For Atticus...

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BYU Game

September 29, 2012

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Thursdays Heroes

Every week during the football season, an individual or a family with special needs is identified and invited to attend a team practice.  This flag, holds the signatures of some very special, very brave little souls. Pretty humbling, heartbreaking, and tender. My sweet Atticus is a part of this elite group. 

We enlarged Atticus' signature, then traced it with marker. It looked almost perfect. Perfect would have been if HE had signed it. But none the less, it looked great! I am so grateful that BYU gave Atticus  his very own flag and allowing us to keep it. It's a pretty big deal. Man how he loved the Cougs!

Before Atticus passed away, Eric and I talked about what we wanted just one more of. I wanted one more Christmas and Eric wanted just one more game. As you can imagine, it was a pretty emotionally hard day, but we tried our best to make it as happy as possible. 

"Jene-ne"

My amazing buddy Jene flew all the way from Texas to be here with us. It meant a lot to me and my family. She has been such a strength to me and a 2nd mother to Isaac. Despite, speeding, parking illegally, flight delays, ornery flight attendants, and being a BYU Cougar for the day (her hubby played football for the U of U), she made it and made a fantastic BYU fan! Blue looks good on you Jene- just sayin'...

The Hansen clan puts on one heck of a tailgate.

The Chunkster all decked out in his gear!

Our AMAZING family...

We love you guys! Thanks for being there for us.

Brett and Bethy... Brett put some major time in to get this event to happen. He and Bethy had worked on it for months.  We can't thank you two enough. The day was perfect. Thank you for the phone calls made, drives to Provo, shirt purchases, balloon purchases... everything. We love you two. A lot. Thank you!!!

I know this is sappy, but THIS is how you get through tough times. You hold on to your husband and never let go. I married the best man in the entire world. I couldn't have dreamt for anyone better to be by my side. Life is hard. Life throws curve balls. But when you have your best friend by your side, its do-able. My husband is amazing.... I  love you sweet heart. SO much. 

Minus a little hyperventilation, I kept emotions fairly in check. We both did well; considering.

I was pretty incredible to be on the field. I kept thinking, "Atticus would have loved this! He would be flipping out!"

Some field time...

 

We met with ? (blanked on his name), for me to sign Atticus' name on the flag, (the football players had already signed it and left a space for me to put his name on it). I couldn't help cry. He should have been the one to do this. He should have written his name. He wanted to write his name... As much as I loved being there, I hated being there. It wasn't supposed to be like this. None of it was supposed to be like this.

Atticus loved Cosmo. He has a signed poster from Cosmo and even named his butterfly after him! 

I can't look at this picture without crying. I love my husband so much. I hate seeing him hurt. I hate that there is nothing I can say to make it better. It hurts. On so many different levels.

I love you Eric. This was so so hard, but you did it. You did an amazing job. I'm so proud of you and I KNOW our sweet Atticus is proud of you. 

Tears of sadness and happiness.

Atticus is missed dearly but whole.

Atticus, this game was for you and your daddy! 

We love you sweet boy. More than words can say.

(October 2009)

(May 2012)

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CureSearch Walk

September 29, 2012

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My sister Stacie was the ring leader in this event and I am so grateful. Obviously, the walk didn't turn out as planned 4 months ago but that's life. Even though Atticus wasn't here, I still wanted to do the walk. I still wanted to honor him. I still wanted people to know and hear about him. To see what an amazing fighter I had. Because of Stacie, all of those things came to pass. I couldn't have done it. The thought of creating a team, organizing it, getting shirts made, ect. was very overwhelming to me. She took all of that upon her self allowing my little family to simply show up it and it was perfect.

Stace, I love you. Thank you for doing this. Thank you for making is so stress free for me. For loving my husband and two sweet boys like you do. I am so lucky to have you. 

I don't think blue and orange balloons will ever mean the same to me. They seem brighter now. More important. Happier and sacred. They will forever by my Atticus' balloons. I love you buddy.

