't feel anything but Atticus ran away crying. I ran after him telling him that we only had 2 more Monday's. Just two and that he has been so brave that he can do this. After some silly faces and reminding him about the "credit card" Auntie Jen sent him (an American Express gift card!) he was back to his happy self excited to pick out a pack of racers after treatment with his very own credit card.

Needless to say, Monday morning I woke up to a good case of anxiety. Again, I was reminded about a loving Heavenly Father, and His involvement in our life. Atticus was happy as a clam. Woke up wanted to get dressed, do a few races, and was ready to hit the road! A very much appreciated blessing.

He said the same thing he always says while being sedated... "I'm getting hard!" When treatment was done and we went back to his room he was waffle faced. Big time. Meaning his NEW mask was super super tight leaving imprints on his chubber cheakers and chin. My heart sank.

Dr. Munoz told us that Atticus had to have an oral airway again. If they have to us it again Tuesday, they will do a CT right after treatment to check his breathing. If it is compromised they will make another mask. That hopefully we won't miss anymore days of treatment. We only have 8 more!

He left to schedule the CT but came back in explaining that in Dr. Davis' opinion (anesthesiologist), the oral airway was needed because of extra phlegm. To scratch the previous plan.

I could see Eric stewing in the corner. If it was a cartoon, you would have seen angry smoke coming from him. So...

Cindy: "Eric, if we want a different plan, lets tell him now rather than go home, get even more upset, than have to leave 3 messages before they call us back."

Eric: "I am upset. It just seems like a no brainer (no pun intended). This is exactly what they told us last time, that he needed the oral airway because of extra saliva possibly do to a cold or allergies. Then ended up having to make a new one and Atticus missing 4 days of treatment."

Cindy: "Okay. Well, it's no skin of their backs. It's our child. Our money. I'll go talk to him."

So I did. And I didn't even have to get out my "mama bear" attitude/tone. Go Cindy!!

CT is scheduled for tomorrow (Tuesday) right after radiation.

 Atticus came home from treatment to find Grandma's magic bag filled with a surprise. Star Wars fingers puppets! He's a big Darth Vader fan.. go figure!

Mrs. Cherry came Monday afternoon and as always was amazing. I wasn't there (taking my sister to the airport) but Atticus practically jumped on me when I walked through the door with his excitement. He showed me everything they did and we sat down to do his letter homework. He LOVES his letter homework. I know I say this every time but I can't end a post about Mrs. Cherry without shouting to the Internet/blogging world how amazing she is. How she is the BEST teacher in the entire world. WE LOVE YOU Mrs. Cherry!!

 

RADIATION DAY 23... NOT... AGAIN... No I'm not kidding.
02-28-12

 It's 8:10am I'm finishing my hair and get a call from Dana (this first radiation nurse we had that we LOVED). There was a construction accident. AT&T cut the hospitals 3 main Internet lines. Radiation goes through the Internet (I don't really get how but whatever). So we were supposed to "hang tight, stay home and comfortable until they figure things out." Yeah right? May I remind you that this kid hasn't eaten since 6:30pm LAST NIGHT. How long are we supposed to hang tight for?

Distraction is a beautiful thing. There is pretty much nothing that a good wiggle bike ride can't cure :). We went outside and played. He ran around like a crazy man. Rode his wiggle bike like a crazy man and had a great time. I called the hospital at 9:30am to get an update and was told no treatment. Plan on Wednesday. I realize it's not the hospitals fault but was still pretty bugged. Do they not know that I have told my 4 year old, who has an impeccable memory, that he only has ONE more Monday now? This day missed is tacked on to the end, March 9th. A Friday. If we miss one more day we would be into another week. Another poke. Don't make me a liar Medical City...

 Atticus asked me about 20 times why we weren't getting the "white stuff." It gives him good dreams so he's a fan of it. I personally feel like that's another blessing from Heavenly Father. Any little thing that makes this process easier. I told him the machine wasn't working today but we were going tomorrow. BUT we still get to see the Oncology doctors.

Our appointment was at 11am. We saw Dr. Goldman. He majored in "Superhero" and minored in Hematology/Oncology!! JK.  Atticus always gets the best superhero information when we see Dr. Goldman. He loves it and so do I. Dr. Goldman was SO IMPRESSED with how well Atticus is doing. His right eye can move 3/4 of the way now! YAHOO! He can jump, run, skip, climb. Atticus, aside from the steroid appearance, is pretty much back to Atticus. It was so fun to see the doctor so excited! 8 more days of radiation. Eight.

