Christmas 2012
Well, we made it. We made through our first Christmas. Isaac is truly an angel on earth and brings us so much happiness.
Lights at Temple Square...
So pretty and soo cold.
Isaac really liked the Nativity scenes. We were talking about baby Jesus.
Christmas Sunday...
Isaac really liked the snow!
My dads Christmas party...
Isaac wasn't so sure about Santa, until Santa said he had a treat!
I have decided that I'm really good at faking it. You'd look at this picture and think.. They holding up really well. Well... fooled you. Right after this I went in the laundry room and cried.
Hansen Christmas Eve party...
We love the Hansen Christmas Eve party. Yummy food. Lots of family. Spiritual message and the candy bar game. Its a BIG deal! The spiritual part of the night was tender. We each held a candle and as we each read a verse from Luke ch. 2 (the Saviors birth) we lit the person's candle next to us. My scripture was a tender one, speaking of the birth of Mary's first born son. I had to breath deep and attempt it a few times before I could get it out. I was doing ok until the candle got to Parker, our 5-6 yr old nephew. I could see how excited he was to have his candle lit... and then I needed to step out. It was too hard for me. I knew Atticus would have loved that. He would have felt like such a big boy.
This year just wasn't the same. No ones fault. Just circumstantial. I didn't have fun like I usually do. I didn't want to chat with the family. Didn't want to participate. Just wanted to get it over with. Eric and Isaac however had a good time and that made me happy!
This year just wasn't the same. No ones fault. Just circumstantial. I didn't have fun like I usually do. I didn't want to chat with the family. Didn't want to participate. Just wanted to get it over with. Eric and Isaac however had a good time and that made me happy!
Isaac loved this little nativity scene. He said, "Ohhh cute. Teeny tiny baby Jesus."
The much anticipated candy bar game!
Chompin on a twizzler rope!
Christmas Eve jammies!
Christmas Day...
Santa's "Scuttle-bug" bike was a bust. All four wheel swiveled making it way to tricky to steer any which way. Isaac couldn't figure it out. Although he gets an A+ for effort. He got very creative!
Christmas afternoon with my family...
Isaac found Charlies "Seat belt" aka helmet and would not take it off!
They are such dorks! I love that they love each other.
A tender and emotional moment.
Miscellaneous Utah fun...
a bunch of goof balls playing nerdy games :)
Dinner with sisters...
Movie with the girls...
playtime with cousin Lexi
Skiing with my dad and family at Brighton
Tubing with Isaac!
He was very excited!!
He'd say, "Again momma? Again woohoo?!"
***
I realize we have only had a few holidays without Atticus but I have also realized that its after the holiday thats the worst for me. The holidays keep us busy and then once they are over.... it all sinks in and I fall a part.
I felt it coming. Christmas day ended with tears but wasn't as horrible as I thought it was going to be, but the 26 came and I felt the intense sadness seeping in. The 27th came and the pain got deeper and darker and it was getting harder for me to put on a happy face. Then it came. Saturday after Christmas I had a nervous breakdown. Eric went night skiing with the guys and us ladies were going to see Les Miserable. Why you ask? Because we were stupid. I knew I shouldn't see it. Even as we were getting in the car. But I didn't want to be the downer and party pooper. As soon as the movie started and the one guy is pulling on the rope in pain, I got a pit in my stomach and knew it wasn't going to be good and that I shouldn't be there. That I should get up and leave. But I didn't. Person one dies- I try to look past it.... Person two dies, now I'm teary, putting my head down and plugging my ears... Person three dies, and I'm thinking,"I can't do this. I can't sit here in this stupid theater watching this stupid movie any longer." Fully crying now, we left the theater. I was silent the entire drive home, but I felt it coming. I couldn't do this anymore. I had been too strong for too long. I wanted to go home. I wanted Eric. I wanted a different ending. We get the the Hansen house, where we were staying, I walk in the door and Lance, my father-in-law was at the kitchen table. I asked him where Eric was. He asked if I was OK. I didn't reply but asked him again, "Where's Eric?" my heart racing. He said he and the guys went to see a late move and asked if I was OK. I turned right around, went out the front door (Stacie, my mom, Becky, and Bethy were still outside) and I fell to the ground hyperventilating and crying. I was hysterical.
That two year old tantrum that I wanted to have throughout Atticus' cancer happened and happened big time. Everyone was trying to comfort me and calm me down. Stacie trying to get me to drink water, Bethany rubbing my back, my mom wanting me to talk to my Aunt Linda, whose a nurse, to help me breath, Lance wanting me to go inside the house. And the anger kept building and building till it blew. I started screaming. NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOO! over and over again. Screaming at the top of my lungs. No I don't want water. No I don't want to go inside or talk on the phone. No I don't want Atticus to be dead. NO NO NO NO. I wanted to die. It was the first time that I really had suicidal thoughts.
