Isaac and I went to Utah...

...August 21st-29th

My sweet sister booked a flight for us. It was just what I needed to lift my spirits. The couple weeks prior  was pretty tough. Almost as emotional as right after Atticus passed away. And I'm not going to lie, I was b-a-r-e-l-y hanging on the few days leading up to our flight. 

Isaac was an absolute GEM on the flight and such a flirt. When we could, I would follow him up and down the aisle and he would say "Hi... Hello!" to everyone. He would check out the movie they were watching, try to pick up there phone or take a sip from there drink, check out the book they were reading. It was SO funny. He had the whole plane laughing!

I downloaded a few apps for the flight, just in case, but the best entertainment ended up being the ipads camera so he could make silly faces at himself....

It was so good to see Jenny at the airport. Isaac was super excited too. We were all glad to be there. I have an amazing family and LOVE being with them.

Jenny surprised me on the way to her house from the airport with tickets to see NORA JONES!!! I was SO excited. She told me she had a surprise for me but I had no idea it would be that. I haven't been to many concerts in my life so it was VERY excited! Another fun surprise was that while I was there, I ran into my most favorite boss in the whole wide world... Lisa. I hadn't seen her since we moved to Texas in 2007. It was so good to see her even if it was for just a minute!

 

We had such a fun night. Thanks Matt and Jenny!

 

FOTO FLY...

I got Isaac's 18 month old pics taken at FotoFly, the cutest studio that does the cutest pictures. It's where I had these taken, just a short, one heck of a little ol' year, ago...

  Chunk September 2011

Chunk September 2012!!

What the heck?!?! He's gotten big and blond!! I get such picture anxiety (I get so nervous they won't turn out) so I made my nieces Jacie and Kennendy come with me for moral support! Isaac was being a litter stinker and would NOT take his thumb out of his mouth! This first one, I'm practically laying on the floor next to him having had just pulled his thumb out!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wedding Dress Shopping...

Jenny and Matt are engaged and are planning a spring wedding. Saturday morning the bride to be, Stacie, Jacie, Kennedy and I went wedding dress shopping and had so much fun. We couldn't decided if we loved Jenny or hated Jenny. That skinny little twit looked great in everything!! She did "Say yes to the dress" and looks absolutely amazing but those pics I'll keep secret for the big day!

These are the bridesmaid dresses Stacie and I picked out ;)... Notice the cute bracelet I'm wearing. It is the coolest thing. A stranger that's now a friend had it made for me. It has 3 pictures on it. Two of both the boys and the middle one of just Atticus! I love it.

First day of school...

We were there for the first day of school for the kids! It was so fun to be around the excitement. They all looked darling (Fischer, you of course looked super cool) and had a great first day!

 

Tattoo Stand...

Some kids want to do lemonade stands but these kids wanted to do a "Tattoo Stand!" Stacie's kids crack me up. They are free spirits just like their mamma and very entertaining!!

Jay made some very cool designs!

 

Charlie was transformed in to Spider Man

 

Isaac, was not allowed to play. Mean mom I know!

The tattoo stand was quickly followed by tub time...

Isaac was obsessed with the play dirt-devil!

Karaoke...
 

Double fistin' it...

Training...
 

DIPG Momma's

We had a luncheon at Jenny's house Friday morning and it was incredible. These woman are incredible. Super-human moms. I was honored to be around them. It was of course emotional but very therapeutic. Tiff and I had met at Atticus' viewing (yes she is that amazing and was able to fly to Texas for it) and the other two amazing gals I had never met before. We had FB messaged and text but never actually talked on the phone or met. Funny how you can meet someone for the first time but already know them and love them and be bonded to them forever. We all said the same thing... "We are so glad we have each other but wish it were under different circumstances." The time went by WAY to fast so we decided that every time I am in Utah we need to meet up, even if it's just for a quick lunch. 

We talked about how each of our kids were diagnosed, compared notes and our journeys, laughed, cried, hugged,  and buoyed each other up. Sure wish Texas and Utah were closer. I LOOOOOOOOVED being with them. It was pretty crazy too, time wise. Tiff just reached the 3 year mark. Stephanie the two year mark. Mandy the one year mark. And me, 3 months. Obviously grieving is different for everyone but it was interesting to see how we all handled it and are continuing to handli it and great to gain strength from each other. Can't wait for my next trip out ladies. 3 wks!!

Tiff (Sadie).. Me (Atticus).. Mandy (Dylan).. Stephanie (Rex)
 

Chunk and his girl Shiloh (Tiff's youngest)


Me and my brother Spencer


Bean bag toss with Auntie Jen

Matt and I getting some yard work in. Pulling weeds is very therapeutic.

