Saturday night was our wards/church's Christmas party and we weren't up for it. The kiddo's were singing... basically a punch in the stomach for us. Plus Isaac was sick. SO... we decided to have our own little party at home. I made us a yummy dinner while Eric and Isaac watched 'Frosty the Snowman.' Eric really wanted to decorate the Christmas tree. I really did not. But I took one for the team and we decorated the tree. The good news is, we didn't cry nearly as much as I thought we would. Isaac had fun for about 5 ornaments then was ready for bed.
I love putting him to bed. We read stories, sing songs, then say our bedtime prayers. Its probably my most fervent prayer of the day. Isaac is a sweet boy. I get frustrated at times because he has become SO clingy. If I drop him off at Jene's or Jocelyn's, he'll cry for a minute then be fine and have fun, but I'm around and he is fussy, needs something, or wants to be held, he will NOT let anyone help him but me and just cries harder if someone tries to help. Which makes it really difficult when I'm having a hard day, but don't want to be alone, but need help, chunk will not have it.
I get frustrated because part of me feels like I never want to let him go and never want to put him down. Part of me feels guilty for not being the type of mom for him that I was for Atticus. Part of me feels guilty that I was away from him for 6 plus months. Part of me is so exhausted I just want a break; for him to be ok without me by his side, and worry that him being so clingy as if he gets anxiety that I'm going to leave is unhealthy, but then I get scared and think, "If the kid wants to be held till he's 5, do it, who'd have thought you would loose Atticus. Whats to say I won't loose Isaac too." For the record, if lighting strikes twice in the same spot, I'm calling it quits.
He's such a good baby. And a huge blessing. I sometimes forget that he went through a lot too and I need to be patient. So, Mr. Chunker-ton, please, pretty pretty please, chillax buddy! Moms not going anywhere!
Isaac has been really good with the tree and leaves the ornaments alone for the most part but is very interested in the ribbon and keeps tugging on it!
"Jewelry-ments" (what Atticus called them) for our sweet boy
Finished product!
My favorite Christmas decoration
This year our angel Atticus joined our nativity set.
Christmas Season 2011
He was so excited about his stocking. I bought him the chocolate calendar, where you open one window each day until Christmas... it didn't last us more than a week, he would always say, "Mom, did I eat my chocolate yet? I don't think I did!!"
Putting on his "jewelry-ments" He picked out sparkly blue ones that he later added!
He was so proud of his tree! He LOVED his puppy watch. It was his favorite. I put the watch on him while dressing him for the viewing. I cut off a little of one end to keep.
My boys. I really miss this. Seeing them together, saying "My boys, " They adored each other, Isaac would watch Atticus with such awe and love. And Atticus prided himself in "knowing what chunk needs."
Atticus' tree 2012. I couldn't put his ornaments up but knew his room needed his tree.
He's gone. He's really truly gone. It's so hard to believe. So hard to be without him. It is just so crazy. The last two weeks have been incredibly hard on me. I have spent lots of time crying. I get these intense panic attacks where my heart starts racing I get super hot and get a pit in my stomach. I seriously am yelling at myself in my head to stop. ALL.DAY.LONG. It happened about ten times yesterday. It hurts me to say this out loud but I have to force myself to pretend "Atticus" didn't happen, and I hate it. I hate it. But If I don't, I can't do it. I can't be without him. I want to run far far away, I want to medicate myself to sedation. I hate that time is the only thing that will help.
