Radiation Day 7 Wednesday Febraury 1st Tough morning. For me. Not Atticus. I try really REALLY hard to stay upbeat and positive and to try and find happiness in each day but some days, cancer gets the best of me. And I cry. My closet seems to be my "spot." I don't have to worry about being over heard. Since diagnosis, not once, not once, have I been upset or angry with Heavenly Father. Not once have I said, "why me?" But I have been VERY confused and very very sad and heartbroken. Stupid questions that I push in the back of my mind occasionally pop up... "When someone asks me how many kids I have, what do I say? One on earth and one in heaven?" But then when I say that am I required inform them of why and how? That is just one of the many, the others are too personal. Too hard to put in writing. I can see how easily you can slip in to depression if your not careful. How easy Satan could pull me down if Im not always on top of things. So there I am, in my closet, crying, on my knees asking Heavenly Father for strength, and the stupid quote, "It takes more muscles to frown than smile" popped into my head. And then the thought came to me, which made me laugh, "If I don't stop bawling, my eyes are going to have bags that touch the floor!" So... I put a cork in it. Wiped my tears and although I wasn't super chipper, I did my best to put a smile. I had to remind myself about 10 million times. But I feel like I get an "A" for effort. ANYWAY... Wednesday's radiation went fine. And Atticus has a pretty decent day. Our big activity for the day was building a fort and having a party inside... movie and popcorn. We had a good time! There ain't nothin' a bit of extra buttery popcorn and two chubby cheeked boys can't fix!
These are some of the funny things he said...
* "Boy!! I need something for my back to rub on. Like a massager!" * "Watch this mom!" (tosses his egg plate in the air) "Sometimes, Im like a pizzaria!" This was the most fun I have had a 2 am in a LONG time! Thanks for an awesome morning buddy. Your the B-E-S-T best!! Radiation went good. He is waking up from sedation faster and faster. Today he was waking up as the were wheeling his bed from the radiation room to our room. Room #6. We stayed maybe 15 minutes longer then we were out the door. Came home, stuffed his face full of food :) and have enjoyed our day! It's been a good one! He is walking really well today!! Not enought that to be totally independent but really really well. He got a little overzealous and fell, but it only dampered his spirits for a minute or two! Have I mentioned that I love this boy! For all those comments saying that Im an "amazing" mother, Im just trying to keep up with my AMAZING son. Im nothing compared to him. Love to you all!
16 comments:
Cindy--Can I just say I'm in awe of you and your amazing family. You have such great faith. You definitely get an A++++ for effort. You are an amazing mother to an amazing son. He's handling everything so well and still has his same sense of humor and happy attitude as he had before--just like you. I love that he has to be holding hands or touching you when he is sleeping at night--so precious. I'm so glad that he's walking a little bit better and able to eat a little easier. We love you so very much.
I don't personally know you, but I check your blog everyday for updates on Atticus and your sweet family. My heart breaks for you, but my soul rejoices in the trust and faith you have in Heavenly Father and His plan. You are a strength to so many you've never even met!
Love and prayers for you everyday,
Jeni
Cindy, what precious moments this trial is bringing you! You should know too that through your blogposts you are helping so, so many people! What an incredible women you are!
Keep crying - it cleanses your soul, it releases the pain. Hold on.......to your family, to Atticus, to the gospel, to your Heavenly Father. You and your little family are in my prayers.
Cindy- I'm not sure if you will even remember me. I am one of Stef's friends. We hung out together a few times before we all got married. And I have known Eric and his family since we were teeny tiny. I think me and Eric were in nursery together! :) Anyways, my heart has been breaking for you and your sweet family since I heard about Atticus. I have a boy just a few months younger than him, and to try and imagine it was my boy instead is enough to just do me in. However, I do know part of the heartache you are going through. I lost my first baby at only 9 days old. She was born premature, but healthy. After a week however, she got a virus and got very sick and life flighted to PCMC, and only lived a couple more days. I also have 3 step-daughters. I love them every bit as much as my own children. They were my world for many years. Recently, we had to make a tough decision to step out of their lives (LONG LONG story), and so in every sense of the word, it is like they have died now too. I understand all too well the hesitation that comes every time someone asks how many children I have. Because I have 6 kids!!! But then they are curious as to where the other 4 are, and it's a whole story that by the end they probably wish they never would've asked. But, in my heart, I cannot just say 2. I have to include every one of my children, because they are just that.... my children. So never feel afraid to tell people!! I am so blessed to know that I have an amazing daughter who was just too perfect to live on this earth. And what a sweet blessing we are promised to be able to raise these children in the next life, where things will be so much happier and better for us all. For now, just rely on the many many prayers and acts of service you have coming at you. They will help you through it all. You will be so grateful for this detailed journal you are keeping. That is one thing I did not do, but I wish I would have. And just know that you (and your family) are inspiring so many people out there with your strength and faith. What you are being asked to do is beyond a nightmare, but just try to remember that your reward in heaven will be beyond your biggest dream, if you are able to stay faithful through it all!!
Andrea (Snow) Seamons
Was sent to you by Team Sadie... praying for your sweet boy!
I love the fort. And the party that went with it. I love the 2 am picnic buffet. I love his big Cars blanket. I love his "HELLLOOO" upon awakening in the middle of the night. What a funny guy - that's our Atti. I love his Superman jams for a truly SUPER little man. I love his cheeks. I love Leah taking you for a drive and for being a shoulder to cry on. I love that his balance is getting better. I love you all and wish we were there with you!