Thankfully they got a hold of Eric and then I fell a part all over again in his arms. He tired to get me to stand up, but I couldn't. I didn't have the strength. He tried to get me to breath deep. But I couldn't. After some "tough" love, he helped me stand up and we went for a quick walk where I told him I was done. I can't do it anymore. I could be strong while Atticus was here, but I can't now that he's gone. That I felt like I had nothing left in me. That he deserves more. Isaac deserves more. And that I wanted to die. I was done.
We went inside. Crawled in to bed. Held each other and we cried.
Sunday was a pretty somber day. I went to visit my sweet friend Tiff, her daughter Sadie is I'm sure, one of Atticus' angel BFF's. Not that you want this type of situation to happen to anyone but it is nice to be around someone who truly understands. Someone who held her baby as she left for heaven just like we did. Tiff's a rock and a dear dear friend.
Once back at the Hansen house, everyone was over for Sunday dinner. Eric was up in our room. He was having a hard day and didn't want to be around happiness. Of course we want people to be happy, but its hard ya know? Hard that although others love and miss Atticus, for the most part their lives get to go back to normal. Their sadness isn't the same as ours. And sometimes its just too hard to be around.
We weren't planning on leaving Utah until Tuesday night but come Sunday night we were done and just wanted to be alone. So Monday morning we packed up, loaded the car and headed for home.
It was an interesting drive home and took 25 hours, but we made it in one piece.
Back in Texas and straight to work....
CHRISTMAS 2007
Our first Christmas with Atticus. He was 8 days old!
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"JOY" is exactly what this sweet little baby brought to us!
CHRISTMAS 2008
Isn't crazy how much they grow and change in one year?
Tell me you don't want to just squeeze him. He is so stinkin' cute!
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CHRISTMAS 2009
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Captain of the presents!!
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"More presents...!!"
He LOVED the snow!
And love LOVED tubing with Mom and Dad. He was way to brave for my liking!
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CHRISTMAS 2010
Was a really fun Christmas. Atticus was so much fun and got really excited about Santa!
Handsome for Christmas pics!
It was a perfect night. Christmas music. Tree decorating. Cookie decorating! He kept saying, "Come on Fam, lets decorate the tree" over and over! He loved it.
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We ended up having to bring his tree upstairs in his room!
He didn't want to sleep in his bed. He wanted to sleep on the floor by his tree.
He didn't want to sleep in his bed. He wanted to sleep on the floor by his tree.
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Christmas painting!
In Uncle Zachy-boys Christmas sweater!
He wasn't quite sure about Santa...
During our Christmas Eve party, he quietly tiptoed downstairs then, interrupting Great Grandpa Lonczyna's Christmas story, excitedly shouted, with present in his hand, "Mom, this present has an 'A' for Atticus! That means its for me! Can I open it!!"
He changed his mind last minute on what he wanted Santa to bring! Thankfully Santa works quickly and was able to deliver a Lightning McQueen Scooter!!
Daddy.. Atticus.. Mommy w/Isaac in tummy!
CHRISTMAS 2011
He sang Christmas carols all season long. Silent Night being his favorite!
Preschool treats! Man I miss him.
He sang Christmas carols all season long. Silent Night being his favorite!
Preschool treats! Man I miss him.
He was SOOO excited when Santa came! I have the cutest video of him.
He got is first Hot Wheel race track and was beyond excited! His obsession had begun!
CHRISTMAS 2012
You were in our thoughts every second of every day sweet boy!
I love and miss you so very very much.
16 comments:
I know that we have never met and somehow I hurt for you and I have followed your story and cried so many times for you but this was so hard to read. My sister lost her son for a different reason at the age of 3 and I can see and feel the pain you feel. I just want you to know that I pray for you.
