Atticus has been waiting and waiting to paint Jackson Polock... he splatters and splashes! Mrs. Cherry thought it would be fun, if Atticus was up to it, to come to school to paint with his class rather than do it at our house. Atticus was all for it and really excited. His class was even more excited. It was really sweet. As soon as the kids saw him they started jumping up and down yelling, "Atticus! Atticus! Atticus is here!" One of the little boys, Vincent said, "This is the best day ever!" It made me tear up! I am so glad that they have been so kind to my sweet Atticus. Not one of them has made a comment about his physical changes and we have their amazing parents to thank for that. Thank for explaining to your children that behind his extra weight and chubby cheeks, Atticus is still Atticus!
Getting started...
Atticus sporting a "Kapono Rock" shirt from Uncle Jason's company!
If you need rock work done, Jason is your man!
Getting more paint!!
They kids walked around and around the painting splashing and splattering. Atticus yelled, "This is the craziest day ever!"
"Ahhhh! This is SO crazy!"
I love Mrs. Cherry in this one!
Their finished product! The kids did such an incredible job splashing and splattering the paper had a hard time holding up!!
Paint got ALL over! Even on me and Chunk and we were just bystanders! A true sign of dedicated artists hard at work!
After painting the got to play on the playground. Atticus and Noah were having a serious discussion with Mrs. Tammy. Atticus informed her that he wanted to go back to Oklahoma and LOVED the hot tub.
Atticus, Vincent, Jacob K, and Noah playing superhero's. Atticus wanted to be the Hulk.
We got to stay for snack time and body rhythmic's. Then did a little coloring. The kids fought over who got to play with Atticus and who got to sit by Atticus!
Isaac was quite popular too! The kids love it when he comes to visit.
It was a really fun time! Hooray for New Worlds artist program! Hooray for Mrs. Cherry starting it all and having a love for the arts!
UPDATE ON ATTICUS....
We were supposed to start chemo last night (Wednesday April 25th) but during dinner Atticus had a vomiting episode. I just don't get it. Eric and I have prayed and prayed about what to do... chemo vs. no chemo. We have felt promptings with everthing so far. I feel like every time we are supposed to start it, something happens and we have postpone it. Maybe that's my answer...?
Anyway I spoke with the doctors and they think he may have "Post Radiation Syndrome." It's farily common and causes a lot of the symptons he's having but mainly his fatigue and vomiting. So we are going to wait another week before starting his chemotherapy.
Other than those two symptoms, He is doing really well. He is trying really hard to convince me in to letting him have a pet. Today's pet choices are: Snake, scorpion, or hissing cockroach! Why are boys so gross? And why do I have this sneaky suspicion that come Saturday I will have a new "family member?" I hate pets. Eric is absolutely no help and Im sure is secretly egging him on. BOYS!!
UPDATE ON ISAAC...
Isaac is looking like a big boy more each day! The poor guys is teething like crazy and just can't get a brake. His mouth makes you hurt. He is getting both his lower molars in and both upper fangs! He is a very sad baby. Teething was never this hard on Atticus but poor Isaac has a low grade fever, runing nose, and blisters on his gums. He has been eating a lot of "squeezies" and yogurt. OH.... He kind of drinks milk!! Finally! He is getting really good a standing but still likes to hold both my hands to walk. He is starting to say "no" at the appropriate times :( and will try to copy many things but our favorite is his attempt at "next time."
UPDATE ON ME AND ERIC...
Im not going to lie, it's been a rough few days for us. I am much more open than my hubby so I'll give him some privacy. Eric and I have found ourselves in this position before and we have been able to regroup refocuss and move forward. But good grief I cannot kick this thing. I have been down in the dumps and really struggeling the last little bit. I always have a hard time when family leaves but it was extra hard this time. For a number of reasons...
I am beyond tired. I think it you were to look up the word "exhaustion" in the dictionary, there would be a picture of me (my hubby too but Im givin him privacy and just talking about me!!). Our busy schedule has caught up with me and I am just so stinkin' tired; but for the life of me I cannot sleep. If I do, it's for short periods of time and wrestless. I toss and turn and have bad dreams. My eyes are always blood shot and Im getting bags under them. A first for me.
I feel like our "vacation" from cancer is over. For the last 6wks we have played played played and I wouldn't have wanted it an other way, but now I feel like we just wait. I know what your thinking or going to say... "try to enjoy each day!" I appreciate that, I really do, but sometimes its just dang hard. You try really really hard to push negative thoughts away but they tend to sneak up on you every once in awhile and it makes it extra hard. I don't want him to suffer. I don't want to watch him suffer. I don't want him to leave us.
