Grieving is a funny thing. Funny, in a not so funny way. It hits you when you do expect it. It hits you when you don't expect it. And when you don't, it really knocks you off your rocker. Monday was an incredibly hard day for me. Lots of unexpected reminders. I was emotional all day but hysterics for a good two hours. Yes, he is free from cancer and pain, and yes that provides some relief but it does not however, provide an escape from the pain. Regardless of pre-cancer or cancer Atticus, my heart aches in a way that cannot be put in to words. I miss him. I constantly wonder what he would be like. Would he still like cars. Would he still like "milk warmer?" Would golf and baseball still be his favorite sports? Would his favorite church songs still be "Army of Helaman" and "Scripture Power?" Would his favorite colors still be blue and orange?
It's been 2 1/2 years and the shell shock is still here. It is still so surreal and still find ourselves asking, "Did this really happen?" Days like that you quickly forget the progress you've made and find yourself thinking, "Who am I kidding? I'm not okay. I'm never going to be okay." I find myself feeling guilty for mistakes made in the past. Guilt for not being a better mom (I let Isaac watch too much TV). Guilt for not taking the pain I have and turning it into something positive. Guilt for not taking better care of my physical body.
Now, after two years, give or take, of therapy, I realize the above are thinking errors but it's so hard to stop the "snowball" effect I am so very good at. It's hard to stop the speeding train headed for doom. BUT I am getting better and accepting the fact that days like this will come and I need to humble myself, realize I can't do it on my own, and ask Heavenly Father for help. Why is that so hard? Why can we spill our guts to our husbands family and friends, but when it comes to spilling our guts to the Savior we, (I) hesitate. Not just hesitate, I don't.
After talking to family member Monday afternoon, I was given the advice to get on my knees and ask Heavenly Father for strength. To ask him for even just one way to help me get through this day of hard emotions. I was cynical. I thought to myself, "Yah. Sure. He's just going to tell me... Ok Cindy, Here's what ya gotta do.... XYZ." Then I thought to myself, "Cindy? Who's thoughts are those coming from? Satan or Heavenly Father? Who wants you to stay unhappy and guilt-ridden? Who wants you stay as far from your knees as possible?" Satan of course. So, despite my doubt and pride, I got on my knees, and respectfully "spilled my guts" to the Savior. I really tried to picture Him being there in the room with me, clearing my mind of all other thoughts. I talked to my Heavenly Father. Was I expecting an immediate answer? I'd be lying if I didn't say yes, but I wasn't going allow myself to get upset if I didn't. And did I? No, and yes. Did it come to me right that very second that I needed to do "XYZ?" No, But what I typically would have done after breakdown, is willow in my depression and take a nap. Only dragging things out. But I didn't I was productive and got things done off my to do list. And slowly the heartache lifted. The kids woke up from their naps and we went to the park. I didn't turn on the TV. I didn't drop my kids off to someone. I didn't continue my "snowball" effect. I didn't allow Satan to win. So, yes. Heavenly Father did answer my prayer. He kept me going and got me through the day.
Atticus, was something else. He is something else. Cancer was NOT him, just a terrible 4 1/2 months of his life. We had 4 amazing years with him. And despite the 4 1/2 months while he was sick, he did have happy times. Very happy times. I think that part of my test is to remember that. Yes he suffered. BUT, he had happy times. He laughed. He danced. He joked. He smiled. He played. He sang. He had adventures. He knew he was loved. Very VERY loved.
This life is tough, but we can't give up. I can't give up.
"To eternity and beyond." So grateful for our eternal family.
Literally, just hours before he left us. We had no idea.
9 comments:
Cindy, I am so grateful you allowed us to know your beautiful son...to know he laughed and smiled..it was infectious. So many time I look at his perfect little face and think what a boy, what a wonderful boy. What joy he has brought and what lessons of love he continues to teach us. We love you and your family.
Love you so much! So I know this sounds cheesy, but I'm proud of you for getting down on your knees and allowing Heavenly Father to help you. You really inspire me to get a closer relationship to our Heavenly Father. You are so tough and such a wonderful mom and friend. I love your phrase "to eternity and beyond." We're going to adopt that phrase in our house--we'll think of you and your family and the knowledge that we all have that families will be together forever. On the way home from soccer practice yesterday, Noah said, "I miss Atticus," which then turned into a good conversation about some of the memories he has of Atticus. We really do love you guys, and you bring light into our lives and continue to strengthen our testimonies. XO
That was incredible. You're helping so many people in so many ways get through their own struggles, me included. Everything you said reminded me that whatever else I do not know or understand, I know this. God loves His children, and that includes me. Of course He longs to help us. Of course.
Thank you, Cindy.
Oh I love you. Im so glad you had a productive day Cindy and that you got an answer. I'm sorry the morning was so rough and that there's no way around that. I would not be functioning right now if it weren't for my Savior and Heavenly Father. There is no doubt in my mind. 9 months of the last year I wondered if Caleb would survive. It was excruciating. And then a week before he passes away I find out there is another new life inside me and trying not to worry about the exact same thing is enough to put you over the edge. But I refuse to forget the things I have learned although hard at times, I have learned a whole new level of trust. I love you. I look up to you so much. I have learned so much from you.
I wish I could give you a great big hug! I was in your Richardson 2nd ward briefly before you guys moved and have been saying up to date on your blog. You are one strong woman, and I know I am not the only one to think that. I have gone through my own trials in losing several babies. NOTHING like what you went through, but it is something despite the horrific and emotional nature while going through, I am grateful for where it has brought me today. You will get there! I will get there. We all will get there. Hugs!!
Please remember during the hard times, that you have so many people praying for you and your family, to help you get through the pain. You don't personally know many of us, but through your writing, we are journeying with you. We may not know the kind of pain you deal with, but we know that you are stronger than you think you are. (((HUGS)))
Cindy, You are amazing. I love you. Atticus is forever in our hearts and Ashton links him to heaven anytime we talk about it. His legacy is still teaching us and his little buddies here on earth even with all the work he is doing in the Spirit World. That's why he loved his Book of Mormon so much... he knew his mission was not 15 years away!
I needed to hear that today. Thank you!
Post a Comment