Atticus Hansen Week

So much happens in May: Brain Tumor Awareness Month, Mother's Day, Atticus Week, and of course the day. I get anxiety as May approaches, not wanting "the date" to come. Then once May is here, I want "the date" to pass as quickly as possible. It's so hard to push back the memories you try so hard not to think of. It's exhausting and emotional.

*****

Hard to believe it was two years ago when an entire week was dedicated to Atticus. Hard to believe and so heartbreaking. Last year I had planned an "Atticus Activity" to do each day, this year I couldn't even think about it without wanting to kill over so I ignored and ignored and ignored...

Tuesday May 20th

The day started off normal. Jene came over to stay with Isabel so I could run a few errands, and i took Isaac to school. Got to Lowe's to make a return, when those thoughts and memories I try so hard not think about, started creeping in. So what did I do? I ignored them and pushed them back thinking to myself, "Im not going to go there." After the return I headed to Walmart. I was at a stop light and those thoughts and memories came back. Ignore them, I said. Push them back, I said. The light turned green. I was approaching another light; go straight to get to Walmart or turn left to go home. And it began. The lump in my throat would not budge. There would be no more ignoring today. It was coming. I turned left to go home. By the time I pulled in to the garage I was hysterical and hyperventilation. My hands and lips were locked. I got inside grabbed the Tylenol PM (the thought in my obviously very unclear head was... if I just take a few, I can sleep through this week of hell), went in to my closet and cried on the floor. Called Eric at work, no answer. Then I called for Jene, she was upstairs with Isabel. Jene came in to my bedroom and all hell broke loose, that complete and total physco meltdown I had in December 2012, came again. My fists were clenched as I was screaming, "I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!!!" Over and over and over. Jene, holding me, kept telling me to breath. Somehow in between there I called Eric again and he was heading home. Once I finally calmed down I just layed on the floor with slow sad tears as Jene rubbed my back and held my hand. She's a pretty incredible person.  Eric got home, layed on the floor next to me gave me a kiss, then we cried together. It sucks.

So Atticus' week was off to a good start. Ugh. Once I had regrouped, I calmly :) cried to Jene that I felt so guilty that I had not planned activities for each day this year, but it is so hard. I just want it to pass as quickly as possible. Here is where my AMAZING friends stepped in....

Later that day, Jene, came knocking on our door with orange and blue balloons in hand. She had put them all over our community and took some to the cemetery. She told me that "Atticus Week" was being taken care of. That each day someone who loves us will be dropping something by. Do I not have the BEST friends in the entire world? I do.

Atticus- you are one loved and missed kiddo.

My mom wore orange and/or blue every day to work this week.

Wednesday May 21st

I noticed that morning that my Atticus Wristband was starting to get a tear in it. I didn't want to take it off (It's my original one, I've worn it almost every day for TWO YEARS), but I didn't want to risk it falling off and getting lost. So I started to carefully take it off when it snapped. I got teary eyed. Crazy how attached you get to the simplest things. Isaac however cried, "Oh Mooooom. Your brad-e-let!!" I hurried and wiped both our tears then told Isaac not to worry that I had more.

Atticus Week Delivery #2

Thursday May 22nd

Atticus Week Delivery #3

After my wristband broke (I always wear two, I started with the original, then one day saw one lying around, and put it on, and for the last 1.5 years have worn two non-stop), Isaac wanted two on also. He talks about Atticus all the time. When he talks about going on adventures or vacations he always includes Atticus. 

Isaac was/is my Angel that kept me from doing something stupid after Atticus left. He kept me going. Kept me moving. Bless his sweet heart for putting up with a virtually  nonexistent zombie mother for so long. He is my reminder of his big brother and the crazy wild fun that boys bring. He provides me with MUCH needed laughter.

