D Day

I wrote this yesterday, Sunday, January 13, 2013

It's 9:03 am. I've been up since 4m. In 27 minutes we were told that Atticus had a Brian tumor. We were told that we were, "up against the worst of the worst" and had 1-2 years left with our son. Our son who just turned 4.

One year ago today, in now 24 minutes, our world crumbled coming to a complete stop. We held each other and cried like we have never cried before we didn't know such fear and sadness existed   That tears could come in such strong never ending force. we looked at Atticus with new eyes.  desperation in ours.

One year ago today, part of me started to die and on May 27, 2012. It did. Part of me died with Atticus. Part of our family died with Atticus. It's locked up tight in a BYU blue casket. 6 feet under and I hate it.

It is so unreal. No way could Atticus have had cancer. Theres no way. Atticus...  who left everyone amazed after meeting him. Atticus who was whitty, smart, tender, athletic, sassy, sweet... No way could he have had cancer. No way could he have suffered like he did. No way could he be gone. No way can we still be alive. Without him.

When Dr. Lenarsky told us, I remember flipping out. Kicking. Screaming. Saying no no no. I was sick to my core and held on to Eric as if at any moment, he would be taken from me too.

One year ago today in now 18 minutes, Atticus started slipping through our fingers and there was nothing we could do to stop it.

I have and am trying hard to not think about it or to try and think of happy memories, but I can't. I look at the clock and remember everything about that day. And everything that followed that day. I remember it like it was yesterday. I often wonder how families who have lost a child survive. At times it seems absolutey impossible.

It's so hard not to think, "it's not fair."  It's not supposed to be like this. 4 year olds aren't supposed to die. Kids aren't supposed to get cancer. Parents aren't supposed outlive their little ones.

I should be fixing breakfast for my 2 kids. I should be getting 2 kids ready for church. Packing 2 sippy cups and snacks. I should have 2 kids to read stories to. I want my 2 kids. I want to watch Atticus and Isaac play. I want to remind Atticus that he needs to share his cars. I want to laugh with them. Chase them. Hold them. Watch them. I want my 2 kids to be together. To grow up together.

Its been so hard to stay afloat over these last 2 months. First his birthday, then christmas, then D Day. Im a wreck. Im depressed. I want to give up. It just too dang hard. Im absolutely sick. I look at myself in the mirror and dont even recognize myself. Theres no spark left. All the things I took pride in doing... crafts with my kids, cooking yummy fun meals, having parties, doing crafts on my own, I have no desire. I know this is dumb but Im a handprint footprint nerd. I ALWAYS did them with the boys. I didn't do one with Isaac this christmas and I hate that. I hate that I didn't have the desire. That I didn't care. And then I think, "what if I didn't do them with Atticus? whats to say something won't happen to Isaac, and I won't have the hand/foot prints for him" and then I feel so guilty Im sick. I know what your probably thinking, nothing will happen to Isaac, but really who the heck knows. I would never NEVER had thought what happened to Atticus would happen. Whose to say something won't happen to him.

I was strong for Atticus, I look back and have NO IDEA how Eric and I did what we did. But we did. That drive, for me, is gone, I feel like Im falling down a dark never ending tunnel and sometimes I have the energy to try and grab hold of something to stop me from falling and other times Im just so far "gone" that I don't care and cannot wait for it to end.

Isaac deserves more. Eric deserves more. I just don't know how to do it. I don't know how to get that same drive back. And most times, Im too tired to try.

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Rereading this makes me think that maybe I should make this blog private... Im one heck of a downer. Sorry you guys.