Some days are just plain hard...

Today was one of those days.

Sometimes the quiet kills me. I frequently have the TV on (usually ESPN) for the noise or have music on to distract myself.

I miss having a wild 4yr old boy running around. I miss the sound of his voice. I miss his laugh. I miss holding his hand. I miss seeing him snuggled on the couch or coming down the stairs. I miss watching him check the mail and telling me, "Don't worry Mom. If a bad guy comes, I'll run in the house." I miss reading bedtime stories to him and falling asleep snuggled together. I miss everything about him.

This came in the mail today...

And I burst into tears. Atticus was so excited to go to the new elementary school. Every time we drove past it (they were building it during his battle) he would ask Eric and I when he got to go. We both would tear up and say, "Soon buddy!" He wanted to eat lunch with Tristano, his buddy from across the street. He should be starting kindergarten. We should be pumping him up talking about how much fun it will be. That he will get to each lunch there. That so many of his friends will be there. He should be going to kindergarten.

While at Target today I saw a Mom with her daughter and son shopping. The daughter clearly had some type of cancer. When I see a cancer fighting kiddo, I kinda turn in to a stalker. It is SO hard for me not to run over to him/her and kiss those chubby steroid cheeks and tell them how proud I am of them. How brave they are being. And how much I love them. It is so hard for me to not go up to the mom and hug her as tight as I can and say, "Im so so sorry." or "I understand how it hurts, but hang in there." I try super hard to distract myself and keep shopping but as I go to check out, I see them get in the lane 2 over from me, so what do I do.... move over two lanes so Im behind them, wracking my brain on how to get a conversation started. (Light bulb) She has a "bedazzled" gold awareness ribbon shirt on....

Me: I love your shirt! Where did you get it?
Her: Oh! Thanks. I ordered it off ETSY.
Me: Im assuming its for Pediatric Cancer Awareness?!
Her: (looking surprised--unfortunately Pediatric cancer is not advertised like breast cancer) Yah. My daughter as Medulloblastoma.
Me: (My hearts starts beating fast.... thats a type of brain caner)

Anyway... our conversation goes on and come to find out, they go to the same hospital we went to and see our beloved Dr. Lenarsky. Again my heart started beating a mile a minute and I tried to hold back tears. Hearing that was like being homesick, but in a weird way. I do not miss why we had to be there, but I sure miss the people we got to see. We chatted for a bit about their journey and how well her daughter is doing. That she actually had 3 tumors. The large one they were able to remove and the other two were small enough that they feel chemo and radiation will do the trick. She asked about my son, to which I replied, "We weren't so lucky. And lost our sweet boy in May." She hugged me and both got teary eyed. We exchanged numbers then I went to my car and cried.

It's times like this that it's really hard to not ask why. Why could't Atticus have that type of cancer. One with a chance. Why did he have to have DIPG... then, (I dont' know If I ever mentioned it), but after our time in the PICU after Atticus had seizures and they did a CT scan and spinal tap, they found more cancer, Leptomeningial Carcinomatosis. Tumors on his neck, spine, and cancer cells circulating in his spinal fluid. It's hard to push back the "why's" when you think, OK, Heavenly Father, he was diagnosed with DIPG, so why more? Why more cancer? Isn't DIPG bad enough? And then to find out after had Atticus returned to Heavenly Father, that he didn't have DIPG but a PNET a more aggressive type of tumor. WHY? WHY? WHY?  I know I have to let the "why's" go, and I really am working on it, but it is SO HARD. My mommy heart has a pulsating pain that physically hurts my soul. And some days it just too much.

We were at a play date last week and the moms were discussing the soccer team the kids will be on... Noah, Charlotte, Amelia, Gracie... I went home and cried. Atticus would be on that team and he would have loved it. He would have felt so grown up in his soccer uniform.

He had been on a "soccer team" just two weeks before being diagnosed and he loved every second of it. He would wake up in the morning and ask me, "Is it a soccer day mom?" And if it was, he would want to put his "uniform" on right away.

Sometimes I feel trapped in the "baby" phase. My friends lives are moving on. Their kids are growing up. Atticus' friends are growing up. Their starting kindgergarten. Playing soccer. Become little big people and I feel like Im missing out. I want to be doing those things too. I want to watch Atticus do those things. And I don't get too. Not here anyway. And some days it is just. so. hard. Some days I just can't stop the tears.

I miss my friend. My sous chef. My treasure seeker. My sports fanatic. My driving coach. My buddy. I miss my Atticus.

Some days it's just too much.

 Such a boy!!

He LOVED this snake and name him "Snakey-boy!" 

He was obsessed with eating snacks in the dryer!

Mommy me swimming lessons! 

 Love!

This is one of my favorites. He LOVED to make Isaac laugh!

Brotherly love!

My sous chef! 

Broken Bow, OK 

He and Daddy went to Target to pick out a prize for him (he had filled up his sticker chart for taking his meds bravely), when he told daddy that he wanted to pick out a present for me! Melt. My. Heart. He later told me that we needed to buy the barbie different clothes because she wasn't modest! 

My boys love to be naked :)

He is such a goof troop. He loved to roll out play dough and find a spot for each car.

Then roll in it himself!!  

Ohhh those steroid rosey cheeks. I LOVE YOU!! 

Baseball obsession! This was his reward for "no accidents!" 

He LOVED getting Isaac in the morning and would say, "Mom! Look at your boys!" 

Love these boys. 

 Spa day at the Hansen house! 

(10 wks old)

He's always been a fighter!!