Right now, things are a double edge sword, I hate that with time we will forget the sound of his voice, but by watching videos and listening to his voice, my heart breaks. It hurts more than words can describe. It hurts so bad you want it all to end. There are a few videos of Atticus I haven't been able to watch since he passed away, two of which are of him decorating his tree and singing 'Silent Night.' Isaac had my phone the other day and got to my videos and pushed play on one of the "off limits" videos. I instantly turned in to this crazy lady and knocked the phone out of his hand, scared the pants off the poor guy, so he's crying cause I scared him and took the phone away, I'm crying cause I'm crazy and hiding my phone under the pillows, my heart in my throat and breaking in to a million pieces. It was a video of him thanking Auntie Jenny and Uncle Matt for the ipad they sent him, just about 5 hours before he passed away. You could hear how hard it was for him, how he struggled to get the words out. I didn't know. I didn't know he was so close to leaving us. I didn't know. I'm such a mess. I sitting on the bathroom flooring typing this, so I don't wake Eric, in total tears. Sometimes I feel like I should be put in psycho ward. I worry that at any minute I could just snap. Nothing makes it better. I want to hold him. I want him alive, cancer free, driving me crazy. I want to race cars, watch CARS for the zillionth time, eat picnic lunches, go treasure hunting, ride the wiggle bike down the ally, I want to tell him how much I love him. How much joy he brought in to my life, how he made me a better person. I want to tell him what a good boy he is. A good friend, a good missionary, and amazing brother and so so smart.
I want to tell him I'm sorry. I'm sorry for making you stay in your room at night, I know you hated it. I'm sorry for the time at radiation when my feelings got hurt because you wanted dad to take you back and not me. I'm sorry I locked myself in my room and cried for two hours that day. I'm sorry for the night you had seizures. I will forever feel guilty for that night and no matter what any doctor says, I will always hold a little poison inside, thinking I contributed to them by forcing you to take pain meds. I'm sorry for our ambulance ride when you were calming me down because I was so scared. These things eat me alive. I'm so sorry son. I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I would have done ANYTHING to save you. I would have gladly taken you place honey. I'm sorry I can't look at your picture. Your cancer pictures hurt my heart so badly knowing you were hurting and your pre-cancer picture make me miss you so much my head spins. I'm sorry that for your 5th birthday I won't be doing anything to honor you because I'm not strong enough. I'm sorry Atticus.
I love you. With all my heart. I miss you, so very much.
This Christmas season, squeeze your kids a little tighter for me.....
This Christmas season, squeeze your kids a little tighter for me.....
29 comments:
Know that there are still many people praying for you and your family. I know it doesn't take the pain away, we hope it helps some though. While reading about Chunk and his trials I couldn't help but think of another mom who lost her boy and then eight months later her husband. Her therapist told her that children expect their parents to protect them. When two of their family members died she hadn't protected them and they were going to need extra reassurance for some time but they would eventually heal. I don't like how the therapist worded it because sometimes we don't have a choice, if we did the outcome would've been very different. She has a blog that I think is wonderful. http://lisajking.blogspot.com. Please keep posting so we can pray for what you specifically need.
You are in my prayers. Bless you.
Life can be so hard. Imagine the blessings that will be yours forever for enduring this one - if you can just make it! This is a hard Christmas with the passing of my sister, and the more days that go by, the more I miss her. I truly can't even begin to imagine how you feel over the loss of a child! Know that others will continue to pray and put your name in the Temple...believe it or not, those prayers are answered on your "good days". Hang in there - Atticus would want you to!
My heart breaks for you and the trials you are going through. You are so so strong for making it this far. I have children around Atticus' age, and I can't imagine the angst you have daily. Please know that God is watching over you and my prayers are with you.
There is nothing wrong with your feelings...that's grief and you can't pretend it isn't there. You can make it though and it doesn't mean forgetting Atticus. It's baby steps sometimes second by second to get through it. I'm sure he has forgiven you. And I'm sure he's watching over you. It is also okay to get help. You are surrounded by so many who love you, many how you've never met. We will all hold you guys up.
I'm so sorry. So so sorry. I love you. I am praying for you. You can do this. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. Just do today. You are a wonderful mother. Atticus ADORES you. My heart is in Sunnyvale with you.
xoxoxo
Ang
You, Eric and Isaac are in my thoughts frequently, as is precious Atticus. Know that I, and I'm positive many other mothers and fathers, take your words to heart and hug our little ones tighter and appreciate even the difficult moments with them more.