Eric and I both had a really hard time seeing our family go back to Utah. We realize that no one's life is perfect. No one escapes trials and tribulations. We realize that there are many families dealing with similar tragedy's some in even worse situation than our own. But we were jealous. Jealous that they got to go home to (and Im not belitteling my families or others trials and any way) "normal" trials and we are stuck. Our brains hurt. We are constantly thinking. Do we give him the med or not give him the med? Should we call the Dr. or not call the Dr.? Was that a symptom? "Have we exposed him to too much?" "Is it ok for him to go here or there or should we stay home?" Every decision feels like a big decision.
I had an absolute emotional breakdown last night (Wednesday) and cried the ugly gasping for air cry to my husband. Then we both cried together. But I wasn't done. Decided I needed some fresh air and went for a walk. Called a friend and ugly cried some more. I went to bed around midnight completely emotionally drained. The good new? I slept like a log until 5 am!
I woke up "fragile" this morning but got better as the day went on. We had a great time painting today, my sweet friend Tori dropped off flowers, my family text me all day checking in, my friends text to check in. My husband left work early to meet me and the kids at the park, and we went out to dinner! I know that we will get through this. I know we are not alone. I know that there is a plan for my family. But I also now and am experiencing first hand true heart breaking pain and it just plain sucks (sorry for the language). Cancer is really really dumb.
What Eric and I do when we get in slumps like this is first, allow oursleves to feel the emotions, have a day or two or whatever of "poor me" then get back up. So I am officially getting back up. Im going to get back on track and look at each day as a blessing only focussing on today. Yes it's okay to get sad but it's not okay to stay that way. So until the next emotional breakdown, Im going to try to be happy each day.
12 comments:
Thank for you bearing your heart. I can in no way conceive all that you are feeling, but my heart breaks with yours. I keep rereading your post--I so badly want to help you, but feel so helpless. I'm praying for you, Eric, Atticus, and Isaac. I'm praying that you'll each be comforted, and that you'll know what decisions are best for Atticus. I'm praying that you might get rest. I know that Heavenly Father will give you strength even when it feels like you can't possibly go on any more. You are a true inspiration. You bring happiness and light into my life.
I love the pictures from preschool today. Noah kept talking about how Atticus came and he played with him and had so much fun. Whenever he talks about Atticus, he lights up and gets so excited. Your family has a special gift of bringing happiness into others' lives--you always make me, Noah, and Peter (& Steven) smile even though you're going through the hardest thing in your life. As always, we will do anything to help. I love you so incredibly much. xoxo
Cindy, you are amazing. It is ok to have bad days, heck I have days were I sob for you and your family. I have no words of advice here, but please know I love you dearly. I'm praying that you get some real rest soon and that the path for Atticus will be clear in both yours and Eric's minds.
What fun you had painting! As always, I love the look of pure joy in Atticus's face!
There is not even a word in the dictionary for the type of strong person you are! I have commented here many times and try to understand as best anyone could your pain as a mom, even thou no one could know your pain. Last night my 1 yr old daughter fell and suffered a concussion. She is going to be fine but my point is that in the hours of not knowing what was happening to her and not even knowing if she would wake i felt as if i was dying! And that was only a few hours. I can NOT imagine how you get through each and every day , being the beautiful mom that you are when your poor sweet baby is suffering with this monster. I pray as i ve never prayed as much before in my life with all my might that atticus makes a miraculous recovery and for no explainable reason he is cured!! God bless you and your special sweet family.
Cind, your amazing and you are totally allowed to break. I can't imagine all that you are doing. You and Eric are AMAZING parents. You are doing what most people can't even imagine doing and you are doing it with grace. You are inspiring so many people to be better, to pray, and to have faith. I love you all so much. I wish I could just wrap my arms around you all.
I love you, Cindy. I'm so so sorry that this is happening. You are doing an incredible job.
I read a scripture the other day and thought of it while reading your post... "And I will be your light in the wildreness; and I will prepare the way before you."
1 Nephi 17:13
A few things I thought of while reading... I ALWAYS struggle after I spend time with Leah. I am down and depressed and not myself. It takes me a few days at least to shake it. Besides my hubby, she is my best friend, it is so hard to have her so far away! I honestly have to go through Leah detox after weve been together. It makes sense that you are having a hard time after your family has left.
Also, we have had a few health problems and our kids over the years. Multiple surgeries and hospital stays... And every sinlge time I have a hard time with decisions. My head goes into overdrive and I can't make decisions... should we have visitors, what if they get us sick? Should I call the Dr again? Is that normal? While I do not understand what you are thinking and feeling, for me, when we have had a major medical thing... I can expect that I will be obsessive and in overlaod. Although it doesn't make it easier, I know it's normal and it will get better.
We are mothers, it's our job to love, worry, and care for our children. And what a wonderful job you do at it.
Oh, and really, could the painting pictures be cuter? Don't think so.
