Up to date:

I remember telling Dr. Asay, my grievance therapist, when I was 7 weeks away from my due date that he had 7 weeks to work his magic and "cure" me. Obviously I was joking, but I wish I wasn't.

I'm a whirlwind of emotions so feel free to scroll down and look at the pictures!

I love Isabel. More than I thought I would. I was scared I would resent her when I was having hard "Atticus" days.  Thankfully every time I hold that sweet baby my heart melts again and again.

I knew that having a baby would bring a lot of emotions,  and I thought I was prepared for that. What I was not prepared for however, was the intensity of my Atticus emotions. I was not prepared for the 1am.. 3am.. or 4am nursing's when your so tired you can barely keep yours eyes open and you just want to cry and sleep for more than two hours at a time. And your mind wonders like crazy. I wasn't prepared for missing Atticus to the point of digressing  in the progress I had made. I didn't think I would cry so many quiet tears. 

Isaac's adjustment has been what I thought it would be. Happy and chill in the beginning. Then realizing she is staying and... "hey! wait a second, she's taking away my attention, I better throw a tantrum." He acted out more than usual towards friends, was super sassy and spent a good amount of time in "T.O." (time out) for not listening and  being a stinker. It's what I expected but that doesn't make it easy. I remember Atticus having a hard time  and thinking to myself, "Where did my sweet Atticus go?" When you are pregnant for the 2nd time you wonder how it's possible to love the 2nd child as much as the first. Then the transition hits and your like, "What the heck? I want to snuggle this sweet new adorable baby all day long and send my shoe throwing, back-talking toddler to China!" So what I'm saying :) is that I knew Isaac would have an adjustment period, but I sometimes wonder how different the adjustment  would be if Atticus was here. How much different would Isaac be? Or would he be different?  That kinda sounds like I'm being a downer about Isaac. I LOVE that boy. So much. He has definitely been through a lot. Put up with a lot. And was so so SO patient with my when I mentally checked out for a good 6-9 month then slowly, kinda came back 6 months later. He was the best baby you could hope for in a trial like ours. It's just that at times (especially when he's a stinker) I find myself thinking, "You need your big brother to pounce on you and get you to snap out of it... You need your big brother to battle with. Run with. Eat lunch with. Play outside with. You need Atticus to snuggle-buggle with." I  wonder what it would be like. What they would be like together.

It's a bitter sweet. Having Isabel look so much like Atticus. Her smile is exactly his. Exactly.  I'm sure he would be quite protective like he was with Isaac. 

The tears during the early morning feedings have slowed but in its place, some yucky depression. I'm going on my third week of waking up every morning with a pit in my stomach, wanting to curl up in a ball and pull the covers over my head and check out. I remember right after Atticus passed away Eric and I would wake up in the morning and have a half of a half a second where we forgot, then bam, it hit us like a ton of bricks. Like walking into a steam room where you can't  get a full breath. The air heavy and thick. And that's how I feel again. THANKFULLY as soon as my feet hit the floor and I nurse Isabel, get Isaac breakfast, and start our day it gets better and  the sadness lessons if not goes away. I've gotten in to some terrible habits. Between being pregnant (aka: fat and swoooollen) and grieving then being postpartum and grieving I have packed on the pounds. Big time.  I was... was a little old 8 pounds away from pre-pregnancy weight just weeks after Isabel was born, but as the "Atticus" sadness has intensified and the sleep deprivation as sunk in, I eat. And I mean EAT. It's my cure all. Over a weekend I ate  an entire bag of Halloween Babe Ruth candy bars. No I'm not kidding. And in case you were wondering, when you eat like that, you gain weight. Like a good 5 pounds. I weigh more now than I ever have (not pregnant of course). Why is that food solves life's biggest problems? Every day I think, "I'm going to do it. Today, I'm going to start eating healthy." Then life hits me, and the junk food is music to my ears. 

I have got to break the cycle. I'm sure I'm a sight to be seen, crying while shoving my face full of food!!

On a better note, I'm getting back on the spiritual track. My anger and frustrations towards Heavenly Father are softening. I actually want to go to church, rather then go wishing I was home. It makes such a difference. It's what I believe and when I open my heart to the spirit, it makes a difference. I felt the spirit a few Sunday's ago for the first time in a long time while at church and it felt good. It reminded me how much I love the gospel. How safe it makes me feel. How lost I am with out a firm foundation. I have a long ways to go but I am so very very grateful that I at least want to make the spiritual journey again. I'm grateful for Sunday School and Relief Society teachers who put time and effort in to their lessons and share their testimony's. It also helps knowing my Atticus is watching me so I better not mess up. One particular Sunday I was having a hard time and thought, "what the heck? Send the boys to church and  go shopping." As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we believe in keeping that Sabbath day holy by not going places that cause other people to work, so shopping doesn't really coincide with that. That Sunday, I was tempted to just say, "to heck with it" when I got a pang in my heart and thought, "What the are you thinking? Atticus would be so disappointed in you. Get your stupid church clothes on and get out the door." So that's what I did. So even when he's not here he's being bossy and keeping me in check!! 

