Oh Atticus...

I'm sitting in Atticus' room, wrapped in his BYU blanket and can't stop crying. Can't stop thinking about him. Can't stop wishing he were here. 

I miss him. This is so horrible. It is still so surreal. I woke up the other morning and totally thought we were holding hands. Then cried. Life is day by day. Some good. Some bad. I have never been so homesick for something or someone in my entire life. I can't even begin how to describe how it feels. One day I'm excited about life and the next day I want to boycott everything. I don't like our new reality. I don't like how out of place I feel. How the longer time passes the more clingy Isaac gets. The more sad about Atticus he becomes. I cry because when Isaac talks about him he says, "Atti. Heaven" and blows a kiss. I want them to be together. Bad or sad memories come to mind so I mentally yell at myself to stop thinking about those particular things and try to think of good and happy memories but then those memories hurt SO badly that I am crying all over again. I can't decide which is worse, the good memories or the bad. They both hurt to the point of wanting to vomit, just in different ways. 

Some days, I just can't win. I drive down the road, see a dead squirrel, and burst into tears because it makes me think of Atticus and being at the mortuary with him, getting him dressed in his white suit. I turn on the radio and "Firefly" is playing so I burst in to tears because he loved that song. I start planning our Thanksgiving menu and burst into tears because last year, we cooked together. I cry because I watch other families and am jealous. Jealous that they are all together and ache for mine. I clench my fists wanting to hold him so badly. Wanting to talk to him. Hear his laugh. I kiss his picture hoping that magically the glossy lips will kiss me back. I hold his porcelain hand and cry, missing the softness of his skin. That flatness of his left thumb - a sign he sucked his left thumb. I miss kissing the light sprinkling of freckles on his upper cheeks. I remember saying my very last goodbye before the funeral started, and staring so hard  at him, not wanting to forget anything, knowing that it was going to my last time looking at my son on this earth. I kissed his button nose, kissed his full lips then put chapstick on them, rubbed my fingers across his freckles, held his cold little hand wishing so badly I could crawl in there with him. I didn't want to leave him. I miss him so much. Sometimes I don't know how a mother is able to survive a trial like this.  Can't stop thinking about him. I want to wake up from this nightmare. 

I want this little boy back. This little boy who in just 4 weeks would be turning 5. I am dreading his birthday. I really REALLY hope that December 16th leads straight into December 18th. I don't want December 17th to happen. I really really don't. I don't know how we'll get through it. 

Sometimes Atticus' cancer pictures are too hard for me to look at. So I went back through 2011 and pulled up a few of my favorites. Ones that show his personality. And although I'm bawling, I know its good for me to do this.... So here goes...

That boy loved his cars. And LOVED setting them up on the train table. Trains very rarely made an appearance on the train table! We would try to fit as many as we could with strategic parking! This particular day he wanted to share his Book of Mormon with them. He loved having his own Book of Mormon. 

Being a goof ball with Aubrey and Mannix... 

Atticus was really sick when Isaac was born so he couldn't hold him for the first week. This was the first time he got to hold him. He was SO excited he was beaming... He has the most contagious smile. 

He adored Isaac and always wanted Isaac to snuggle in his bed so they could take a nap together. 

His "cool dude" shades. I loved this shirt on him.

Such a boy... doing what boys do... We were at our house (obviously it was in the process of being built) and we played around in the dirt piles. We had so much fun together. I probably gave him too much attention, but I didn't know how to not be right by his side and he didn't know how to play without me by his side. We were buds. It exhausted me and I worried about if I was parenting right but I am so grateful now. Grateful that I played with him all day every day.

Daddy and Atticus' first and last "Father-Son Camp out." He was SO excited and asked me a million times if I "got the mallows!"

Eric said he was so excited to be in the tent he didn't sleep a wink!

He picked out his own outfit! 

His Mothers Day program at preschool 2011. Atticus did NOT like preschool for the first two months. He wanted to stay home with me. We both cried, but daddy encouraged us both that we could do it and it ended up being a great experience. His teacher Mrs. Gavaghan was so patient with us both. I would call the school to check on him and would always get to the school early so I could watch play on the playground from the car. I would ride the tricycle around the track and I found myself cheering him on, from the car, where he couldn't hear me, as he made it up the tiny hill... kinda embarrassed to admit how attached to him I was. I was anxious the entire 3 hours he was there.

You could always count on him to make a silly face! This BYU shirt was his favorite. 

We literally JUST moved in to our new house. The couch was delivered minutes prior and we took a moving break so we could snuggle. He loved helping me pack for our move and "labeled" each box. He was very good and helping the movers and helping me and Grandma clean the apartment!

LOVE 

 4th of July parade at our church! He picked out the decorations. We had a 4th of July party at our house that night and he loved the fireworks.

Playing with cars, as usual! For the longest time he only liked CARS cars, but eventually good hooked on hotwheels too!

This is EXACTLY what he said in this picture, I'm laughing just thinking about it... "Help! Mom! Get this fat kid!!" 

I was in the kitchen when he said, "Mom... I have a surprise for you!!!" He put the clothes from the washer in the dryer! All on his own!

He was such a good brother to Isaac. Always very concerned about him. 

We had so much fun with the pool. One time, Isaac was napping so it was just the two of us, He was in the water and wanted me to come in but I really didn't want to change into a suit, so I thought Id be a fun mom by jumping in and out of the pool making splashes.... until I slipped and fell in!!! We both laughed and laughed. It was one of those, "Life is good" moments.

You can't tell in this picture but he was "reading" the Book of Mormon and wanted to show Isaac. 

This is one of my favorites. He LOVED making Isaac laugh.

My and my little boys! 

Broken Bow, OK 

He LOVED hot cocoa with LOTS of mallows! 

Feeding Isaac! I love that is mouth is open wider than Isaac's :) 

He made "Daddy's building" with our "Give Thanks" blocks and wanted his picture taken! 

We spent lots and lots and LOTS of time outside. It was the perfect place for a boy. We had a house being build next to us and across the street from us so we would sit and watch them and he would run up and down our yard following the skid loads go up and down the lot next door!

His Thanksgiving lunch at school 2011. They sang the "johnny Appleseed" song, "Ohhh, the Lord is good to me. And so I thank the Lord...." He loved to watch Disney's American Legends DVD and Johnny Appleseed was one of his favorites. He knew that song word for word.

LOVED the snow. LOVED to make snow angels. 

LOVE LOVE LOVED to be with his brother.

I love you Atticus. Not every day was perfect. Some days mom was ornery. Some days you were ornery, but we were together and that was good. You are deeply missed sweet heart. xoxo