Showered with LOVE

"The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not "get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to."

-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and John Kessler

Flowers from my mom and sisters...

Flowers from Eric's parents...

At Atticus' funeral we gave out packets of flower seed, "Plant them in the fall and think of me in the spring!" My friend Emily hit the jackpot and was the chosen one by Atticus :). We are not sure what flowers her seeds grow, they are not what we purchased, but they grow like crazy. CRAZY! She kept some of her flowers from last year and came over to plant them in our yard, and just a few days later, this is what I saw...

See those tiny little guys?!

A heartfelt homemade gift from sweet Noah... He did everything himself and spent two days on this project. He picked out the paper for the card (which was very sweet) and the paint for the "A." He wanted the stripes to be perfect- I think he did a pretty dang good job!!

Atticus and Noah

May 2011

December 2011

May 27, 2015

3 year mark

My sisters have been key players to our survival during Atticus' cancer and our grieving. We would have been and would be, lost without them. After Atticus left us, Erics parents lived with us for over a month. We were blessed to have Stacie with us over the 2nd year mark and this year we were blessed to have Jenny... and it was quite the task to get her here....

Her flight was supposed to land at 8:45pm Tuesday May 26th at the DFW airport. She sent a text prior to boarding saying it may be delayed due to rain. Then we got a text saying they had to land in Austin (after flying in circles for an hour trying to land) due to the DFW airport closure from the storm. Then the flight was back on and they were airborne... Then the airport closed and they had to fly to Oklahoma City, where they were told that they would not be flying out tonight and the next available flight would be the following day May 27th, at 12:30 pm. She was crying. I was crying. We just wanted to be together. So, she went to Hertz to rent a car, when the employee announced that they had only 4 vehicles left and they were all SUV's for a whopping $250 per day. People started talking and before you know it Jenny was a part of a group of four women all wanting to get to the Dallas area and quick. So she and 3 other woman drove 4.5 hours in the rain and thunder to get to us... She was dropped off in Irving and took a taxi from there to our house arriving at 6:30am. Her flight left SLC at 4:55pm on Tuesday. It was such a nightmare, but I was so glad to hug her skinny little body when she finally made it safe and sound. We had maybe 15 minutes before the kids woke up and they were beyond excited to see her and ready to play (she of course had not slept a wink). Atticus must have sent her extra energy because she was like the energizer bunny and had Isaac and Isabel eating out of her hands, allowing Eric and I to grieve. We love you Jenny. Thank you so much for all you do for us.

The kindness, thoughtfulness, and generosity of family and friends, never ceases to amaze me. The next 25 plus,  pictures were all sent me with heartfelt love for sweet Atticus and our family. In no particular order, here they are..

We were door-bell ditched with orange and blue balloons on Atticus' sign and a bag of kit-kats (both me and Atticus' favorite).

Mrs. Cherry sent me this pic saying, "Remembering precious Atticus!"

Leslie dropped off these pictures of her brother Steve representing Atticus in SPACE. I know Atticus was flipping out with excitement when this happened. Steve was flying at nearly 70,000 feet -hence the space suit, flying a U2. That is the EARTH people!!!! From SPACE!!!!!

Ang sent me this pic of their orange and blue sunset in Spanish Fork, UT.

Leah sent me this picture her tender hearted daughter Hallie had been working so hard on.

Clearly this girl has got some talent. I was so proud of her. Leah also sent the following picture.

Good old Law School days, aside from Eric studying his tail off, our Waco days hold some of my most favorite and treasured memories. Atticus and I had SO MUCH FUN together. Seriously. I was in mommy heaven. He was such a good boy and played and played. 

Mrs. Tammy, from New World sent me a handful of pictures of Atticus- 

Jackson Pollock Day 2012. He had SO much fun.

See's from my sweet friend Sarah, whose son's cancer is in remission!!!

 

Russell- one of Atticus' favorite uncle/cousin's sent us this, saying that his baseball team one their game in honor of Atticus and that his wristband hasn't come off in 3 years!

Dustin, Sarai, and Will ate donuts and sent a blue balloon to Atticus.

Chris, Michelle and kiddos all wore orange and blue and sent off balloons!

Brett, Bethy, and Livvy girl all wore orange and blue and worked in their Atticus garden.