I've never met you and still my heart is breaking for you and Eric. You are amazing Cindy. You can do hard things. I think the rainbow lights is just the perfect way to honor your sweet Atticus on his birthday and this holiday season. Your family truly is one if a kind.
Thinking of you and praying for you.
I'm so, so sorry. I wish I could carry your heartache for you, give you some peace. I would do anything to take away your pain. Just know I'm here praying for you. Xoxo
I just wanted to send you a hug and tell you that I think you are an amazing woman, your husband an amazing man. It is not a place any parent wants to be but you are so strong. I am watching my best friends father slowly lose himself and the rest of his family after her tragic death 2 years ago, she was 32 yrs old. Some parents cannot do it. I do not judge, I just wanted you to know that you and Eric are such wonderful inspirational people. You and your family are always in my prayers.
Hi,
I first learned about Atticus on babycenter. I have been checking your updates ever since. I shed my share of tears for Atticus as I held my baby in the middle of the night. I know there's nothing I can do to make things better but I so want to be able to comfort you in some way. Atticus has the answers now, answers we are not meant to comprehend. Not yet. Above all, he knows he is deeply loved, details don't matter.
A lot of us are here, even if we don't take the time to comment every time. We are here and we will listen for as long as you want. Right now you are the window to Atticus and what he was like. I was so good to read about the days when he wasn't sick. I loved getting to know that Atticus and you are right. He was funny!
Hang in there, don't feel pressured to do things you don't have the strength for. There's always next year. Focus the strength you have for Chunk.
Love,
Blanca.
I just want you to know that I think you are amazing. I have followed your story for a long time and have laughed and cried over Atticus. I keep your family in my thoughts all the time. I found out several months ago that we are expecting conjoined twins that will only probably only live for an hour after they are born so I envy the time you had with Atticus here on earth (even though it was short too). But I find comfort in your writing as it is exactly how I feel all the time and I haven't even lost my twins yet. Grieving is such a roller coaster isn't it? Some days are easier than others.
I have a 21 month old who sounds exactly like Isaac. She senses the anxiety in our house and I can't go anywhere without her following along and wanting to be held ALL the time. Some of it is the age but I agree its trying on my nerves and then I feel guilty for not giving her the love and patience she needs. But I think they will turn out okay. My daughter certainly needs me just like I need her as we go through this trial.
And the holidays are just tough. I find myself crying randomly at the mall when I see other families with babies and then get embarrassed that I can't seem to keep it together.
Just know that you are not alone and that there are others who know how you feel! I will say a little prayer for you today!!
Oh Cindy my heart just breaks for you. Atticus touched so many lives and that's why we are all still here checking in on your blog to see how you are. Maybe it's Atticus telling those of us that never met you but care so much....hey, can you guys hop over to my mom's blog and show her some love.
Nothing we can say will make anything better, but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
I wish I could give you a gigantic hug. You are strong. You've never done anything in your whole life halfway Cind. I know you can't help but have regrets but I saw first hand what kind of mother you were to Atti. You never ever should regret a single moment of his life. He knows Cindy. He knows it all. And I know he's watching you now wishing he could take away your pain. I love you so much. Keep the faith. You are doing this. I know it's hard to look at it now that you are making it. But you are. That's how strong you are!
oh, Cindy. I"m hurting so much for you right now. How I wish this were all over and you were with Atticus again. I am so sorry. It shouldn't have to be this hard. It just shouldn't. I just finished reading my friend Eliza's blog and she said the most beautiful thing: "joy isn't the absence of pain, it's the presence of God." If you want to cry, her posts are so real and beautiful. She lost one of her twin girls last year. http://elizaandchuck.blogspot.com/
Love you, Cindy.