Its a really weird feeling. Being excited for something that really isn't that exciting. Being anxious for something in so many different ways. I was excited to see all our family members. Excited to hug and thank the many amazing people who came out to support our son but I was heart broken because of the "reason" we were there. I will say that although overwhelmed by the day, I was happily overwhelmed by the many people who showed up and for the love we felt. Thank you!!

It was a very humbling experience to be surrounded by so many families, who like ourselves, have had their world turned inside out. Some kids knee deep in their fight, other's victorious, others not so lucky. I'm not going to lie, I had a little prayer battle with Heavenly Father, "why do so many little ones have to suffer?" "Why did my little one have to suffer?" "Why did my little one have to leave?" I am so grateful that so many kids make it through their fight with flying colors and get to live their lives but hurt that mine didn't. Hurt that my little boy wasn't there. Hurt that my little boy is gone. It was hard. Hard having my family wear the light green bandanna's (light green= your child is now a perfect angel, dark green= your child is currently fighting or a surviver). I hate that I got a rose and a white balloon along with the other parents who have lost a child, and that the entire park was silent for a moment while we let our balloons go. I didn't want to let my balloon go. I didn't want to be a mother that lost. It's hard to understand. It's hard to not be angry. I want my fighter back. I want my Atticus back.

I have to be careful when those thoughts come because they have a snowball effect and leave me in a massive "snowstorm." I'm not going to fully understand. Not in this life, so I just have to keep moving. Remind myself that for whatever reason, Atticus chose to be and "elite angel" and I have to respect that and try each second, minute, hour, and day to be okay with that. Of course it's not what we wanted but when I try to be "happy" it feels a lot better then when I allow myself to be in the "depths of despair." Not that I'm perfect.. I'm far from perfect. I definitely have my "depths of despair" days, but I really am trying to pick myself up by my bootstraps. Even if I do have to try about 15 million times a day. I have a new found respect for depression. It's exhausting and an every day battle.

This man is my rock. I have never loved anyone more.

Jene has been a trooper. This girl was there the night Atticus was diagnosed and there when Atticus passed away. It meant so much to me that she was able to come to Utah for these events.

We love you Jene-ne

I was all decked out in my blue and orange. Shoe's courtesy of my amazing sister Jenny. Nails courtesy of my awesome sister-in-law Sarah.

It gives you a pit in your stomach huh? To not have Atticus in the picture..

Chunk supporting his big brother.

He now says, "Atti. Heaven." and points up.

I know I say this all the time, but we really do have such amazing family and friends.

Thank you for everything!

Bless Uncle Matt's heart, he carried this the whole way!

The first part of the walk was very emotional. Eric and I both in tears, but as we got going, we started remember and laughing... which I know is what Atticus would have wanted. 

The banner was made by Jenny.

The writing below says, "We love and miss you!"

You know the lame LDS commercial that says, "Your never too far a part when your holding hands." Well its true. Holding this man's hand has made us beat the cancer-divorce statistics. We're in this for the long haul. I'm pretty sure we just proved that together we can do anything. 

(Thank you Sarai for the amazing pictures)

My sweet mamma! 

All along the walk were posters made for each child. My mom made Atticus' and it was absolutely perfect. And the cutest one there if I do say so myself!! Thanks mom! I love you.

My mom had the great idea of bringing the blue orange and white balloons to the walk. We each carried one and at the end of the walk we said a little prayer in our hearts and let them go.  I am so glad we did this. We did a balloon release at the graveside service for Atticus but I was so "gone" at that point I don't remember it and am pretty sure I never looked up. But not this time. I watched those balloons until I couldn't see them anymore.

Well Mr. Atticus, this was your weekend buddy. I hope we did you proud. You are such an amazing boy. You continue to teach your daddy and I so much. We miss you sweet heart. A lot. Your brother misses you. We talk about you all the time. We look at pictures of you and on the days when mommy's strong enough we watch videos of you. Sweet boy, I love you. I love the brave strong boy that you were and continue to be. Your daddy and I are trying to be strong too! Remember when you use to say, at bedtime, "But mom, I can't sleep rest or relax?" Well buddy I hope your fully rested and gearing up for when the rest of your family comes, 'cause my goodness we can't wait to see you.

I love you!