Friday May 23rd

Isabel is my Angel that time and time again, motivates me to wipe my tears, and no matter how low I am feeling, manages to get a smile on my face. After my Tuesday meltdown, I look up from crying and saw the sweet smile that only this girl has. I love this little sweet pea. Atticus sure new what he was doing, sending his sister when he did, even if I doubted it and thought I was NUTS for getting pregnant so soon.

Remember when I mentioned Isaac providing me with much needed comic relief? Here is a perfect example! Who doesn't like a little peek-a-boo on the pot?! His smile is SO contagious. 

Atticus Week Delivery #4

Saturday May 24th

These INCREDIBLE flowers came from a "Stranger Now Friend!" Aren't they so cool. I have never seen anything like them. I just know Atticus would have flipped out over them!

Thank you, Alyson Z. If you're reading this, send me your address please!!

Pretty flowers from Grandma and Pop-Pop!

Atticus Week Delivery #5

I forgot to mention what an amazing husband I have, I was emotional that no one was flying out to be with us during Atticus Week.  Life goes on. And due to exciting changes in our family: babies to be born very soon, kids in school, graduations, weddings to be planned,  I was being selfish and feeling insecure that we had been forgotten, even though  I know we haven't been. So what does my sweet husband do... flies my sister Stacie out to spend Saturday through Tuesday with us! She got in around 10am Saturday.

Eric is one of the best men I have ever and will ever know. He is SO good to me. He is tender, loving, funny, hard working, motivating, and the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you honey.

Isaac showing off his new "basketball outfit" from Grandma Lori. He wore it two days in a row and was NOT happy when I told him I had to wash it before he could wear it again!

Stacie and I sound so much alike so our babies always look at us with this confused look like, "Wait a second, you sound like my mommy and kinda look like my mommy, but you're not my mommy!" It's pretty funny!

We took this picture to shows Stacie's boys.

It was yummy.

We chowed down on crab and crawfish, while Isabel enjoyed lobster!

After dinner we played with a few "friends." They didn't like us nearly as much as we liked them. 

Matt was cracking us up. Notice how Isaacs using Matt as a shield, keeping his distance!

GIRLS NIGHT! We saw 'The Other Woman." Hilarious. We were laughing so hard.

I have the best sisters in the entire world. I love them so much.

Sunday May 25th

Sunday best! I told Stacie that she was under no obligation to come to church with us, but Isaac was not about to let her get out of it, and begged her to come!

Isabel could totally be Stacie's daughter!

Atticus Week Delivery #6

Monday May 26th

Memorial Day. We decided to ignore our life and treat Memorial Day like regular people. So after I shed a few tears, we got busy and did lots of yard work. 

Every morning Stacie would drink her coffee and Isaac would drink his hot steamer. He was so excited about it. Although he kept calling it tea!

That afternoon Stacie stayed home with Isabel so Eric and I could take Isaac to the LEGO movie!

Atticus Week Delivery #7

Tuesday May 27th

I woke up very detached from my emotions. But they didn't take too long to catch up to me. It's such a surreal day. You can't help but look at the clock and think back to two years ago. The last time he woke up in the morning. The last time I played with him. Talked with him. Got him his "Baby Milk," We were giving him whole milk since he stopped eating and that's what he called it. The last time I heard him talk. The last time I saw his beautiful blue eyes. The moment when I turned to Eric and said, "It's happening." The moment I felt it take over his body. The moment he left us. It's unnatural. And the most horrible thing that a parent could ever go through.

Isaac woke up at 3am  with a fever so we kept him home from school. He woke up feeling better in the morning so we headed to the Donut shop.

Isaac wanted one of everything. 

Atti's favorite: Pink donut and chocolate milk. 

After donuts we went to the cemetery. Eric and I cleaned off his monument put out flowers and pinwheels then held each other and cried. 

Watching Isaac play with one of the "racers" made me smile. Atticus would want that.

