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No need to clarify that this picture is of last Father's Day. Today has been tough. I would give anything to have Atticus sit on my lap and give me a hug and tell me in his sweet voice, "Happy Father's Day, Dad!"
It has been two weeks since the funeral, but it seems like a year. I have been pretty numb. I am very ashamed to admit this, but I have tried not to think about Atticus. Its just too tough. The only way I can hold it together sometimes is to put everything out of my head. I feel sick every time I see his picture or walk past his room. I have been trying to allow myself to grieve, but most times I just can't. The pain is too unbearable. So, I have been putting it out of my head. Until today. From the kids singing to their dads at church to the father's day dinner, everything reminded me of my sweet Atti. At times today, it was all I could do to take the next breath. And then came the pictures. Cindy gave me two pictures for Father's Day. The first was a framed picture of Atticus and me, and the second was a painting of Atticus playing baseball in our backyard. I just looked at those pictures and cried. A small amount of joy and an immeasurable amount of pain hit me as I looked at them and I broke down. I cannot describe the heartache and pain I feel.
Cindy and I have been 100% focused on Atticus these last 5 months. Every minute of every day was focused on him. His happiness was ours. His pain was ours. Almost every thought we had centered around Atti. Now he is gone and a void remains. It feels like a good portion of who Cindy and I were has been ripped out. We have tried to fill that void with projects and activities, but it is still there. People tell me that time will heal, but I can't imagine ever being "ok" with Atticus not being here. Its hard to imagine that void healed. Its hard to imagine not hurting.
On another note( I know, smooth transition), I want to thank the Fathers in my life. Dad and Jim, you are great men. Thanks for being such great Fathers to Cindy and I during our lives, and especially during these last few months.
Eric.
9 comments:
Just to say I'm thinking of your family today. I am sorry the pain is so intense and no, I do not think the pain will fade.... you just learn to adapt in different ways. Praying as you continue through this valley of grief.
Eric,
We thought about you and prayed for you especially yesterday. You are a great man and an incredible father. We love you both and are praying for you always.
I thought of you two all day yesterday. I'm so sorry that father's day had to come so close to his passing. I cannot imagine how hard that must have been. You guys are uplifting and inspiring so many...even in the darkest moments.
I thought about you in particular off and on all day yesterday, Eric, because of Father's Day. I'm so sorry for the void. It's a long, painful, ugly process, to grieve for a loss so big. I know it seems awful to even want to be "okay" with it someday, and really you'll never be okay with it. You'll always miss him. But I know that Heaven is watching you both so compassionately right now, and moments of understanding will continue to come to your minds, and a peace will settle...eventually. Keep doing what you're doing, and hold onto that hope for peace.
Thinking of you, Eric. Hugs to the entire family.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate your posts. I think it's so very very important to here from a father's perspective. So many couples don't know how to navigate each other's reaction to the same experience. You are helping document your journey, and helping others.
Eric:
Time does NOT heal - Christ heals. Time will pass and the pain will lessen because of the sweet Grace Christ has blessed us with. He will bless you with this enabling power to carry on, and feel joy again. Be patient, and allow yourself to feel all the emotions associated with grief. Rely and the Savior and His atonement to help you.
I am so very sorry for your pain. I have been following your blog since Atticus was first diagnosed, and via the web I grew to love him, and your sweet family. I'm sure all your blog followers feel a loss of your perfect little boy. I know I do.
Our family thought of you many times on Father's Day. As we do every day. We love you dearly and pray for you to have peace and strength. That you will be carried on the days you need it and that you will have the love and peace when you don't expect it. Much love.
Hey Eric- Just wanted to add that I think there will always be a small void, and I think that's fine.
Breathing. Waking each morning and doing the daily tasks. Grieving. Loving. Remembering. One thing at a time is fine, expected even. There is no rush and no time limit.
The burden will get easier, but it will never be completely gone. It has and will make you stronger. And even though it may seem impossible- you can do it. I believe in you.
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