Happy 8th Birthday Atticus

Today Atticus would be turning eight years old. EIGHT! Eight years ago at 6:30 am I was given Pitosin to get this party started and by 1:11 pm out came the sweetest furriest copper red headed baby I had ever seen. Never is there such a connection as holding your baby for the first time.

1st Birthday

2nd Birthday

3rd Birthday

4th Birthday

..Memory Lane.. 

2008

2009

2009

"Families Can be Together Forever. Through Heavenly Father's Plan."

Atticus was such a good big brother. He adored Isaac. I just love his little missing tooth smile.

2011

Such a proud big brother.

I was a total nerd and loved it when they matched!

He always wanted to snuggle him in his Lightning McQueen bed.

Two good looking dudes.

He was always so proud of himself when he made Isaac laugh!

One of my all time favs: "MOM!!! HELP! Get the fat kid!!!"

Atticus could be CRAZY but  he could also be so sweet and tender.

Always entertaining his little brother.

Showing Isaac his Book of Mormon. Atticus loved his Book of Mormon.

Love.

Love Love

I remember this day like it was yesterday. I had finished folding laundry on my bed, and was getting the boys dressed for the day. Atticus was in a cute and particularly silly mood and we were laughing because Isaac just kept staring at him, like, "what the heck is going on around here!"

Man I miss this kid. He was exhausting, but I wouldn't have changed him for the world. He was my best little buddy. We did everything together. The first child gets so much attention and I loved it. It wore me out by the end of the day, but I loved it. 

I am SO SO SO glad I have these pictures. They were done September 2011. Just 4 months before he was diagnosed.

My handsome boys ready for church. I honestly thought I would have all boys.

Atticus and I would race to get Isaac in the mornings because Isaac would give you the sweetest happiest chubbiest grin. Atticus somehow, almost always won ;) and would climb in to snuggle up to his, "Chunky."

He was so proud of himself for feeding him.

Crazy kid!

Always telling him something about something. 

Telling him about Christmas. Their first and last one together.

Isaac has no idea how lucky he is to have such an amazing big brother.

Another tender moment.

Our last Christmas Sunday with him. Hindsight right?! If you only knew then what you know now.

Christmas morning 2011

Brother Love.

New Years Eve 2011. Crazy to think that just 14 days later he would be diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and 4.5 months later would leave us. Re-evaluate you life people, make family come first. Life changes so quickly. Good and Bad. And the bad rocks your world leaving you gasping for air constantly thinking, "This can't be my life."

He seriously never left him alone. Unless Atticus was building a car garage, then watch out!!

Good morning to my two silly boys.

Another, "right before diagnosis" pics. We had just finished with soccer practice. He only got to go for two weeks before he got sick.

Our sweet chubby face Atti-bug. Despite all the changes his poor little body was going through, he still was the worlds best big brother.

He was so proud of himself for teaching Isaac this face-

And here's where memory lane stops, because I'm sobbing and my heart just can't handle any more. Not that you would EVER wish this on anyone but for those who've said hurtful comments or sent hurtful letters (yes Ive gotten a few of those telling me how I'm not doing things incorrectly) I wish they could see and feel for just for a moment, what it's like. Yes it has gotten easier to pick myself back up, but time does NOT heal all wounds.  Time helps you bounce back a little faster. Helps you not fall as far down int he deep whole. Time helps you shut your big heavy doors a little faster. There are still plenty of days where we feel like we are trudging through the mud. Each step harder then the next. The knot in my throat getting bigger and bigger. The noose around it getting tighter and tighter and I just want to  scream. I want to see him. Hold him. I want to talk to him so badly I feel like I'm going to explode. I look at my other beautiful children and my heart breaks because I want them to know their big brother here and now. I cling to my rock of a husband, both of us crying, apologizing to one another for having to go through this. Saying how sorry we are that we even have to have conversations like, "What are we going to do for his birthday this year?"and "I just can't do another birthday party. Last year killed me. I just can't do it."

Which is why a big party wasn't done this year. I couldn't do it. Atticus would be turning eight this year. A big number for our church. He would be getting baptized. Link HERE. It's a milestone that every LDS mother looks forward to. And every time I would think about it, I would get such anxiety. I would instantly get depressed teary eyed and want to hide from the world. I don't want to have another birthday party for my son that isn't here and should be. I want him here dang it. I want to be having family fly in for his baptism. I want to see his sweet smile as he comes out of the water. I want to sing Happy birthday to him....

It was a very hard thing for me to come to terms with. Acknowledging and accepting what I could do (without totally flipping out) and getting over what I felt I should be doing and the guilt I felt/feel for not doing it, "But this person who lost a child does this." And, "This person who lost their child does that." They of course don't apply pressure, it's totally a me thing, they are all so so loving and supportive. 

I think and worry, Will people judge and wonder why I'm not doing anything? Am I loving and remember Atticus' less because I'm not doing anything? Will my other children forget they have another sibling's birthday to celebrate because I'm not doing anything? 

Thank heaven for Dr. Asay and our year spent in therapy because two years ago, heck, even one year ago, this thought process would have brought on a total, I'm talking TOTAL meltdown. The ones where I hyperventilate scream and totally and completely loose it. I am so grateful, not that time has passed, but, that time has passed. If that makes sense. I have worked hard to get to a better place and this year is proof that hard work pays off. Instead of an epic meltdown, (I had myself some good cries), I was honest with myself and said, "You know what? It's okay. Atticus is so very loved and dearly missed, big birthday party or not. Those who know him and know you will not think any less of you and whether you have a party or not, it's not what matters. What matters is that I do whats best for me. Not what works best for other families that have lost children, but what gets my family through these hard days. "When momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." And this year, what is best for me and our family is to just get through it as fast and "pain free" as possible. And that's okay. I'm still a good person. I still love Atticus just as much as I did last year when I did a big party. Maybe I'll do a big party next year. Maybe I won't do one ever again, but that doesn't change how much I love him. How much I miss him; Or how proud I am of him. I don't have to have a "tradition" of what I do for him, I'm trying to let that go. I need base each year on how our family is doing and what will be best for us. No one is judging me but me, and I've get to ease up on myself. So I'm trying.

To Atticus:

I love you. There is never a moment when I'm not thinking about you and missing you.  Never moment when I'm not proud of the work you did and the work you are doing. Never a moment when you are not heavy on my heart. Never. I'm sorry I couldn't handle more this year. I just couldn't face another birthday without you. I couldn't, as you say, "Get my head in the game" this year. But I know you don't mind and I know you're telling me to, "take it easy and calm down." I miss you honey. It's been so long and it kills me. It makes it hard for me to swallow. Please know how much I love you and that I avoid certain things not because I don't, but because I do, and doing certain things only makes it harder for me. Harder to breath. Harder to sleep. Harder to focus. Harder to bounce back. Harder to take care of your siblings. I will never be whole again until I have you your brother and sisters in my arms. Happy 8th birthday Atticus. I couldn't be more proud of the boy you are and the legacy you have left  behind. I love you so so much.

Love, Mom