2 years

Its been a rough week for me and knowing that today was around the corner didn't make it any easier. Sometimes I can snap out of the depression pretty quickly and sometimes I can't. Right now is one of those "I can't" times. Im just sick to my stomach and miss him more than words can say. My desire to hide from the world is alarmingly strong right now. And Im an emotional mess.

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Today makes 2 years. 2 years from when Atticus was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.

Im in absolute denial today. And pretending the day doesn't exists. It's too hard. And I instantly get the urge to vomit.

Memory is a funny thing. There are parts of January 13, 2012 that I remember so clearly, it could have been five minutes ago. And there are parts of January 13, 2012, that no matter how hard I try, I have absolutely no idea what happened. Both are good and both are bad.

I remember Eric and I waiting in the very tiny and cold MRI waiting room. I remember wondering why it was taking longer then they said it would. I don't know what I thought it would be but I did NOT think it would be cancer. It didn't even cross our minds.

I remember them havig me sit in a wheelchair while my sleeping Atticus was put in my arms and we were wheeled back up to the 6th floor.

I remember how cold and distant the Neurosurgeon was. How angry I was at how non chalant he was about Atticus' diagnosis. Like he was telling us about our car needing new tires or somehting. Like it was no big deal. How he spent all of 10 minutes with us. We stood around the pop down computer screen and looked at the MRI picture. I rememer not even being really sure I new  exactly I was looking at and what he was referring to but too embarrassed to say anything. Clearly it hadn't set in.

Then BLANK. I have absolutely no idea of what we did after that.

I remember Dr. Lenarsky coming in. We were sitting on the couch, Atticus, me, Eric. Then the bomb dropped and I remember completely loosing it. Screaming. Kicking my legs. Stomping my feet. Yelling no. I remember watching the hospitals pediatrician pick up Atticus and taking him out of the room. I remember feeling like I couldn't breath. I remember my sweet husband also crying, grabbing my hand and tenderly telling me to calm down so we could get our game plan.

And that's when I experienced the first taste of death. Because right then part of me started dying.

I remember not being able to look Atticus' in the eyes for fear I would start screaming again.

Then BLANK. I have absolutely no idea what happened the rest of the day. I have no recolection of telling my family.

The next thing I remember is driving home from the hospital that night. Eric stayed with Atticus and I took Eric's parents, who had gotten there at five that day, and Isaac, home so I could nurse him and put him to bed.

I remember being at the light off 80 and Collins, and burst in to tears, saying, "Where am I going to bury him?" The next thing I remember is being on the couch crying with my in laws and my sisters arriving around 11pm. They held me and I continued to fall apart. We tried to go to bed but I found myself in the office having googled "DIPG" and cried.  And pretty soon, we were all in the office crying. I never stopped crying.

We had NO idea what we were in for. And for the record. THIS is the worse part. The memories. The missing him. The guilt. The missing him. The second guessing. The missing him.

It's a totally different life. One that at times I remember vividly. Other times it's a blur. I have to really focus and concentrate to figure out dates... when was he diagnosed? when did he leave us? How long has it been since diagnosis? How long has it been since he's been gone? I really truly get confused.

It's times like this that I wish I was more faithful and Christ-like. That I wish I could force myself to let the blessing's (because heavens knows we were given many blessings) outweigh the negative. But Im not. I get angry. Angry that others can find peace and not look at the past. I get angry that for the rest of our lives we will have these "dates. " Diagnosis. Digression. PICU. Passing. Viewing. Funeral.

It's ridiculous how many times a day I have to push thoughts out. How many times I have to close the heavy doors. How mnay times a day I am reminded that he is gone. Comments said in love and concern, hurt. Our family is not complete. I am struggling to find peace in this part of our life. I wish I were more faithful. But Im not. Im sad. Im hurt. Im so homesick for him I physically hurt.

2 years ago today I was told that my 4 year old, FOUR year old was going to die and there wasn't a dang thing I could do about it. Tough times.

`Some favorites in no particular order...

I LOVED being pregnant with him. I was so excited for everything. 

He had a "Stork bite" in the middle of his forehead in the shape of a "V." We joked that we should have name him Lord Voldemort! We would always take him on walks.

Story time with Daddy. LOVE his wild hair.

He would get so excited when daddy got home.

He would put wash clothes on his Thomas bath trains to put them "night-night."

First day of his first year of preschool. He is seriously so cute.

3 year old pics!

We took him to Top Golf to mini golf and go to the batting cages all the time.

His snacks in the dryer!

The first of my three thumb suckers.

I LOVE the "I just woke up rosy cheeks." He would always make piles with his toys and balls and then sit on them!

Watching daddy up at bat.

He took sports very seriously!

My beautiful boy.

We were having a snack watching daddy put the Christmas tree on the stand.

He loved my dads dog Oakley and would run around chasing her.

I seriously could kiss his face off.

Eric was in law school for Atticus' first two years of life so he and I spent A LOT of time together and oh my goodness do I miss our Waco days. Not the daddy being gone so much part, but the fun times Atticus and I had together.

This is when his love of golf began.

We put this picture in Eric's laws school graduations announcements.

Every Friday we would follow the garbage crew down the ally then put the lids on each can as we walked back to our house. EVERY Friday. He would run to the back door when he heard the truck coming. We got to know our garbage crew pretty well! 

He loved the water whether pool....

or ocean! This is SUCH an Atticus face (Isaac looks a lot like him in this picture).

He was WAY too brave for my liking.

I cannot even tell you how many times he wore this BYU shirt.

The first time he got to hold Isaac!

My wild maniac! We definitely got our money's worth with this "bicycle."

He LOVED to "read" the Book of Mormon and was pretending to be a missionary. 

Buddies!

Pedi time!

He was really good at getting dirty!

His reward for being officialy potty trained!

Two things he LOVED: "Milk Warmer" and his dinosaur boots!

He LOVED pajamas that had buttons

We were bored one day so we decided to have an un-birthday birthday party and made a cake!

My tiny best friend.

Treasure hunting!

Brotherly love.

He loved to make Isaac laugh.

"Mom! Help! Grab the fat kid!"

We would race each other in the morning to see who got to Isaac's room first!

My handsome boys for church.

He LOVED oreos. He asked me what the white stuff was and I said, "Cream." He replied, "Oh!! I LOVE cream. It's good for me!"

This picture just makes me smile! Oh how I love and miss him.

He would always say, "Mom! Look at your boys!"

This was 2 days after diagnosis.

This was once we were home.

He got so bad so quickly. Tell me this is not the sweetest little crooked smile you have ever seen.

Im exhausted looking at this picture. Those first few weeks were SO hard.

I love you Atticus. I miss you so much its crazy. Although I hate cancer and hate that it took you from us, I miss your sweet chubby cheeks. I miss sleeping with you at night. I miss rubbing your tummy when it hurt. I miss holding your hand. I miss watching your cheeks jiggle as you laughed. I miss your jokes, "There once was a man who ate 39 pancakes... OH how WAFFLE!" I miss saying your name. One day sweet boy. We will be together again. I love you.