Monday May 27th 2013

June 30, 2013

Obviously it has taken me awhile to get this post together. It's been a roller coaster of of month for me. Emotions  high. Flashbacks are intense again, such as... driving to meet with Dr. Asay on Friday, my grievance therapist, was a white work truck in front of me at a light. On the back of the truck was a dirty hand print. It made me think of how longs it's been since I've held Atticus' hand and his hand print on his monument and I  burst in to tears.  But we are surviving and very thankful for the good days. I read the comments on the last post with a heart full of gratitude. Thank you for the sweet comments prayers and concerns. What a huge impact it has on me.

Monday May 27th 2013

We just wanted the day to be over so it was actually a relief to have the day here. The last of our "firsts" without him. 

We started the morning off as Atticus would have wanted...

Donuts and chocolate milk

And mini hot dogs of course!

We then put new Hot Wheels balloons up in the yard.

Had a flower delivery from my mom and sisters....

Balloons sent with the flowers from my Aunt Les and her family

(can ya tell I had just gotten done crying...)

So glad that Pop-pop and Grandma Becky could be with us.

Then... we took CARS balloons to the cemetery.

And Grandpa and Grandma planted flowers

A very surreal heartbreaking moment. We just stared and cried.

It did my heart good to see he had visitors...

Lots of them.

***

Survival....

I thought I would be an absolute mess on the year mark. Although emotional and surreal with a very comber feel throughout the house,  it turned out better than I had anticipated. 

I kept finding myself looking at the clock thinking... It's 10 am..... 

*** (flashback) ***

10:00am ..... Atticus  just woken up for the day. He didn't want anything to eat (which was the norm) but I did convince him to at least hold a sippy cup of whole milk (which he called yummy baby milk), "just in case he was thirsty" praying he would drink it. 

Isaac was napping, which I know look back and realized what a blessing that was. Eric and I had the morning alone, with just Atticus. We sat on the couch and "played" candy land. I say "played" very loosely as he didn't move his arms much, so we moved the player for him and he watched.  Then He made up is own version. 

We brought the garbage truck over, filled it with Hot Wheels then dumped them out as requested. The Candy Land cards were divided into 3 groups: Singles. Doubles. And characters. You closed your eyes and reached for a card. If you grabbed a double, you got to pick out 2 cars. A single card meant one card. I was trying to be a good mom and kept reaching (eyes closed of course!) for the single pile, when Atticus said, "No mom (then moving my hand)... the double piles right here!!" Such a sweet heart, he wanted me to get two cars like him.

After that game I hopped in the shower while he and dad played on the iPad. I got out of the shower, put on fresh pajama's then went to the family room to join the boys. When I turned the corner, my heart started racing. They weren't there. I quickly looked at the oven clock... 11:00 am. It was too early for him to be ready for a nap. He would usually stay of for an hour and a half or two before wanting to lay down again. I quickly walked in to his room and found he and daddy snuggling.

"What's going on?" I asked Eric.

 "He said he didn't feel good and wanted to lay down." 

(side note-- Hospice had just come out the day before, Saturday May 26, 2012. A stronger dose of morphine was on its way but until we received it.. was supposed to be on Tuesday May 29th, I was to continue administering the morphine we had every 5-10 minutes until he felt better).

Eric got up and I layed down next to Atticus, his eyes were closed, "Atticus, whats the matter sweety? Are you hurting?" He nodded and made a little grunt noise. Tossing his head gently and slowly back and forth. "Okay. Mommy's going to get your meds. Hang on buddy."

11:15am ..... I brought in my tray of meds and started hooking him up to the morphine. No more than 5 minutes passed when I could see the pain he was suffering. "Are you feeling any better bud?" No response, just a tiny little grunt. I hooked up the next morphine eclipse. Another side note: while in the PICU and getting our discharge instructions, they said, "If you see twitching, give him the higher dose of anti-seizure meds in addition to what he gets in the morning, it means he's having seizures."

So the 2nd dose of morphine us running through his port and I see the twitching. I run and grab the seizure med and get it ready, then once the 3rd morphine was done running I started it. I grabbed a cold rag to put on his forehead then crawled in bed with him. All the meds I needed for him by my side. I was on my left side with my left arm cradling his head, my right arm under his shirt on his bare sweet little chubby heart.

11:30am ..... Was the last time I heard my sweet little boy talk. The last time I saw his eyes. The first time I felt death coming in. I turned to Eric with shear panic in my eyes and said, "It's happening." And we both sobbed and held on tighter to Atticus like we could stop it from happening.

Around 3:30pm ..... Our sweet brave fighter left us and all I could do was scream.

********************

Back to reality: May 27, 2013

Eric and I were able to watch a few videos of Atticus. Something we never do. It was good for us. We laughed and cried. Ours hearts missing Atticus so very very much. Laughing at what a funny little stink he could be. I found that I could not watch any videos or look at pictures of him any older than 3. It was too close to home for me. He looked too much the same. Sounded the same and it took the pain of missing to a much too intense level.

Then I fell apart and sobbed.

***

Tuesday May 28, 2013

As with the other holiday's thus far, the day after was much much worse. I think because I try to be strong leading up to the day/event. Then the day comes and I try hard to survive and make it through, that come the following day, I have nothing left and am too tired to fight. 

As I drove to meet with my grievance therapist, I truly thought, please let me get hit by a truck. Clearly irrational thinking. But it's  how I felt.