I know this sounds "poor me" but it is so hard and sad knowing that I will never have a picture of my three kids. Sometimes I feel like I don't even have three, because I've never had them all together. I think about it all the time. When Im reading stories, Isaacs on my lap and Isabel is laying next to us. Or when leaving Target, Isabel in the front pack, Isaac hanging/riding on the cart, and think, where would Atticus be. What would he be doing? What sassy/funny thing would he be saying or doing?

Once home from the cemetery, Isabel went down for a nap and Stacie took Isaac to Target. Eric and I crawled into bed, pulled out the laptop and looked at pictures and sobbed. We watched videos and sobbed even harder. I cried myself to sleep.

When I woke up we went to Bahama Bucks, another Atticus favorite.  One our favorite videos is while eating a Bahama Buck. It was just me and the boys (during his battle). It was too cold for Atticus inside so we ate our yummy treat in the car. I let him sit shot-gun. He had his feet on the dashboard, tappin' his light-up Sketchers Auntie Jenny bought him, to Lightning McQueen. I remember looking over at him, his sweet chubby cheeks, dipping his umbrella in the slushy and licking it off, and thinking, I wish it could stay like this forever. Him happy. Feeling good.

Guess what bloomed this year? Orange Atticus flowers.  In May 2012, We had our very last family pictures taken on the Larsen's property. Shortly after Atticus left us, these orange flowers bloomed. Here's what makes it so special, Bishop (now President) Larsen, had never had seen these flowers bloom before and they ONLY bloomed where we walked around for the pictures.

I haven't seen them since 2012. I looked up toward Heaven and blew my baby a kiss.

When we got home, I crawled back in bed and cried myself to sleep again. Then it was dinner and bedtime. 2 years down. 60 to go.

*****

We were given so much love and support throughout the entire week but especially today. Phone calls. Texts. Emails. Fun packages. Flower deliveries...We are constantly being amazed by the selfless hearts of so many. It makes us want to be better. To think of others and serve more.

Hot Wheels bouquet from my mom Jenny and Stacie

Flowers from Matt and Jenny

Flowers from sweet Tiff.

Parker and Emmi sportin' their Atticus shirts in Disneyland. 

My new baby niece Livvy-Girl sportin' her orange and blue outfit and wristband.

Jenny put her Atticus keepsakes up.

PopPop and Grandma Hansen's Atticus flowers.

Elaine made this darling blue and orange owl!

Sweet Sarah R., (whose son is in remission!!!!!) sent two boxes of Sees. Gold for pediatric cancer. Grey for Brain Tumor awareness.

Pics from two different balloon releases.

Leah's family took balloons to the cemetery that evening and this orange and blue sunset was what accompanied them home!

..Our sweet Atticus..

He loved to feed him Shamu.

He loved bath time. He had 3 Thomas squirt trains and would put them "Night-Night" by putting a wash cloth over them. I remember clear as day, when Atticus first learned to say "Duck." It was in this very bathtub. 

"Snakey-Boy" We went to the Aquiriam and this was the souvenir he picked out. He LOOOVED Snakey-Boy and would always say, "I'll wrap you in my coils!"

His hair cracks me up. It always dried crazy.

"Charlie" his crib buddy. He slept with it every night. I keep charlie in my drawer hoping Atticus' smell will stay forever.

I love his squishy face. This was after Eric's graduation. Oh! I just want to kiss him.

His love for garbage trucks was hilarious. Every friday we would walk down the ally following the Sanitation Crew then walking home we would put the lids back on. 

His wild hair. Such a peanut. 

Im not sure why, but the dryer was a very popular spot for him!

I love his sweet little face.

He was kind of a scaredy cat and any time something remotely scary came on, he would run to the kitchen and shut himself in the pantry, asking me if the scary part was over!

I miss that happy face!

And this cute face too!

I just want to kiss those lips. 

Washing his cars. I love how you can see a touch of dirt on his cheek and head. Such a boy.

Oh, the many "bicycle" treasure hunts we went on. 