 There is a lot I don't know. A lot that I wonder about, but as Elder Holland said, "What you KNOW will always trump what you don't know!" I cling to that when I feel my heart hardening. And it has and is making a difference. There is a lot I worry about. A lot my heart hurts over but what I KNOW is this, I am Atticus' mother. We are an eternal family. I will get to raise him again. That I am promised. That I know to be true and that is what I am fighting for. I was talking to a friend the other day who's friend lost a son due to a car accident. This mother who lost her son said, "I don't doubt my faith, I just MISS HIM." That statement had a huge impact on me. When I have hard Atticus days I tend to turn it into a "faith" issue. It's the snowball effect and I start "grabbing" all sorts of things to cry over, the gospel being a big one. But deep down, that's not the case and this mother worded it perfectly. I don't doubt my faith. I just MISS HIM. I miss talking to him. I miss everything with him. 

I hate that as time passes you forget. You forget exactly what he would have said or how he would have said it, but you don't dare watch a video of him because it breaks your heart and reopens the wound that isn't anywhere near being healed. He's been gone for almost a year and a half. There is no way. There is no way that that much time could have passed. No way we can still be standing here living. No way could that much time have passed; but when I think of how long it's been since I have interacted with him, it seems like it has been an eternity of time. 

I still can't believe that our life took this drastic turn. Some trials make you grateful. The trial has passed and you are grateful for the lesson you have learned. I don't think I will ever be grateful for this trial but I am however grateful for the many amazing people I have come in contact with. I am grateful for family and friends who still stand beside us ready to lift us up when our feet stumble. I am grateful for an amazing husband who time and time again, wipes my tears and gets me to laugh. I am grateful for 3 beautiful children. I am grateful for the special guardian angel two of them will have. I am grateful that although hard days still come, I am here.  I am grateful that although my testimony has wavered, I have not turned my back on God. I am grateful for the progress I have made and will continue to make.  I am grateful for our amazing family, friends, and strangers that are now friends.  

If you read this... YOU are a good person:) And despite all the above crap :), clearly we are surviving and having plenty of  good days too......

October 22nd

I made German Pancakes for breakfast. Fixed Isaac his plate and left him to eat while I nursed Isabel. I came back to this.... He was "making his very own German pancakes!" Powdered sugar was everywhere. He was so proud of himself I couldn't get mad. But we did have a talk about asking mommy first before "making" his own breakfast!

 Friday October 25th

He took out blankets and his "treasures" and hid in his fort for a good 30 minutes!

Cuddle time... Isaac was all for it. Isabel... not so much! P.S. Those shorts that he is wearing are his absolute favorite. He calls them his "cool" shorts and wants to wear them every day despite the weather. I make him wear pants to school when necessary but the second he gets in the door, he is asking for his "cool" shorts.

Friday night was 
"Trunk-or-Treat"

Our church does an annual chili cook off and trunk-or-treat. The kids get to walk across the stage and introduce themselves and their costumes. Isaac was more interested in playing with the basketball then anything else!

"I'm Isaac! I'm a knight!"

The cutest little witch!  Thank you Karyn for the darling outfit.

Saturday October 26th 

She woke up with some crazy hair!

That afternoon was the Zollinger Family Halloween Party. We all had a great time. The Decorations were awesome. Food was yummy. The kids got their faces painted and carved pumpkins!

Sunday October 27th

Isabel's first time at church and she looked pretty darn cute if I do say so myself!!

We had some friends over for dinner that night and the boys decided to take the fun outside! Boys will be boys.... meaning, boys will get DIRTY!

 October 28th

I was a little embarrassed when we went for a Dr. visit.(Isabel had a clogged tear duct) and Dr. Straughn asked me, "How does she do with tummy time?" My response, "Uhhhh, why don't we find out together!" Turns out, she super strong and l is a pro ! Tell me you don't want to eat her cheeks?!

Isaac's got some pretty sweet tricks up his sleeve too!

October 29th

5 wks old... She's starting to smile and attempting to coo!!

  

October 30th 

Just cause she's so stinkin' cute!

...HAPPY HALLOWEEN...

A SPOOKY Halloween breakfast.