Zachy-Boy sent me one of his favorite pics of Atticus...

This kid-- always cracking us up.

The Hansen/ Lonczyna fam had Utah's version of "Bahama Bucks." A favorite treat of Atticus'.

*The Trevino's and my mom, ate "bok-bok" (sp? what Atticus called chicken nuggets) and played candy land, his favorite game. 

*My mom tied orange and blue balloons on her front door on Memorial Day and sent them to Atticus that morning of the 27th and said in her text, "Apparently, Atticus wants to climb trees today, because the blue one floated right over and got stuck in one!"

*I got many (72 to be exact) loving text messages from family and friends throughout the day offering support and encouragement. 

*We received blackberry cobbler (Jocelyn makes a good one). 

*Darling orange and white candles

*A gift card for Eric and I to go out to dinner, 

*Thoughtful letters, flowers... the entire day we were surrounded with love and support.

*The UPS man, new to our neighborhood, nearly broke into tears when he delivered flowers to us and said how very sorry he was, that no mother should have to go through that. It was very tender.

Tiff, sent me this sweet picture.

And this, was the icing on the cake-

My sweet amazingly loving and supportive friends went to "Atticus' Special Spot," and sang one of his very favorite Primary Songs, 'We'll Bring the World His Truth.' They recorded it and sent it to us. I watched it at least 10 times. Each time crying sad/happy/grateful tears. I cannot even begin to describe how it makes my mommy heart feel, knowing that "Atticus' Special Spot" had visitors who love and care for him so much. Thank you for putting this together Leslie. It meant and means so much to me.

Grady Fam

Anderson and Fuller Fam

Young Fam

Johnson Fam

Zollinger and Forston Fam

Not pictured: Fish Fam. Qualls Fam. Hansen Fam. Skidmore Fam.

I am humbled with the love and generosity that continues to be shown to our family. 

Our families visit to the cemetery

It's a surreal day. You don't know what to do with yourself. I find myself watching the clock thinking, this is when he woke up. This is when I tried to get him to drink milk (with no luck- he'd pretty much stopped eating). This was when I laid down not feeling well. The last time I saw his eyes. The last time I heard his voice. The moment I felt death enter his body. The moment we lost him. You try as hard as you can to not think about it, but you can't. It's the day my sweet brave 4 1/2 year old left us for a greater mission. Taking part of me with him. And it hurts. Part of me went with him in that BYU casket. I spent most of the day very depressed in between tears and sleep. It's a day you that can't get over fast enough.

It's so hard. I have come a long long way since he passed, but like the quote at the beginning states, I'll never be the same, nor would I want to. I am so grateful for Dr. Asay's help in letting of of the guilt and letting go of Atticus' suffering, which was so evident toward the end. And I try to remember what I learned in therapy, but sometimes that guilt and remembrance of his suffering sneaks in and knocks the wind out of you. What a brave boy he was. No complaints. Just smiles. 

And as much as the guilt and his suffering kills me, missing him kills me even more. Oh my goodness it hurts. I miss my spit-fire, ridiculously hilarious, feisty Atticus. I miss watching him look for treasure. Riding his bicycle, hitting the baseball/golf ball. I miss hearing him tell me stories about "Skider-man." I miss sleeping next to him. Holding his hand. The missing hurts the most. I find myself clenching my fists wanting to hold his hand so badly. To see the flat mark on his left thumb from sucking it so much. Seeing the tiny hint that was left of his stork bite on his forehead. 

Sometimes I just feel so lost. As a person. Mother. And wife. I know this will pass, it always does, but when you're in the thick of it, it breaks you to pieces. And I'm just so tired of picking them up.

Atticus, I am overcome with emotion tonight. I love you honey. I miss you so much. What I wouldn't give to have you back in my arms. 

Just like dad!

Putting Thomas and Friends "night-night."

Our 3am buffet! This kid on steroids ate us out of house and home!

He LOVED the garbage truck. So every Friday, we would follow them down the alley.

He sure loved his daddy!

Broken Bow, OK

He picked this Barbie out for me, but said, "We need to buy her new clothes. She's not modest!'

I love you Atti-Bug. So so much. As Tiff said, we are one year closer.