Missing him...

Our church is three hours each Sunday. The first hour (Sacrament meeting) we are together as a family. The next 2 hours the kids go to Primary/class where there is sharing time (a cute activity/lesson) then singing time. Last Sunday I was filling in the for the sharing time pianist. The chorister had a jar with popsicle sticks each with a child's name on it to draw from when she needed a helper.

She drew from the jar and read the name, "Atticus... Oh, he's gone." 

Crazy as it is there is indeed another Atticus in our ward he is 11 or 12 and cute as can be. And he was indeed out of town... Now when she read that name I knew it was not my Atticus she was talking about but the combination of, the reality that my Atticus is gone, and he should be in primary singing with the other kids, brought me to tears. So I ducked my head a little as the tears rolled down and was teary eye the rest of the time. 

When church was over, I quickly grabbed Isaac and Eric, we got in the car and I bawled. Just one of those things. On the drive home Isaac kept saying, "It's okay mom. It's okay. Don't be sad." I told him that I was missing Atticus so we said, "I love you Atticus" and blew a kiss to Heaven. Then Isaac said, "I love you Atticus" all on his own and hearing his sweet voice say those tender words made Eric tear up and me start crying all over again.

**

I'm a broken record time and time again. I miss him. It just so surreal. Nothing to say and nothing to do but cry. I miss this wild man. I miss hearing him say at bedtime, "But MOM... I can't sleep. Rest. OR relax!"  I miss this way he said Isaac's name. Some days are so hard and heart breaking. I miss you buddy. So much. I hate cancer. I hate everything about it. I hate that it took you from me.

Summer 2010

He was a fish and loved to swim. He of course thought he was much better than he actually was and scared the pants off me and Eric.

He was always game for sprinklers in his undies.

Seriously. I just look at this picture and sob. I miss him so much. I just want to scream. It's not fair. It's not fair that he's gone. It makes me absolutely sick.

I miss seeing his "treasures" around this house. He was all about zip lock bags and containers to put them in. He LOVED his Book of Mormon and loved his "stiggy metal!" The watch that is laying on the Altoids "treasure" box was his favorite. It had puppies on it. I put it on him as I dressed him for the last time. Cutting off a tiny piece of the end to stay with me

We receive a "Dove Print" from Community Hospice of Texas every month or every other, with articles poems and tips on grieving and how to get through it. Normally I just take a quick glance and throw it away, but July's caught my eye and each article perfectly described how I was feeling. 

"Grief has a way of damming up inside and cutting us off from everything and everyone we care about until we can no longer receive or give joy. We block out the good in our lives and focus solely on the bad. We stop reaching out to others (SO me), and eventually they stop reaching out to us. We stagnate in depression."

Thankfully that is getting better for me but that is exactly how it was in the beginning.  The article goes on to talk about how we can unstop the dam and regain happiness.

MY WISH LIST

author unknown

Just good tips for those who are supporting family/friends who have lost loved ones...

"If I cry or get emotional when we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew it isn't because you have hurt me; the fact that they have died has caused my tears. If you allow me to cry, I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing."

(I have to talk about Atticus. I have to. I have to hear his name. And I am always grateful to those of you who talk of him too. We need it.)

"I wish that you knew that the death of a child is the ultimate tragedy and cannot be compared to other losses."

(I'm getting much better, but in the beginning I had the hardest time sympathising with people because of we have and are going through.)

"I wish you knew all these 'crazy' grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death."

(I do feel crazy. One day I'm fine and the next, "I can't do it anymore." And  have definitely had my battles with Heavenly Father)

"I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholic's, I will never be 'cured' or a 'formally bereaved', but for evermore be recovering from my bereavement."

"I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, all of which are related to my grief." 

(I lost about 15 lbs when Atticus got sick, I couldn't be bothered with eating. There were days I never even went to the bathroom, not once.. but once he was gone I gained the 15 and then some. I couldn't stop eating --pregnancy aside-- Every night Eric and I would eat and eat in bed at night and just cry. And still do unfortunately. Not necessarily cry every night but watch TV and eat to distract us from reality. It's horrible and we need to get a grip on it.)

"I wish you to know that I am not the same person I was before my loved one died and I never will be that person again. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to support the new me."

(I don't necessarily think the old me is totally gone but I am most definitely not the same person I was before. Which is good and bad. For instance, commitments give me big time anxiety. I hate to commit to things not knowing how I will be feeling. I sleep terrible. The bad dreams have stopped but I toss and turn all night long --pregnancy aside--. Looking back, I realize that I was my best me during Atticus' battle. It is the most selfless I have ever been. The strongest I have ever been. And the most brave. 

***

This is truly the hardest thing I have ever done. To those who have kids fighting. To those who are grieving as well.  I wish so much there was an easy way around it. For you and for me.

Life has a funny way of taking your "paper plan" and ripping it up. As Dr. Asay (my grievance therapist) says, "Your circle of life has been cut. Your "story" took a tragic unforeseen turn. And with time you will write your new story."

When he first said that I just cried and said I didn't want to and had a good little tantrum about it, but we don't need to talk about that. I told him that I don't want a knew story I want my old story. Minus the cancer. Which clearly is not possible. But he has been working with me and helping me to see in a different perspective. So there's hope.

As time gets closer (almost 2 months exactly) to baby Isabel coming, I'm getting nervous. I know with all my heart that she is supposed to be here...

About 20 days before Atticus left us (we knew he was digressing, and that we wouldn't have as much time with him as we were hoping to, but had no idea it would be so soon and so fast), he told us, I kid you not, he told us that he had a baby sister. He told my dear friend Sammy 3x. He told us he had a baby sister named Isabel. Let me be very frank in saying, at that point, and for a good while after his passing, I did NOT want more children. Two other personal and spiritual things made it very clear that a baby was to come.  Whether I was ready or not. And when we found out this new baby was a girl, I cried. I cried because this is exactly what I pictured Atticus telling me at that exact moment, "See mom! I told you. I'm sending Isabel. So get your head in the game. Focus mom. Just focus."

I am just sobbing as I type this. 

When the fear comes in, the fear of postpartum emotions, older sibling transition emotions, miss Atticus days emotions... when those fears come and take over, I try to picture Atticus and I playing baseball in the backyard and him telling me (because I wasn't the best pitcher in the world and he'd get a bit frustrated), to "Focus mom. Just focus."

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to FOCUS. For Eric. For Atticus. For Isaac. For Isabel. And for myself. I'm going to, "Get my head in the game and FOCUS."

But prayers would be greatly appreciated!!