I went upstairs to get Isaac and told him, Happy Halloween! He said, very matter of fact, "Thanks!"

Chocolate face....

...cause he only eats the frosting!

Little Miss Izzy-Bizzy is 6 wks old...

She didn't quite enjoy her morning Halloween photo shoot!

Locke Lord Halloween Party

Eric's firm does a lunch and trick-or-treating for the families! Isaac decided to be Buzz Lightyear instead of Mike the Knight! But he of course ditched the Buzz Wings two seconds after we put them on!

Isabel as usual, slept through the whole thing!

I promise Isaac had fun! During the lunch he played with Kay, one of the firm secretaries and an amazing person! He kept her busy busy!!

He loved all the blowup Halloween decorations!

Snoozin' Suzan!

Isaac feel asleep in the car just minutes after we left so when we got home, I put  him in his bed and Isabel had a photo shoot! Girls are so fun!!

I really like her ;)

Like really really!

Halloween Night...

May I introduce, Mike the Knight!!

And he's ready to battle....

And he's ready to battle!

"Shield. Slice. Slice!" I absolutely LOVE watching him say this because he scrunches up his nose in the most adorable way!

The Trick-or-Treating crew... at least for a little while. A few of us were a little slower!

His ride!

Proof I exist... 

Checking out his loot!

Happy Halloween sweet Atticus. We missed you buddy. Mommy spilled of few tears in the morning then tried really hard to be strong and brave... We love you.

Halloween 2008

 Halloween 2009

Halloween 2010

Halloween 2011

 November 1st

Seriously.... She is the cutest thing!!

 Matching bow and socks, compliments of Grandma Lori!!

November 2nd

New Worlds "Fall Festival." Isaac says "Fall Festibol!' I love him.

He chose a "spooky fish" tattoo. And the tattoo artist was none other than Julianna Crownover (who painted Isabel's tree and the chalk pastel of Atticus playing baseball)!

His favorite favorite part was riding the horse . We named him "White Stallion." Isaac was so excited. After his turn he asked if he could see White Stallions face, so I showed him. He said, "Wow! That's a big face!" I laughed so hard.

Date Night...

We got a sitter for Isaac and went with a few other couples to Top Golf for a fund date night. Isabel was so so good.

She is such a good baby. We just love her. 

November 3rd 

Pretty for church!! I left Sunday School a bit early to nurse Isabel before Relief Society (class for woman 18 and up) well... I attempted to go in 4, FOUR times, and each time, right before I entered the classroom, she had a blow out! Like huge. Little stinker... no pun intended!!

Isaac was my sous chef and helped me make biscuits for dinner. He told me he, "needed the iPad to read what the recipe says... 'quarter cup seventy!'"

I love his sweet chubby floured cheeks!

He patted the dough and used the cookie cutter to make his very own and they were delicious!

   

November 4th

Making his Thanksgiving Turkey hand/foot print.

Then decided to paint himself! Sometime I think I may be a bit to relaxed on things but then I think, what the heck, the paints already out why not let him go at it.

November 5th

Smiley girl....

November 7th

She woke up super smiley and happy!

 I didn't think I would love having a girl as much as I do. But I do!! Isaac is still in love with her and wants to hold her all the time and sings her "happy song" when she cries. It's so cute to hear him talk to her in "baby talk." She is starting to smile and coo a little which is so much fun. She is consistently sleeping 4 hour stretches at night and sometimes 5. She has turned out to be such a good baby.

Teddy Bear day at school!

 The boys were very excited about it!

I love that their backpacks are bigger than them!

Hangin' with the Fish girls at none other than Costco!

One of the other girls asked if they could play with this stuff and Audrey (white shirt) said, "If this stuff is free.... knock yourself out!"

Julia, the youngest of the Fish girls, 4 years old, said the prayer for dinner and said, "... And please bless Heavenly Father that he will have a fun time with Atticus!" So sweet. 

November 8th

Visiting Auntie Leah at the hospital. Leah and I have known each other since 2007. Our husbands went to law school together. We say we are "Texas sisters." She is the most incredible person. She has  rock solid testimony is a great mom and wife and the craftiest thing you ever saw. Zeb and Leah have 4 beautiful girls and are expecting baby number 5... a BOY! Caleb, is being a little bit of a stinker and has put his momma on bed rest at the hospital fighting off contractions and drinking water like a fish to keep his amniotic fluid up. PLEASE keep them in your prayers. To keep up to date with them click HERE.

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Newborns Photo Shoot.... Bostonian Photography

-- September 29th --

Love.. Love.. LOVE!

Pretty blue eyes!

Caught her sucking her thumb!

 I.. Love.. Her..

Thank you Channing! You are amazing.