Atticus Isaac and I spent many Saturday mornings eating donuts and playing at the park!

He loved the oreo creme. Just like his momma.

He always loved a good art project...

and the Arboretum.

This boy...

September 2011

January 2013. Crazy that there is only a 4 month time difference between this picture and the one above. This is a tender picture for us. You can see in his eyes how sweet he is. How quickly cancer changes it's victims. But most importantly, this picture shows how gracefully he handled it all. 

As terrible as cancer is, I  miss it. I spent every waking hour focussed on Atticus. How I can help him. How can I make him more comfortable. How can I make him happy. How can I help the medication administration go smoother. How can I help him feel more comfortable at the hospital or at home. For 4.5 months the world revolved around Atticus. As it should have. And although at times I doubt myself, and worry about whether I did enough, or if I handled things the right way, I know I did my very best. And I miss it...

I miss taking care of him. I miss sleeping with him at night listening to him breath. I miss his smooth soft skin. I miss putting a cold rag on his hurting head. Rubbing his tummy when it hurt him. I miss holding his hands that eventually no longer fully extended. Even though it broke my heart to see his legs loose muscle and strength, I miss seeing them. I miss the way his breath smelled. They way he would kind of keep his tongue out, I think because of the facial droop. I miss those sweet eyes. I miss him. Everything about him.

May 2013 

(5 days before he left us- we had no idea it would happen so soon)

A short 8 months after that first picture, yet he had hanged so much. He was always a smart boy, but became wise. He was always a loving boy, but loved more. He never complained. Never questioned. Just did what he had to do with the most amazing attitude.

Oh sweet boy. I am so sorry. Such empty words. But I am. I am so sorry this happened. Im so sorry you hurt. That I couldn't take it away. I would have done anything to take it away from you. I am so proud of you. So proud of the brave boy you are. I could not be prouder. It is an honor to be your mom. Truly sweet boy. I am so SO proud of you. 

Atticus at his finest. We had just gotten to Port Aransas in the wee hours of the morning only to leave maybe 6 hours later. His head was hurting and he was vomiting. I was a worried mess, trying to get us repacked while cleaning up, medicating, and comforting, when this boy, this amazingly brave boy, whips out the crazy awesome faces, getting us all to laugh. This picture (the above) it one of my favorite faces he would make. He would make this face, then open and close his mouth like a fish (hard to explain but I can picture it perfectly in my head). He knew I loved it and would do it for me and then I would kiss his chubby lips a million times.

No one should have to loose a child. 

It is so easy for your mind to fill up with hard terrible heartbreaking memories. For your mind to only show you sad pictures of your child. Remembering the good times during cancer is very hard for me. It has been and continues to be one of my biggest struggles. I know he had happy times, but the times he hurt always overpowers them. I have been trying very hard to "Give my heartache and pain to the Savior." He died for us bearing all the pain in the world. Grieving being one of those pains. Yes it hurts. It hurst like nothing I have ever experienced. Words don't measure up. But I am trying.  I'm trying to let go of all the 'why's?' Why him? Why this type of cancer? Why so fast? Why couldn't it have been me? Why do we have to spend the rest of our lives grieving him rather than watching him grow? I am trying my hardest to focus on what I know. I know he is happy. I know he is healthy and pain free. I know he is with Heavenly Father. I know we are an eternal family. I know I will always be his mommy.  I know I will see him again. Hold him again. Raise him again. He is and always will be my son. My introduction to motherhood and the intense love it brings. I know he will always be mine. I know that there are and were angels protecting you.

Atticus, mommy loves you so much. I miss you. So much it's hard to breath. Living without you is so hard it often times seem impossible. Knowing your watching over me keeps out of trouble, because sweet boy, I am counting down the days till I get to see you again. I can.. not.. wait. There is a spot in my heart that is throbbing to hold you again. I love you. 

I love you. I love you. I love you. xoxoxo