Radiation Day 22 and 23

RADIATION DAY 22
02-27-12

Monday's are our least favorite day of the week. Atticus asked Eric and I Sunday afternoon while we were playing outside, if we had to go to the doctor the next day. Then asked if he was going to get a poke. We are always appropriately honest with Atticus, and told him yes. I tried to quickly remind him that we have magic cream so he won't feel anything but Atticus ran away crying. I ran after him telling him that we only had 2 more Monday's. Just two and that he has been so brave that he can do this. After some silly faces and reminding him about the "credit card" Auntie Jen sent him (an American Express gift card!) he was back to his happy self excited to pick out a pack of racers after treatment with his very own credit card.

Needless to say, Monday morning I woke up to a good case of anxiety. Again, I was reminded about a loving Heavenly Father, and His involvement in our life. Atticus was happy as a clam. Woke up wanted to get dressed, do a few races, and was ready to hit the road! A very much appreciated blessing.

He said the same thing he always says while being sedated... "I'm getting hard!" When treatment was done and we went back to his room he was waffle faced. Big time. Meaning his NEW mask was super super tight leaving imprints on his chubber cheakers and chin. My heart sank.

Dr. Munoz told us that Atticus had to have an oral airway again. If they have to us it again Tuesday, they will do a CT right after treatment to check his breathing. If it is compromised they will make another mask. That hopefully we won't miss anymore days of treatment. We only have 8 more!

He left to schedule the CT but came back in explaining that in Dr. Davis' opinion (anesthesiologist), the oral airway was needed because of extra phlegm. To scratch the previous plan.

I could see Eric stewing in the corner. If it was a cartoon, you would have seen angry smoke coming from him. So...

Cindy: "Eric, if we want a different plan, lets tell him now rather than go home, get even more upset, than have to leave 3 messages before they call us back."

Eric: "I am upset. It just seems like a no brainer (no pun intended). This is exactly what they told us last time, that he needed the oral airway because of extra saliva possibly do to a cold or allergies. Then ended up having to make a new one and Atticus missing 4 days of treatment."

Cindy: "Okay. Well, it's no skin of their backs. It's our child. Our money. I'll go talk to him."

So I did. And I didn't even have to get out my "mama bear" attitude/tone. Go Cindy!!

CT is scheduled for tomorrow (Tuesday) right after radiation.

 Atticus came home from treatment to find Grandma's magic bag filled with a surprise. Star Wars fingers puppets! He's a big Darth Vader fan.. go figure!

Mrs. Cherry came Monday afternoon and as always was amazing. I wasn't there (taking my sister to the airport) but Atticus practically jumped on me when I walked through the door with his excitement. He showed me everything they did and we sat down to do his letter homework. He LOVES his letter homework. I know I say this every time but I can't end a post about Mrs. Cherry without shouting to the Internet/blogging world how amazing she is. How she is the BEST teacher in the entire world. WE LOVE YOU Mrs. Cherry!!

 

RADIATION DAY 23... NOT... AGAIN... No I'm not kidding.
02-28-12

 It's 8:10am I'm finishing my hair and get a call from Dana (this first radiation nurse we had that we LOVED). There was a construction accident. AT&T cut the hospitals 3 main Internet lines. Radiation goes through the Internet (I don't really get how but whatever). So we were supposed to "hang tight, stay home and comfortable until they figure things out." Yeah right? May I remind you that this kid hasn't eaten since 6:30pm LAST NIGHT. How long are we supposed to hang tight for?

Distraction is a beautiful thing. There is pretty much nothing that a good wiggle bike ride can't cure :). We went outside and played. He ran around like a crazy man. Rode his wiggle bike like a crazy man and had a great time. I called the hospital at 9:30am to get an update and was told no treatment. Plan on Wednesday. I realize it's not the hospitals fault but was still pretty bugged. Do they not know that I have told my 4 year old, who has an impeccable memory, that he only has ONE more Monday now? This day missed is tacked on to the end, March 9th. A Friday. If we miss one more day we would be into another week. Another poke. Don't make me a liar Medical City...

 Atticus asked me about 20 times why we weren't getting the "white stuff." It gives him good dreams so he's a fan of it. I personally feel like that's another blessing from Heavenly Father. Any little thing that makes this process easier. I told him the machine wasn't working today but we were going tomorrow. BUT we still get to see the Oncology doctors.