It sucks. Be patient with us. It is going to take years to find ourselves again. One minute I'm ok and the next minute the lump is back in my throat. The noose getting tighter and tighter around my neck and I emotionally want to run away. In those horrific moments there are things that no parent should have to witness. Things that haunt us and break our hearts over and over and over. Things you see. Feel. Hear. Things you are forced to do. Things you never thought possible. Never in your wildest dreams. It is the most traumatic thing that could ever happen. And it breaks you down. I hate the flashbacks.

At times I feel so broken. I so badly want particular events to disappear from my memory. BUT... it is getting better. I am much further along then last year, which is obviously a good thing. And I am very grateful for that. Grateful that I don't wake up in a depressed sad confused fog each day. Grateful that although one moment I feel as though I can't do, I am. I am getting up, making breakfast, taking care of chunk. Surviving.

I do wonder though, how long it will feel surreal. Maybe forever. . But on a positive note, I'm still here and kicking. Some days are prettier than others but that's normal right?!! 

How the 27th was spent in Utah...

Brett Bethany and Zach did a 5K to raise money for Brain Cancer

Zach the goof ball!

Then Brett and Bethy planted an "Atticus' Garden."

With a wild tree for our wild man!

Stacie Jay and Charlie made a blue and orange stepping stone for their garden.  With the letter "A" and a racer! Absolutely perfect.

Chris Michelle and kids let blue and orange balloons go at a cemetery in Utah.

***

CAUTION: tender pics. I have debating on whether or not to put these pics up but I can't get it off my mind and felt the ones I picked are appropriate. Tender and descriptive of our fighter and the love we all have for him.

June 1, 2012 

The Viewing

Our family wore blue and orange for our sweet boy and we had the flowers  done in those colors as well. They were happy cheerful flowers.

The most incredible men in the entire world (Atticus & Daddy). I love them so much.

Tiff.. One incredible woman/friend.

Tiff and I FB and text during Atticus' battle, but the first time we actually met was at the viewing. She flew in from Utah to be there with us and for us. I recognized her right away and probably left whomever I was hugging at the time (sorry about that), grabbed on to her and cried. I cannot even begin to describe how much it meant to me to have here there. She was and is a HUGE strength for us. I called her bawling after Eric and I met with the funeral director and sobbed in to the phone to her, "How did you do it? How am I going to do it? How are we going keep going?" She is one of the most incredible women I have ever met and ever will. I love you miss Tiff. I really really do. 

We received so many beautiful flowers. Many, were orange and blue.

Below the hand/foot art. I'm so glad I did them with him. On the table are scrapbook pages of each of his 4 birthday's. My family/friends did an amazing job with everything. I told them what I wanted out and they arranged it all-- thank you.

His sports gear.

Bronco autographed a football for him. He was so excited.

We did a pinewood derby and he of course wanted a BYU racer

He got the  game ball at his last baseball game.

His beloved T Ball gear! Go Longhorns.

"Charlie." The horse he slept with since he was 3 months old.

And of course, his absolute favorite race track with his beloved "racers."

We Eric and I were leaving to go home, the EMT crew that took us to the hospital the night he had seizures, came by to send their love. It meant so much to us. 

The funeral 

Was very traumatic but beautifully done.We had it all recorded but keeping it private. There were many musical numbers. Atticus had 2 favorite primary songs. You could guarantee that every night he would choose these two first for me to sing: Scripture Power and We'll bring the world His Truth." Scripture Power was sung by his cousins and closest friends. The other was beatufilly song by Uncle Brett. I haven't listened to Scripture Power or sang it since the funeral. I don't know if I ever will. But for whatever reason, "Army of Helaman" what Atticus called it, is ok and I do sing that to Isaac at night.

Just a little tip... If I were to do it over again, (not really but you get where I'm going) I would highly recommend not doing the service at your church building. It was so traumatic. At least for us. It took me a good 6 months to not get anxiety and cry on our way to church. And took  me at least that long to go into the Relief Society classroom and not hyperventilate, because all I could picture was a BYU casket and kissing him for the last time. 

I was in such a fog and remember very little. I was told the chapel  was full with around 400 people in attendance but I can honestly say that the only people I could see was my family. I couldn't really look at Eric for fear of loosing it and passing out.

The Cemetery

He was carried in a police suburban, accompanied by 5-7 police cars. It was a tender moment. The whole world stopped for us. For him. Just like it should have.

Our earthly angel, Isaac was and is so patient with us.

Blue.. Orange.. and White balloon release.
I was so out of it that my mom had to say, "Sweetie? Don't you want to see the balloons go up to your baby?" She handed me a white balloon and helped me up. I just stared with nothing left to give.

Giving our sweet boy a final kiss. We put roses on the top and cried.

We got in the limo with nothing but silence to fill the air. Then Eric and I basically stayed in bed for two week and cried. Again, our gratitude for our family is unmeasurable. They took care of us, took care of Isaac, the house, the to-do list, and we couldn't have done it without them. Family IS everything.

* * * * * 

Hard to believe this was just 4 months before he got sick

There is no love like the love of a parent for their child. I miss those chubby cheeks. His giggle. And rubbing noses with him. I love that in this picture he is playing with my necklace. I miss the touch of those sweet hands. And that cute button nose of his. Even if he was ticked about getting those pictures done.

..FAMILIES ARE FOREVER...

We love you sweet boy and are so grateful for the time we had with you and the time we will have again. You have truly impacted our lives forever. Although we are still trying to find solid ground again, I am so happy that you are happy and whole. I cannot wait to hold you. And here you say, "Boys rule and girls drool! BEEFCAKE!!" 

xoxoxo