Friday Mrs. Cherry Isaac and I went to take flowers my mom sent to Atticus. Every time I go to the cemetery I think, "He really is in the most perfect spot." Always in the shade. Quiet little cemetery. Close to our house... Its a perfect place.
The cemetery really is a weird experience. I miss him, so I go to the cemetery, but I get there and don't feel any closer to him than I did at home. He's not there. His body is but his spirit is in heaven doing more of what he was doing on earth. Making people laugh. Being a missionary. Being Atticus. I'm glad I feel this way, "not feeling any closer to him at the cemetery" because I didn't at first. At first I would go out there lay on the dirt next to him and cry. I would want to dig his BYU blue "house" up and hold him. I'm very grateful it's not that way anymore.
I'm really glad we got a temporary stone for him. It will be about 3 months before his permanent marker will be done. Eric and I went a couple weekends ago to design and finalize it. I think it will turn out perfectly. As soon as I got the pictures they need they will get started. They said it will take approximately 3 months. We are having some pretty intricate stuff done.... His hand print, HIS own writing of HIS own name... I want to always be reminded and anyone else who goes to visit him, that life can be short but meaningful. Life can be changed by the hand of a little 4 year. My life has been forever changed because of MY four year old. My four year old with a giant spirit. I miss him.
Saturday was a good day for our family. Isaac helped me with some cleaning...
He and daddy played peek-a-boo in the couch...
And we watched some Olympics. He is saying, "Go.Go.Go!"
And then we did some laundry!
Each week is getting a little less weird, being just the two of us at home. It's surreal to be back to the "one child" stage. This sounds weird but having two I felt like I was a seasoned mom. Atticus kept us hopping. We had baseball practice, preschool, swimming lessons, play dates, did crafts, rode bikes, played games, raced cars, he had just started soccer a few weeks before diagnosis. We were a "seasoned" family even thinking about when another should come. We were well on our way. I know we will have all of that with Isaac, in time, but it's weird to go back to the, "well.... what should we do now?"
I feel like we went from "regular" busy life to TOTAL change of life. The whirlwind and craziness of cancer: hospitalizations, doctor visits, ER trips, medications, treatments, LOTS of cuddling, LOTS of crying, LOTS of praying, LOTS of worrying, a "vacation" period, another hospitalization... Once home from his time in the PICU then on the 6th floor, Atticus' care was kicked up into high gear. Unable to walk, use the restroom, being accessed all the time with me doing his medications, it was a good 20 hours a day. He would need meds at night to stay comfortable and I would stay up the 30 minutes each time to flush and heparin lock his port. I'm not complaining. I loved taking care of him. I wouldn't have it any other way. I loved that I felt comfortable enough to take care of him so that we could have him at home with all of us where is was happy and comfortable. Then the craziness and speed of his ending and funeral. I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel like from January to June we were constantly going at a ridiculously fast speed. Constantly going. Constantly thinking. Constantly worrying. We went from constantly busy to nothing. Not that Isaac isn't nothing, that came out wrong, just that life with a ONE 1yr old, is very different from life with a 4 year old AND a 1 year old. Let alone a 4 year old with cancer.
You try and get back to your normal routine but think, "My normal routine is taking care of Atticus and Isaac. My normal routine, my JOB, is to take care of BOTH my kids." One of my jobs is gone. And it feels it's a pretty crummy feeling. A very empty feeling. Motherhood was all I ever wanted and although Atticus gave us a run for our money straight from the shoot, once we got the whole nursing and sleeping thing under control, I felt totally and completely in my element. MOTHERHOOD. That's me. It's all I have ever wanted. To be a wife and a mom. I realize I am still a mom, and love my sweet Isaac so very very much, but I feel like I have lost part of my identity. I lost my Atticus. And it's hard to find my place again. BUT I'm trying.
**
I went back and read through this post and felt like I needed to set the record straight. I love BOTH my children. Equally. I fear that it may at times seem like I love Atticus more because I talk so much about him and how lost I feel without him. But I don't. I love BOTH my boy. I would be in the same position if I had lost Isaac and had Atticus. I would be a mother without one of her children. One of the sweet spirits that she carried for nine months. Felt each move, kick, hiccup, then delivered and loved. Isaac being here is what gets me up in the morning. Isaac's sweet temperament, soft skin, chubby hands, cute little voice and antics is what reminds me that I haven't totally lost my identity. I love him. I love Atticus. I love Eric. I just wanted to set the record straight. I LOVE all my boys. They make me who I am. I am anxiously waiting for the time when we can ALL be together again.
16 comments:
Chunk is ADORABLE.Love his cheeks. He can come vacume my house anytime!! It is obvious you LOVE and ADORE both of your children. You are doing an AWESOME AWESOME job.
xoxoxo
Ang
You are an awesome mom! So glad to see that you are doing better =) I also cant wait to see what Atticus' headstone will look like.. his own name hand written himself? I know it will look great!