Don't ever feel bad about crying Cindy. Those emotions are natural and you have EVERY right to have a good cry. Keeping it all in would be unhealthy for your body and spirit. You need that release.
Thanks for the update, like always. YOu truly are an incredible mom, Cindy!
Chris can't wait to see you guys next week! xoxo
I've cried for you Cindy. And I've cried for Atticus. I just want you to know that you aren't crying alone. I'm pretty sure lots and lots of people are shedding tears with you. It breaks my heart to think of you in your closet, but I'm certain that the Lord sees you and hears your prayers.
I am very impressed by your ability to not let Satan get to you. It is so easy to say why and succumb to depression. And I'm sure no one would blame you for it, but you don't. And that is very impressive. You're faith is helping me in ways you cannot imagine. I think to myself, if Cindy and Eric can deal with their trials, I can deal with mine.
AND...You get an A++++ to infinity, not just for effort. You are doing such a great job. Atti couldn't have a better mother.
Hi Cindy,
I just stumbled across your blog. From Oliver Palmer's- We have recently gone through what you are dealing with and I just wanted you to know you are not alone and Heavenly Father is absolutely looking out for you! The whole experience IS the most surreal thing you will ever go through- I'm sure you know what I mean when I say it is some of the highest highs and lowest lows... My heart literally hurts for you- As I read through your posts I felt such a connection to you and your situation. I know while we were in the midst of our "journey" I wasn't super excited to visit blogs of those who had ended theirs but if you are interested ours is dylandshaw.blogspot.com- I haven't updated in a while because we are a zoo! We are from Utah and I noticed you have family here... Sometimes it helps knowing there is someone who gets how you are feeling! I am totally here for any questions, screams, laughs or whatever! If you would like to contact me my email is mandy.infinity@gmail.com. I will add your sweet family to our prayer list!!! Keep up the amazing work, you will be forever changed...
Lots of love!!!!
Mandy Shaw
The question of "How many kids do you have?" is a tough one, and only you can decide how you want to answer. I struggle with it every time I'm asked. If it's on official paperwork I just put 3, but if someone is asking I usually tell them I've had 4. And yes, they will always want to know where the missing one is. After a few awkward conversations I decided to just keep it to a short 3 or 4 word explanation ("He died of:___."). I've found that people rarely press for more information; it's like as soon as you tell them your child died and why, they automatically offer you all the privacy you want beyond that.
I loved reading about the picnic. :)
“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth."
Praying for Atticus to soon throw a ball again (throwing balls is the best medicine for little boys).
I love that you put that we parked at a roller skating rink. It was pretty cool wasn't it? :)
Crying does me a lot of good. It gets things out that I need released. And as far as I'm concerned your "A+" is to the 100th power. Every. Time. I see. You. I am AMAZED!!!! I love that you are so aware of your "smiley" face and aware that you won't let Satan get you down. You have your guard on. Right down to your face mask. Love that about you!
I love that you had a picnic at 2am. I love that you are looking for ways each and every day to have fun and be creative with your family. Love every single thing that comes out of Atti's mouth. He is one funny kid.
Lots and lots of hugs and kisses.
Leah
I don't know you and I am not sure how I stumbled upon your blog but I check your blog everyday and I am so touched by your sweet family and what you are going through. My heart breaks for you and I have cried many times for you and sweet Atticus. I am so grateful that you are putting your trust in Heavenly Father and allowing him to lift you up in this trial. Your family is a great example. My 2 year old son and I have been praying for your family every night and I just hope that God continues to send tender mercies to your family.
I don't know if you remember me. I'm Ann, Bethany's friend and my parents are next door neighbors with Lance and Becky. I've been following your blog since Beth told me a few weeks ago. Anyways. I can't really tell you I know what your going through, but I know our Heavenly Father does. He too lost his son, and he loves you guys very much. You mentioned how over whelming everything is. Your not sure in a few years how you should say how many children you have. I have a friend that has 3 girls and lost her son in child birth. He would be about Addi's age. Most of us know about her son. But to the general population she just says she has 3 kids. Because he is so sacred to their family, they don't want to blast it to the world. Just keep him in their hearts. Which is what is most important. You guys are in our constant thought and prays. Thanks for the continued up dates.
I came across your blog a few weeks ago through my sister in law, Shayla Handy Shumaker. I am not sure how she knows you, but I have been following your blog.
My son, Parker, died 6.5 years ago at the age of 20 months. He went in for a same day surgery on his heart to help his aortic stenosis and his heart stopped. They got his heart going again but it had been almost an hour of just CPR. He had catostrophic brain damage as a result. He died a week later. I still miss him every day. I, like Andrea who commented, say I have 4 children, because I do. I can't just say 3. He is a part of us and a part of me. I am a better person today because of him. I have a drive to help everyone I come in contact with to have an eternal family. It drives me.
I remember a comment you made earlier that he always seemed above his years and you wondered if that was because you might not have him on the earth as long. I too felt this about Parker. Others would even comment about it. He just seemed "older" somehow.
I pray your outcome is different and that your son will be ok. In the end we try and become better no matter what. I too never was angry with God. Not ever. But I did want to know why... Which I probably will never know until after this life. But I wouldn't change the good that has come from it. I am stronger. I still cry. I still have his toothbrush in my toothbrush holder in my bathroom. I still wonder what he would be like as an 8 year old. I will always hold him in my heart until one day I get to hold him in my arms again. What a great day that will be.
I pray for you and your family. I think of you a lot.
I would love to be there for you however you need even just for ideas or if "what I am feeling is normal?" questions.
Love you,
Lindi Shumaker
lindimac@yahoo.com
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