We surprised the grandparents and got GREAT reactions! It was really really fun. I thought my mom was going to hyperventilate and my dad totally chucked his phone in excitement! Eric's mom stood speechless at the door for I swear, five minutes. It was awesome!

 

My siblings.. breakfast at the park!
Spencer.. Jenny.. Me.. Stacie


 Jay and chunk have so much fun together.
 

Isaac loooves "Fishy!"


Isaac and Lexy giving loves!

 

McDonald's with Grandpa Jim

 

The Aquarium...

The boys had SO much fun. Stacie's boys actually enjoyed seeing the sharks sting rays and fish. Isaac however,  mostly enjoyed running around and getting Grandma and Grandpa to chase after him! It was a really fun outing.

Jay was talking to one of the employees about when a shark egg would hatch when he said, "Mom. MOM!! Give him your cell phone number.... (to the employee)... can you call my mom when the egg hatches?" It was SO cute!

 

It was a really good trip. I love being with my family. They are such a great support system. It was hard to leave but always good to be back with the hubby.

Back in Texas and doing laundry! 

And back in Atticus' room making messes!

 

So we are back in Texas and back in reality. Like it or not. Some days are good. Some days I can honestly say, "Today I was truly happy!' Some days I can think about Atticus and smile. I can look at pictures of Atticus and not cry. Some days I can see how in time, we can be truly happy again.

But other days are so hard it hurts. Some days it seems so unfair. Some days it's a constant uphill battle to survive. I feel lost. I look at other families and wonder if our family will ever feel complete again.

I know Im a broken record, but I can't help it. I try really hard to be positive but it's hard. It's one of the reason I don't post as frequently. Im a bit of a downer and no one wants to be around a downer.  It's hard to be happy. It's hard to try and be "normal" again. I want to sleep for days on end. Stay in my pajama's for the rest of my life and eat until Im 700 pounds (Im unfortunately doing really good at that part and keep eating my sorrows away). It's hard to not judge other people and their trials. It's hard to not think, "you have no idea what hard is." I know it's wrong to think that way. That it's prideful and I hate it. I pray for humility and kindness and try to remember that whatever trial we are currently in will of course seem like the most intense trial to us because it's "our" trial. So who am I to judge what someone else thinks is hard?  It's hard to not wonder what Atticus would be doing. Hard to not wonder how much happier would/could this moment be if we had both our kids with us.

I crave the sound of his voice. The smell of his skin. The feel of his hand in mine. I miss laughing at his silly witty jokes. I miss treasure hunting with him.  I miss having him as my sous chef. I miss playing ball with him. I miss his ridiculously addictive laugh.  I miss tucking him in at night. Reading him stories and singing him songs. He would want 10 each night. I miss hearing him say, "Mom... I can't sleep, rest, or relax!" I miss hearing him knock on the walls as he comes out of his room in the morning, his sneaky way of telling me he's awake. I miss hearing him run after Eric on his way to work asking him what time he'll be home then running to tell me the answer. I even miss the hard days, they days where he was sassy. The days where he felt he knew better than me. The days where I went to bed totally and utterly exhausted and emotionally frazzled. The days where I would think, "Did I seriously sign up for this mom gig?" I miss talking to him. Answering his questions. Listening to him sing and play make believe. I miss HIM.

I hate that Im already forgetting. It makes me sick. I hate that one day I won't remember the sound of his voice. That I will be forced to watch a video to remember. I HATE that he's gone. I really really do. I want him in my arms. I want cancer to go away forever. I want to take back every "bad mom" moment. I want to take back all those nights I was frustrated that he wouldn't stay in his bed and just let him sleep with us. I want to take back all those times I told him to "hang on" or "let me finish the laundry." I want him back. I want to fix the way I feel but can't.

We went to the cemetery and due to the hot summer there was a big crack in the dirt over him, and I honestly wondered, how deep would I have to dig to touch him. That's how desperate I am at times.
My mind is exhuasted. The constant battle of... just give up it's too hard to keep fighting, you can do this.

Heavenly Father really knows what he's doing because right at this very moment I want to go to sleep and not wake up until the 2nd coming, but seeing the green light on the baby monitor tells me to say my prayers, count my blessings and get up with Isaac in the morning. That tomorrow has to be better. That like it or not this is my life and I need to make the best of it. I don't know why this had to happen but I know it will all make sense one day. It's just getting to "one day" one day at a time.