Cindy, I you are in every prayer of mine. You are strong and faithful and valiant and a wonderful example to us all. I don't know if you have heard of this lady, but she lost her sweet girl a few years ago. I find her blog a complete inspiration.Her name is Ashley Sullenger and her blog is sullengers (dot) com
Macy
There are no words that can take your pain away...just know that you have people praying for you all over the world.
Cindy. I just want you to know how much you are loved. I know that you were the perfect mom for Atticus... PERFECT. Most people couldn't even think up a mom as wonderful as you. I am sure its easy to be hard on yourself, but know that we all look up to you for the beautiful woman/mom/wife that you are. I am in awe of your grace and honesty in all that you are enduring. Even when you feel like you can't keep going, you keep going. It's just who you are. We pray for you guys every day. xoxo. P.S. I LOVE that you put your precious Atticus in Your Nativity. What a sweet tribute.
I am so so sorry. So sorry. You and your sweet family are in our prayers constantly. xoxoxo
Hi Cindy, you are so so strong. We you are at your lowest, you are still abouve us all. How great of mother you are. you honor both your sons everyday with your strenght to go on. Sending prayers always and much love Adrienne
Oh Cindy. I want you to know that I think of you all the time. I write comments and delete them. I never know what to say. I just love you and am so sorry for what you're going through. Hang in there sweet friend. You will get through this. I ADORE YOU!!!!
P.S. This Leah. Not Zeb. :)
Cindy,
I've cried with you so many times. I wish your pain could be healed and your heartache would stop. It will take time. Atticua was SO lucky to have you as his mother. You shouldnt apologize for anything. In his eyes you were and are the BEST mother in the entire world. You loved him unconditionally and thats all kids need. He is still with you, watching over you. You have so many people praying for you and Eric that god gives you strength to get through this.
I don't think there are any words anyone can express to ease the pain of losing a loved one. I just wish I could give you a big hug and have a good long cry. I'll continue to pray for you and your sweet family.
Cindy,
We don't know each other but I have read your blog for several months now. I lost a child in 2005. The feeling crazy part is normal. I often thought that I would lose my mind and maybe at times I did! :-) I know that I could say all kinds of things right now and you will have a terribly hard time believing them. I will say them anyway because someone said them to me who lost a child, too. You will be okay. You will feel guilty at times for being okay. Each day will be a struggle but each day will make you stronger. Holidays suck - they still stink for me and my husband. We don't have any other children and were never able to have anymore so we buy gifts for local homeless shelters and giving trees to help us. We try to serve others as much as possible. it does get our minds occupied. Again, I know you feel lost and crazy. It is okay - you are normal. Don't give up hope, hug Issac and your husband more, don't be afraid to laugh and find something to lose yourself in. Take a vacation during the holidays if you need to. I hope this helped if even a tiny bit.
Sincerely,
Sheila
I learned today about another lady who had an incredible trial in her life, but because of it it led her to to many amazing things that she wouldn't have done otherwise. Her trial became her legacy and her influence for good was increased in very big ways.
Don't forget that the four of you were a match made in heaven. I believe healing will come from remembering, not beating yourself up or dwelling on but remembering the blessing of your baby boy! Your ability to carry this weight and sorrow will increase by the way you use your time. If it was only as simple as checking off days off on a calendar.
Issac is a cutie. I have to remind myself frequently when I'm frustrated with my kids and have had a bad day, that they have had a bad day as well and need a comforting mom to help them through it. You are amazing, there must be some amazing plans that Heavenly Father has in store for you and your sweet family.
I am weeping while I read this. My heart breaks for you & every night when I say my prayers I pray for your comfort. A
Testimonies, swapping stories, sharing....all of these methods carry each other through the unthinkable. With my humble heart, I would like to share what has helped me in my losses. I could not find anything. Looked high and low. Until I came across a therapist who discovered a program called..."The Grief Recovery Handbook" 20th edition. I don't know if that's your conduit for being able to carry on. It was mine. I share that with you. Please research the book and seminars. I don't sell anything for them. I'm just a regular person that had a lot of losses, and was not able to move forward until I found this program.
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