You and your family are loved prayed for and have an army behind you.
xoxoxox
Ang
Thank you so much for sharing with us thru your Blog. I am so glad that Atticus got to come to preschool, and that we all got to see and laugh and hug with him and with you and Issac! You are so sweet and loving, I pray for you all every day. I hope you can sleep and that Atticus feels good. Love, Ms. MaryRhodes, from new world
You are AMAZING! I LOVE that cute Atticus got to go to pre-school. Jake got to go to school the other day, and you would have thought it was Christmas morning! He was so excited. They deserve those fun filled "normal" days! So sorry that you have to deal with so much heart breaking pain........
Love from Jake's Grandma!
P.S.......there is a family here in Salt Lake City that has you in our thoughts and prayers!
Hi Cindy. I am a stranger to you, but I have been reading your blog for a few months and I think about you and your family a lot.
I read your blog a couple weeks ago right before bed, then read my scriptures. I read 1 Ne 17:13, and I thought it sounded so applicable to your situation. I felt like I should share it with you, but then second-guessed myself and thought, “No, who am I to give her advice?” I was very humbled today when I saw that Angie had shared the same scripture on this post. Maybe, since your brain hurts from all you do for Atticus, Heavenly Father is using some of our brains to store some messages for you :).
While I was doing dishes this evening, I was thinking about you, and another scripture came to mind again, so this time, I WILL share! It’s Alma 36:21 when Alma the Younger is telling his son, about his conversion. There are several verses before and after that are applicable too, but this one specifically came to mind: “Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.”
I can only imagine the pain you have now, and the pain you will have to face. Watching a child suffer and losing a child seems to me to be the most “exquisite” pain a mother could feel, but know that, someday (maybe not until the next life when we are perfected and all pain is gone), you will feel equal and opposite joy. I know the promise of joy doesn’t make the pain any less painful, but at least there is a purpose to the pain–it earns you joy. And don’t be too hard on yourself for letting that pain come to the surface sometimes. You are doing a wonderful job at getting as much joy as you can out of each day, but pain is a necessary part of the process.
I wish I could give you a big hug. Your family is in my prayers.
Hello Cindy,
You don't know my, but I feel like I know you as I have been reading your blog and following sweet Atticus's progress. I have felt impressed to message you for awhile, but I don't know if what I am going to say will help or hurt. I want you to know it is being written with the kindest of intentions. I am a mother of five children, all of them are or were foster children. We have cared for 30+ children in our home over the last 8 1/2 years that we have been foster parents.
I was recently diagnoised with a rare brain condition. Its not cancer, but my brain is literally shrinking. This disease will not kill me, but other side effects from the condition will. The doctors don't know how long I have, but we know at most it will be about 5 years. It has taken me some time to come to terms with what is happening in my life, but I know the reason I am being called home to our Heavenly Father is for one reason and one reason only. I am needed to help care for all the little babies and children who have already passed.
I promise you I will look out for your Atticus until you are able to be reunited with him in the millenium. I am sure there will be others as well, but just know that both of you have touched my heart and I will do whatever I can to make sure he is happy and thriving while you are unable to be there. I will give him your hugs and kisses and constantly remind him how much you love him and how much you did for him during this difficult time in his life. You have been such an amazing example to me of picking yourself up and not letting the bad keep you down. Of course you are going to have hard days, but it always seems you bounce back so quickly. I strive everyday to be more like you and try to make the best out of each day for the sake of my kids.
Cindy you and your family are loved by many, including me and my family. My seven year old loves reading your blog, and thinks Atticus is so cute. Keep smiling, your smile is amazing and makes my day when I get to see a new picture with you in it smiling.
Cry it out all you want friend, and when you need someone to cry with- give me a call. I'm sorry I am late in responding to this post! Guess I missed it!
Its all really, really terrible stuff and we're all pulling for each of you- taking a moment or fifteen is OK in my book.
xoxo & love ya tons-
Dearest Darling Cindy...I'm so sad that you feel sad. It always hurts my heart to think of the pain you must feel.
You know what I've realized...just recently? I can be both sad because my trials are hard (the whole no job, being single, wanting kids thing) and grateful for my blessings (great family, wonderful friends, full life with lots of education and experience).
Sometimes it feels like I need permission to be upset that there are difficult things to face in life, but that's not true. No one expects you to just roll over and accept how hard this is. And that doesn't make you any less wonderful. It doesn't take away your gratitude for your blessings either.
You can be both, Cindy. And if some of those days are just mostly crying and feeling bad, it doesn't diminish the other side of you.
THANK YOU for being so honest, too. It gives me strength to be honest as well.
Love you lots!
Michelle
Although I don't know you, my heart reaches for yours. I pray for your family and for comfort in what lies ahead. Faith in a plan that is bigger than us!
Post a Comment