Take care and keep your head up! Remember that Atticus loves to see you smile.
I love how you write from the heart. You are so gifted. It's wonderful to hear from you often again. Who could ever doubt how much you love ALL your boys. They are all so Blessed.
You have a way of making anyone who reads your blog feel like you are talking to them. You write beautifuly and are just so sweet! I feel like you , all ive ever wanted was to be a mom too. I could never be as strong as you if i lost one of my children. Atticus and Issac are beautiful, and you are marching on like a true soldier.
I know all of us understood, that you love your sons equally. I so much appreciate you documenting the normal flow of feelings that come from such an experience. I read everyday. It's strange how we can care about a complete stranger. How, even when we step away from our computers, our thoughts are toward you, and wishing you some sense of peace and recovery. Even if no comment is made, this is the routine of so many people that are strangers to you.
I have never read the words that you write and think that you love anyone in your family different than the next. I read it and feel nothing but pure love that your express for Atticus, Issac, and Eric. I don't think anyone would argue that. You have such a way of expressing your love for those close to you. The way you describe your feelings makes me feel like I may have some idea of what you're experiencing. I then realize that it's only because you have this incredible ability to describe feelings and experiences and I couldnn't possibly know what you're feeling. You amaze me, Cindy! I admire you so much. I can't wait to see how your amazing little Issac grows into an adult. His job on this earth has already been so extraordinary and he has only been here such a short time. he is destined for more greatness. He has blessed so many people's lives before he could even walk! I tell ya, to see images of that cubby little arm and fist always wearing an A4A bracelet gives me so much faith that we are showered in our biggest blessings during our greatest trials. You put it so well when you said you were meant to be a mom. That's exactly what I have thought since the first time I got to go to your house in 6th grade. I have only ever known you to be the most caring, loving, sweetest person I have ever met. When your mom would tell me stories about you being pregnant with Atti or things like him breaking his tooth on his sippie cup, I would think, she is probably in her version of paradise. This is what she's wanted her whole life. Of course, the Lord would send you two of the most inpirational spirits there are! I just love you and miss you like crazy. I hope you know that you have an enormous extended family in Utah that doesn't say a prayer without your family in it. We love and adore you so much. You make us so proud! Keep doing exactly what you're doing.
We have been forever changed by sweet, strong Atticus too. He has touched my life in the short couple of years that I knew him. He is forever in my heart and in Noah's too-he still talks about him every single day. You are an AMAZING mother to both your boys and to mine. I feel so blessed to have you as a friend--I love you more than words can say.
I don't think anyone would ever doubt your love for both of your boys. You are an exceptional woman and mother. You just went through such an acute life changing experience. Is been so so recently that you lost your son. You do not need to explain yourself at all. You are doing great. You are an inspiration. Many people love you and your family, and are praying that your new normal will set in sooner than later. But until then. No alologies are necessary.
Anyone who doesn't understand your love of both your children is blind. Isaac is what keeps you going, but I cannot imagine the depth of your grief. That is the overriding emotion now & you need to feel free to express it without worrying that someone will think you love Isaac and Eric less. I think we are all amazed that you can function at any level after all you've been through.
You are doing such a good job, mommy!
I know that feeling at the cemetery. I thought it would be so important to me, but it's not. My mom, sister, and I lost my daddy a number of years ago, and we've often said to each other "he's not there."
Thinking of you all and keeping you in my prayers!
I love your blog! You are a gifted writer, mommy, and wife. I believe that Atticus misses you equally as much as you miss him, and it makes him happy, too, when he sees you having happy days! What a great mission he is on, just as you are as you continue to uplift and encourage others thru your blog. Have you considered that this is a missionary experience for your entire family? We feel your love and are inspired to all be better friends and family members. I hope you have many, many happy days to come!
I don't think it came out wrong at all! You said it perfectly-- your NORMAL is now... not normal at all for you! And I'm glad to see that you're giving yourself time to recognize that. You always have been, always will be, a mother. And because it's a job that is nurturing others (others that are also constantly changing!), YOU are constantly changing! It's like the tides at sea.
I'm looking forward to seeing Atticus' headstone-- it sounds just pefect!
You are such an amazing writer, and you don't come across at all as not loving Isaac as much as Atticus. You are trying to find your new normal. You are such a wonderful mother and you always will be a mother of two (unless you have more!) Isaac is SUCH a darling, chubby, precious doll. It sounds like he has quite a little personality too! You are in our thoughts and prayers.
No need to set the record straight. It's very evident that you love your family, each special member! You are a special and good mother! Love seeing little chunk! He is adorable.
Post a Comment