4 years

I have avoided this post for a month now. I didn't want to do it. But couldn't not. May 27, marked four years of Atticus' passing. Four years. This was a hard year for us. Isaac surpassed Atticus in age. And from here on out, Atticus will have been gone longer then we got to keep him and that was and is a very hard realization. 

My sweet sister Stacie was able to be with us this year (thank you Jen) and Im so glad she was. Eric had to work that morning. Isaac went to preschool and Jocelyn was willing to keep Isabel for me. Im so grateful for the amazing people who continue to carry us on these hard days. With the older two kiddo's gone, Stacie and I had a good cry. Looked at pictures and reminisced until I couldn't take any more. 

I feel honored to be his mother. To have had such an amazing spirit in my home. To have learned more from a four year old than I probably will my entire life. To have watched  a little one carry a burden better than I ever could. I feel honored to know that I have a son sitting with our Savior looking out for us and protecting us. 

Mr. Atticus, I love you. Your spunk. Your humor. Your laugh. Your quirks. I miss everything about you. I can't let myself think too deeply about how much or I fall apart. You are one of my everything's and I can't wait to have you in my arms again. I love you.

We had 2 doctors and 5 nurses come in to look at this white baby with lots of fluffy red hair!

CRAZY red hair!

"Waco Days." My most treasured memories with Atticus. We were such buddies. 

He was always so excited when daddy got home from school.

Feeding Shamu

My little Texan. 

Such an Atticus face!

He loved his Book of Mormon.

I look at this and just sigh with love.

Fixing Grans chest!

He loved to fix things.

And loved all sorts of trinkets and such!

Rain boots turtle costume and backwards ball cap? Yes please!

We frequently took him miniature golfing. 

He was obsessed with the dryer and always wanted to eat his snacks in there.

Spiderman!! That red dye lasted forever!!

No joke... he was watching golf.

Painting. 

Muscle man!

Where's Atticus?

See the little frog on his shoulder? 

Golfing.

That boy and his pink cheeks blue blue eyes and spikes. It's too much.

One happy happy boy in his Lightning McQueen big boy bed!

Baking tower!

Cutest Buzz in the world.

Canned goods tower!

He always wore his goggles.

4th of July Parade

Water fun at the Arboretum!

Texas SNOW!

Santa pulled through and brought him a McQueen scooter!!

Bringing home his new baby brother! His excitement was adorable and a tad bit overwhelming for me:)

Atticus was sick when Isaac was born so he couldn't hold him for the first week. This was the first time he got to hold him, and I think it's safe to say he was very happy!

It's PLAYDOUGH. He would bury his cars or his face!

We loved our Arboretum trips.

Making his "Zachy-Boy" face. 

Washing his cars! 

Silly boy!

My baseball loving boy!

I remember this day so vividly. It was hot outside but he didn't care. He wanted to wear his baseball helmet and said, "See mom? If I hit my head (top right pic) I won't even get hurt!"

He loved Isaac. As long as he wasn't headed the direction of his car garage! Then he'd yell, "Mom! Help! That fat kids coming!!" (we meant fat kid in a very loving tender way!)

One of my favorite pictures. So Atticus. Rain boots, on his bicycle. Backpack on to collect treasures, with a builder flag he found sticking out of it!

One of the few pictures (in comparison to other kids) I have of the two of them together.

His epic 4th birthday party! His favorite race track was given to him by one of our amazing neighbors/friends. Just weeks before our life changed forever.

January 13th, 2007, Atticus was diagnosed with DIPG. Our heads never stopped spinning or throbbing. Our eyes stayed puffy for weeks. I remember Eric saying, "I have a new found respect for tears, I had no idea our body could produce so many of them." And he's right. We could not stop crying.

Trying to process it all while not letting this little boy out of my site or out of my arms.

Eric felt the same. This was very late in the night when Atticus couldn't sleep so we took him for a wagon ride around the hospital. 

These kids are remarkable in every way imaginable. 

Packed up and headed home. Atticus was of course brave and ready to face his diagnosis head on (no pun intended) I however, was absolutely terrified... Don't do this. Don't mix these meds. Give this here. This there. Made this appointment. Don't let him eat this. Watch for that. Monitor this.... My head was spinning and I was truly truly terrified.

How I miss that crooked smile and googly eye.

One of our many 3 am picnics.

The weight packed on so quickly. He was the cutest thing. Oh I just loved on him and kissed him and held him.

Atticus, I love you. I can't go any deeper because I feel myself starting to loose it. We are one year closer to be together sweet heart and I can't wait.