Our appointment was at 11am. We saw Dr. Goldman. He majored in "Superhero" and minored in Hematology/Oncology!! JK.  Atticus always gets the best superhero information when we see Dr. Goldman. He loves it and so do I. Dr. Goldman was SO IMPRESSED with how well Atticus is doing. His right eye can move 3/4 of the way now! YAHOO! He can jump, run, skip, climb. Atticus, aside from the steroid appearance, is pretty much back to Atticus. It was so fun to see the doctor so excited! 8 more days of radiation. Eight.

In all honesty, it's a double edge sword for Eric and I. Good: hooray we made it through radiation. Bad: We're done with radiation. Our best shot is done. I had some specific questions for Dr. G regarding our post radiation plan. Knowing me it would bring tears so I had Marianne (one of the Onc. nurses who was in our old ward/church location, and a strength and friend to us) take Atticus to the play room. Not to get in to details, its too hard, I had a complete and total meltdown right there in front of Dr. Goldman. Sweet Amanda, another Onc. nurse came in and gave me to offer a tissue and hand (Eric was at work). I LOVE our cancer team.

Sometimes the reality is too much. Too hard. Too painful. I don't want to do it. I don't want to loose my son. But I guess no one in this situation does. Sometimes I can forget our reality, a coping mechanism I suppose. But every once in awhile it sneaks up on me and I get so overwhelmed and so upset I can't breath. I have so many fears. One hard thing for me is that I'm a planner. There is no plan. We seriously cannot plan anything because we don't know. We don't know if the tumor will stay at bay for 2 weeks, 6 months, or two years. We can't plan on the Chemo stopping it. Everything we do is on a day to day basis. How he's feeling. How his symptoms are. How he's responding. How much time we get. I want to scream. I seriously want to have a two year old tantrum. And kick and hit until I get my way. But that's not reality. Sure I can cry and scream but I have two beautiful kids. I have an amazing husband. I have to carry on. Yes allow myself these emotions, which I know are good and natural, but I have to embrace each day the best I can. And most days I do and can, for at least part of the day. But today I couldn't. Right at that moment. I wanted a different life. I wanted a different diagnosis. One with AT LEAST ONE survival rate. I wanted a redo button. I left driving home depressed and fighting back tears. Don't get me wrong I am SOOOOO proud of Atticus and SOOOOO happy he is doing well. I just want him to do well for the next 70 years. With me.

A tender mercy happened that afternoon. My sweet husband, who I love with all my heart, had a rough day yesterday and we never got a chance to talk. It seems like we very rarely do anymore. The days are so busy and the nights, well one of us has to sleep in Atticus's room. We need to figure that out... ANYWAY. My sweet husband and I had the opportunity to actually talk. Both kids were sleeping and we actually had the energy to talk. To cry. To hold each other and be reminded of why we can do this. We can do this because we have each other. We have a loving Heavenly Father who, along with all the prayers of family and friends, is giving us strength and carrying us every step of the way. Even when we don't see it. It is amazing how much better we felt. Talking it through. Yes we are going to have our down days. And that's okay. It's normal and good. All these emotions we feel are.  BUT, finding happiness is essential we have haven't been doing that great at it the last little bit. So we talked it out re motivated ourselves and got pumped for the adventures we have to look forward to. We cannot change the outcome. We cannot change the fact that we don't know how much time we will be blessed with. So we need to stop waiting for the end but living it. We have decided to make a "Hansen family Adventure List" aka Bucket list. We are going to make a list of all the fun and exciting things we want to do in the precious time we have. We want to rent an ice cream truck for an afternoon, take a limo to McDonalds, camp in our backyard, ride a train somewhere exciting... just to name a few. Life is about attitude and dang it we are going to give it all we got. We are really really REALLY going to try and keep a good attitude. We have a special child, given a special mission. Who wants to waste precious time? Not us!! Today we choose happiness. Today we choose hope. Today and as many days as we possibly can, we choose to find joy in our journey and start working on our "Adventure" list.

If you made it to this point, thanks for reading. I know it was a lot. You are all witness to exactly how I feel. I'm not sure weather to say thanks, sorry or both... I'll go with both. xoxo.

 Playing outside..

 

I love my boys. I really really do.

 

Play date with Noah... I'm pretty sure that every time the Q's come to visit they feel bombarded :). The second they walk in the door, Atticus starts playing and "Noah over here" "Noah look at this." And I start chattin Joceyln's ear off. Thanks for putting up with us guys. xoxo