Easier said than done...

Working through loss is easier said then done. I don't want to. It's not fun and it hurts. A lot. I want to ignore it. Pretend it never happened. That way I don't have to hurt. But I know that in the long run, that strategy will most likely to come back to bite me in the you know what...

February and March I lived in the "ignorance is bliss" mode. I chose to ignore the fact that 'it' happened and any time a thought or a reminder would creep up I would shake my head and close my big huge heavy door on it. I was "happy." Or at least happier than I had been.

Come April, that strategy began to no longer work and I felt myself slipping into that same dark tunnel I visited in December. I can feel the pressure building up. The knot in my throat is showing up more than I would like and I have realized that when I am doing particularly bad I retract from people. I don't want to hang out or do anything. I just want to stay home and be by myself.

There was a period of time where I would wake up and not have a "rain cloud" hovering over me, but it's coming back. Lately, I go to bed in tears and wake up with sad reminders. The closer it gets to May the worse it becomes. The memories that I try so hard to ignore are hitting me like a ton of bricks. And its horrible.

Eric and I were in tears the other night and he said that he has missed Atticus more in April than he has in awhile. What do you do? What do you say? Seeing the ones you love the most hurt, it horrible. It really is. All we can say to each other is how sorry we are and hold each other tight.

I married up for sure. Eric is truly one of a kind. That man has this amazing ability to juggle the world and not bat an eye. He is this testimony that is breath taking and inspiring and an this intense love for me and the kids that makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I could not have dreamt a better husband. Seriously. Eric is my perfect soul mate and and carries 99% of our family load and I love him for it. I hope to one day help out a little more :).
 
Depression can be a slippery slope. On one hand I feel/know I am entitled to have these sad feelings but also know that too much of these bad feelings is never a good feeling.

We are approaching the year make. An entire year without our son. And right now, whether good for me or bad for me, I don't care, I feel pretty crappy upset sad and emotional. One year. 365 days. Imagine, a whole year without your child. I feel an emptiness. A sadness. A sense of betrayal. Betrayal that we are moving on without out him. Whether we like it or not life goes on. Peoples lives continue when surely you would think it not possible. It gives me the biggest pit in my stomach. I want to throw up, scream then run away. Far far away.

I have this tendency to feel alone even though I know I'm not (Why do retract from people then you ask? Good question. I have no idea.). I sometimes feel like since our cancer journey is over, since Atticus is now gone, that our troubles must be too. Let me just say folks.. Wrong. Obviously its a different type of battle. No vomiting, in-ability to walk, medications issues, hospital trips, radiation issues, but at least then I got to sleep with him at night. I got to hear his voice, laugh at his jokes, put chapstick on those chubby lips as he was waking up from sedation. At least then, I had his hand to hold. Chubby cheeks to kiss. And a cute little booty to pinch.

I look at pre-cancer pictures and think, no way. No WAY did this kid get cancer. NO WAY is he gone. It's just not possible.

Now, I kiss a flippin' picture. I'm waiting for a stupid monument to be made. Wishing I could just dig down and hold him one more time. I wish I could go back to the funeral and say my last good bye over. Kiss him longer, hold his hand tighter. Run my finger around the outline of his lips one more time. Look at his sweet freckles. I remember when dressing him for the last time and putting his socks on thinking, I want to remember these sweet toes. He had the cutest feet.

Oh my goodness, this is so hard. It is so incredibly hard.

I held my baby as he died. I dressed him for the last time. I attended his funeral. I know I'm not the only mom who has had to do these horrible things, and I hate that. I hate that other families have gone through, are going through, or will go through, this same thing. I want to ask you mommy survivors, how do you do it? How do you survive. When do those haunting memories stop haunting you.

***

Isaac asked me the other day "If he could go to Heaven to see Atticus?" Then asked, "Can I  hold him?" I started to cry and said, I wish buddy. I want to hold him too. One day.

I miss that boy. I miss being his mom. I miss having him around and taking care of him. I miss his incredible giggle and his right tooth moving into the left tooth's spot since he knocked it out.

I even miss the not so good days. The days where he was sassy and disobedient. The days where I went to bed in tears from exhausting and frustration. The days where I would have to stop myself and say in my head, "Okay mom, get a grip, you are reasoning with a two year old." No life wasn't perfect but it was good. He kept me on my toes for sure....

The birds were chirping the other day and it reminded me of spring 2010 when Atticus and I were outside playing and it was getting close to lunch and nap time. I said, "Atticus, do you hear those birds? Do you know what they are saying?! They are saying, "chirp-chirp" its time for lunch and naps!" To which he replied, "No. No. They are saying "chirp-chirp" its time for snacks and a movie!!"

Another time he wanted to play outside but I told him he needed to wear a jacket, he stepped out the front door and throwing his arms up said, (very enthusiastically) "But mom!! It's a BEAUTIFUL day!"

He would bless his white rice and broccoli and the chicken he didn't like very much.

He had the funniest little exercise ritual he would do before bedtime that would crack us up.

Another favorite is him asking me, with this incredible smile/smirk on his face, like he knew he was being clever, "What's the grand scheme of things mom?!"

He loved hotel soap and would always ask if we could bring them home!

He loved "milk warmer" (milk heated up)

One night he said, "Mom, sleep close to me." You bet buddy!! Glad to.

I love you Atticus. You are one missed boy. Please come visit me soon.