They days after holidays are always so so hard! I felt the sadness creeping in on the 26th too. I am so sorry Cindy. xoxo
I lost my sister/best friend suddenly due to Asthma 2 years ago. She was 39 years old and had just finished getting her RN degree. We were very close in age and when she died, she took part of my heart. I get sick a couple of days before a holiday and then a day or two afterwards, I have a breakdown where I will scream and cry all day. We were suppose to grow old together. I can't remember how I stumbled across your blog, but I love reading it because our family feels the same way. I heard once that, "Time doesn't heal the pain, but gives us the strentgh to carry on" Grief does not have a time frame so, if we need to cry or vent, we always have that right for as long as we want. Sometimes people don't want to hear about our loved ones death anymore, but we need to find someone who will and who will understand. Thank you for writing about your feelings. Many of our family members have thought about suicide but we pull each other up and carry on. There are 5 stages of grief~Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I have not reached the acceptance stage and I don't know that I ever will. We have stuff that has happened in our lives that cannot be explained and it gives us the faith that she is always with us and we will be reunited again someday, but until that day, we miss her so bad it hurts. I hope you have a better day. I can only take it one day at a time. Thanks for listening to me. Jerrie
I was just balling as I read this, knowing that my heartache is only a fraction of what you and your family feel. I can not imagine how you are feeling. I want you to know that you and Atticus have inspired me to be a better mother, more loving and more patient. When my three adorable kids ages 5, 4, and 2 drive me bonkers instead of losing my cool I stop cleaning/cooking/doing laundry/etc. and I sit down on the floor and play with them, all the while thinking about sweet Atticus which of course brings a smile to my face, every time this happens we are surrounded by an overwhelming sense of calmness and peace. You have a very special boy!
I have no words, other than to tell you I am sending you Love. Lots and lots of love.
Linda
I am just a few miles down the street off of hwy 80 and think of your sweet boy and your family every time I drive past the Sunnyvale exit. Today I just feel your pain and grief and cannot fathom what you must go through everyday. I just got the mail when I I finished your post and opened the new Ensign only to find a reference to this talk by the bossman Elder Holland https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/04/broken-things-to-mend?lang=eng
" I speak to those who are facing personal trials and family struggles, those who endure conflicts fought in the lonely foxholes of the heart, those trying to hold back floodwaters of despair that sometimes wash over us like a tsunami of the soul. I wish to speak particularly to you who feel your lives are broken, seemingly beyond repair.
To all such I offer the surest and sweetest remedy that I know. It is found in the clarion call the Savior of the world Himself gave. He said it in the beginning of His ministry, and He said it in the end. He said it to believers, and He said it to those who were not so sure. He said to everyone, whatever their personal problems might be:
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
Please know you're in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending loving thoughts and prayers for you Mama Cindy!
Nothing I do or say can change what has happened or bring your AMAZING boy back to you (sure wish it could!!!), but I want you to know that I think of you often and always pray for you to have the strength and the courage to hang in there and make it through this tough trial.
Also, I want you to know that it's OK to have meltdowns! Don't feel guilty or bad that you are having a hard time--you lost your sweet boy! Of course it will be hard and those who love you will understand that.
Just take it one day at a time and know that SO many of us are rooting for, praying for, and cheering you on. Hang in there.
-Melissa
Oh Cindy, my heart is truly breaking for you and your husband, These were the thoughts that came to my mind as I just knelt down and said a special prayer for you... You cannot do it on your own and Heavenly Father doesn't want you to even try. Losing a son is too much to carry by yourself, it is too painful. That is one of the reasons why He sent His Son,to carry us through, to take our sorrows, our deep sorrows and pains away. And I know that He can because of the Atonement. Through the Atonement your heart can be healed and you will be given the strength and comfort that you need each day, each moment. Cindy I cannot even slightly imagine the pain that you are feelings. And no one can except for one person, Jesus Christ. Sweet little Atticus is up with Christ right now, he was too perfect to be here on earth... You were privileged to be the mom to a true angel, a perfect little boy. Can you just imagine the warm and tender smile that Heavenly Father had when He sent you Atticus? He knew you were strong enough and faithful enough to endure this trial with Heaven's help. And I know you will see him again, that the four of you will be reunited and I can only imagine what that reunion will be like. Stay close to our Savior and rely on His Atoning sacrifice to help carry you. You have a very special plan here on earth and Christ needs you to fulfill it. You are strong, you are loved, and Christ's arm is reaching down to you tonight, His arms will encircle you about and hold you and carry you. I hope you feel the love and prayers of hundreds of people who are praying specifically for you tonight. You are in every single prayer of mine!
-Macy
I was just reading what Macy wrote. She is so right. Prayers for your next day, next hour, next step - you have a band of prayer warriors across the miles who are always thinking about you and making sure you are not alone.
Hi Cindy. I also read Ashley Sullenger's blog. She lost her daughter in a tragic accident and her blog is so inspiring I thought you might like to read through it and hopefully find some guidance and comfort. Sullengers (dot) com
You are in my heart and prayers, sister. Such a hard road before you. One minute at a time - that is all you have to do. Never feel badly that you feel badly - you are human, just how the Lord made you. May love and the angels, armies of them, be with you.
Oh darling. {Sigh}. I'm not sure how I missed this post until now- oh well. Sure love ya.
Cindy, I wish so badley to take a part of your pain from you. I continue to send prayers to you and your family.
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