In all honesty, it's a double edge sword for Eric and I. Good: hooray we made it through radiation. Bad: We're done with radiation. Our best shot is done. I had some specific questions for Dr. G regarding our post radiation plan. Knowing me it would bring tears so I had Marianne (one of the Onc. nurses who was in our old ward/church location, and a strength and friend to us) take Atticus to the play room. Not to get in to details, its too hard, I had a complete and total meltdown right there in front of Dr. Goldman. Sweet Amanda, another Onc. nurse came in and gave me to offer a tissue and hand (Eric was at work). I LOVE our cancer team.

Sometimes the reality is too much. Too hard. Too painful. I don't want to do it. I don't want to loose my son. But I guess no one in this situation does. Sometimes I can forget our reality, a coping mechanism I suppose. But every once in awhile it sneaks up on me and I get so overwhelmed and so upset I can't breath. I have so many fears. One hard thing for me is that I'm a planner. There is no plan. We seriously cannot plan anything because we don't know. We don't know if the tumor will stay at bay for 2 weeks, 6 months, or two years. We can't plan on the Chemo stopping it. Everything we do is on a day to day basis. How he's feeling. How his symptoms are. How he's responding. How much time we get. I want to scream. I seriously want to have a two year old tantrum. And kick and hit until I get my way. But that's not reality. Sure I can cry and scream but I have two beautiful kids. I have an amazing husband. I have to carry on. Yes allow myself these emotions, which I know are good and natural, but I have to embrace each day the best I can. And most days I do and can, for at least part of the day. But today I couldn't. Right at that moment. I wanted a different life. I wanted a different diagnosis. One with AT LEAST ONE survival rate. I wanted a redo button. I left driving home depressed and fighting back tears. Don't get me wrong I am SOOOOO proud of Atticus and SOOOOO happy he is doing well. I just want him to do well for the next 70 years. With me.

A tender mercy happened that afternoon. My sweet husband, who I love with all my heart, had a rough day yesterday and we never got a chance to talk. It seems like we very rarely do anymore. The days are so busy and the nights, well one of us has to sleep in Atticus's room. We need to figure that out... ANYWAY. My sweet husband and I had the opportunity to actually talk. Both kids were sleeping and we actually had the energy to talk. To cry. To hold each other and be reminded of why we can do this. We can do this because we have each other. We have a loving Heavenly Father who, along with all the prayers of family and friends, is giving us strength and carrying us every step of the way. Even when we don't see it. It is amazing how much better we felt. Talking it through. Yes we are going to have our down days. And that's okay. It's normal and good. All these emotions we feel are.  BUT, finding happiness is essential we have haven't been doing that great at it the last little bit. So we talked it out re motivated ourselves and got pumped for the adventures we have to look forward to. We cannot change the outcome. We cannot change the fact that we don't know how much time we will be blessed with. So we need to stop waiting for the end but living it. We have decided to make a "Hansen family Adventure List" aka Bucket list. We are going to make a list of all the fun and exciting things we want to do in the precious time we have. We want to rent an ice cream truck for an afternoon, take a limo to McDonalds, camp in our backyard, ride a train somewhere exciting... just to name a few. Life is about attitude and dang it we are going to give it all we got. We are really really REALLY going to try and keep a good attitude. We have a special child, given a special mission. Who wants to waste precious time? Not us!! Today we choose happiness. Today we choose hope. Today and as many days as we possibly can, we choose to find joy in our journey and start working on our "Adventure" list.

If you made it to this point, thanks for reading. I know it was a lot. You are all witness to exactly how I feel. I'm not sure weather to say thanks, sorry or both... I'll go with both. xoxo.

 Playing outside..

 

I love my boys. I really really do.

 

Play date with Noah... I'm pretty sure that every time the Q's come to visit they feel bombarded :). The second they walk in the door, Atticus starts playing and "Noah over here" "Noah look at this." And I start chattin Joceyln's ear off. Thanks for putting up with us guys. xoxo

 

The weekend...

SATURDAY: My sisters book club sent me the most beautiful boquet of tulips a this week. We enjoyed them each and every day. Thank you "Worlds Best Book Club- Utah Edition!"

Stace is a flower girl and every day she would arrange them and take out the not so pretty ones. Well the purple tulips were the last to go and she did not want to throw them away. So us being us being silly and making fun of eachother and decided to make it a photo shoot! These are the beautiful purple tuplips...

This is what the purple tulips really looked like. We were laughing so hard. Good sister moment. I have LOVED having her here.

Grandma Hansen and the Boys! Atticus wanted Grandma to snuggle her when she got to our house (11pm). She said that he woke up in the night and said, "Hi mom... Holy Cow! Hi Grandma!" He woke up at 5:30am (he usually gets up early on the weekends since he knows he can eat first thing) and the literally raced cars ALL DAY.

Racing cars, burrying cars, washing his tricycle... they had a VERY busy day!

Mr. Rolly Polly! Tell me you don't want to eat him up!! He just so squeezy!!

Auntie Stacie's pretty cute too!!

He crawls!!! Like crawl crawls... Go chunky go! We are so proud of him. He is getting so big. I want to stop time. He is at such a fun age. I can't remember if I already posted about this so if I did skip on over this :) Isaac's now says: uh-oh, dadda & mamma of course, hello, thank you, wow (super cute because he says it with a lot of expression), and his newest word is ball! He blows kisses, plays peek-a-boo, waves, and LOVES to snuggle. He has THE BEST fake cry. Is doing this growling thing and pretty much is the cutest thing ever. He is in LOVE with squeezy baby food (and I love it cause he gets his veggies) and can now hold them himself! Big stuff.

The weather was AWESOME this weekend and we spent the entire time outside. I can not tell you how amazing it is to see Atticus play, kick a ball, hit a ball, climb on the play set (he can totally climb the latter by himself). It does our hearts good. Aside from his "steroid look" he is almost back to himself and we LOVE it. He had picked out his very handsome outfit!

Date Night: MONSTERJAM! There was a Monster Truck show at the Dallas Cowboy Stadium Saturday night and we got awesome tickets for FREE. They teamed up with the Texas Oncology group and gave all their patients tickets. Atticus was SO excited to go. He picked out his handsome outfit. We decided to make it an official date and started with dinner! A yummy greasy whole in the wall burger joint and it was DE-lish!

He was absolutely mesmerized. He loved it. We made him wear ear plugs AND headphones and it was still super loud! It was a really fun night. The highlight for him: 3 truck landed on their heads, a few lost tires, and one caught on fire!! He is such a boy!!!

SUNDAY: Im not sure who put the quarter in this kids but he a crazy man today... FULL of energy! Atticus is very lucky. Grandma Hansen brought a "Magic Bag" with her. It hangs on his bedroom door and at random times, her magic bag magically creates a toy or book or treasure. Today her magic bag created a race track for the tub. BIG BIG BIG hit! She realized it was the only place he could't race cars. So naturally he had to have one :)

Radiation Day 21

Friday Feb 23rd ..TGIF.. We looovvvee Fridays. I love that Atticus loves Friday. He has been chipper all week but was super happy this morning. He was telling daddy, Stacie, Chunky that his port gets taken out today (not really his port but the needle and tubing). Daddy had to go to work this morning so it was me and Atticus today (chunk stayed with Auntie Stacie). It was fun to be just us! We got some EXCITING new on the drive to Dallas. Make a Wish called... ATTICUS GETS A WISH! We are so excited. The lady was darling and said the "Wish Granters" will call me first of next week to schedule a time to come meet our family and visit. Once off the phone Atticus and I started talking about what he thinks would be a fun vacation. Here are the things he said: Dinosaur Museum and he wants to have a picnic outside. Then he said he wants to take a vacation on train. THEN he said he wants to go to Disneyland. THEN... he said he wants to go to the beach and play in the sand! So who knows!! We are just so excited to spend time together! WOOHOO!! Treatment went by super fast today. I made a few phone calls wrote a Thank You card and they came and got me. Sleeping babies are just so sweet. I love watching him. His deep breaths, rosy cheeks, his chubby lips that I sneakily put chapstick on because he never lets me when he's awake, I love him. Once home be decided to have a BBQ and put some chicken apple sausages on (there at Costco and super yummy) Stace did some veggies and we ate outside. After lunch we raced cars down the slide over and over and over again. It was a fun afternoon. Tonight was really fun too! We had yummy dinner via Jocelyn, then after I put Chunk to bed, Eric and Stacie played scrabble, and Atticus and I played "Memries" aka Memory. He loves that game. He gets THE cutest victory smile when he gets a match.

SUPER ATTICUS...

Oh Isaac. Why is it he'll drink milk from the gallon but not a sippy cup! Boys will be boys...

Atticus LOVES getting mail. He likes to sort through it and make piles. One pile for him and one pile for us. We go through each one talking about where it came from and who sent it (just so you all know, we keep every single one! We put them in his special letter book!) anyway, we were looking through the pile and came across this letter. Atticus said, "Look Dad! A card from Jesus!" It was so funny!

Grandma Hansen comes in tonight! We are so grateful for our amazing families that are so willing to drop everything in their lives to be help us! THANK YOU!