Ups and downs

It's been one heck of week. I have had split personalities. One half, very emotional and depressed. The other, completely detached. So I am either bawling my eyes out or can't cry even if I wanted to. I have no motivation to do anything yet am feeling overwhelmed by everything.

Night before last Eric and I held each other and cried from about 2am to 4am. I love my husband. I cannot imagine a better man by my side. It is so hard to see him hurting. He tries so hard to be strong for me and the kids, and does an incredible job but he's suffering too. I would do anything to take away his pain.

 Tuesday we met with the funeral home and it gets put in the "one of the worst days of my life" file. It was very hard to say the words of out loud... "My child is dying of cancer." It's pretty much impossible to say without loosing it. As Eric and I were talking to the funeral director I went from, "I CAN'T do this" to talking like it was no big deal. Something you talk about and plan everyday.

 And then it got ugly and surreal. We entered the casket room. It was horrible. But it's done. The worst of "the worst" decisions have been made and I never want to make them again. Ever.

 Atticus had his appointment at the Oncolcgy office Thursday. It was the first time we saw the doctors with the look of defeat in their eyes. Each one has offered to do house visits if traveling is too much for him or us. They are an amazing group of men. It's unreal to think that our journey is already at the "pain management and comfort" stage. I still can't believe this is happening that this is our life.

This has been one heck of a roller coaster. Atticus gets symptoms. Gets diagnosed and we go through the emotions of "our childs not going to live long." We watch his symptoms get worse. We watch his symptoms get better. We watch as his body changes from lean string bean to a cute as can be chubber. We watch as symptoms come back. Sit in fear in the emergency room. We wait for MRI results. Pray for healing. We watch as his body breaks and falls a part. We hold him hugs and kisses away from death. We witness a miracle. And watch as his journey back to Heaven draws near. He is digressing. Physically and mentally. When we got home from the hospital, he could walk a short distance between Eric and I. But is unable to now. You can see the atrophy in his legs. He CAN sit up on his own but not as frequent or for as long. He's not eating. For example, at thursdays doctors appointment, he ate ONE saltine then at bedtime he ate a string cheese and small handful of pretzels. And that's it. The entire day. Thank goodness he is on a milk kick and drinks it throughout the day. We switched to whole milk. Bless his heart, he's hungry and food sounds good to him but once I make it he says, "that's ok mom, I can keep thinking" or "I guess I didn't want that after all." He wears a diaper 24-7 now. 

Over the last few days we have noticed some memory loss. Each day has gotten a little worse. For instance, he wanted to make a grocery list- he loves making lists... " celery spices a racer cherries lettuce mushrooms oh and some oranges." In that short period of time while i was his scribe he said, "oh and dont forgt to add mushrooms to my list" twice. While at target shopping he asked at least two times if we got the mushrooms. Then between our drive home from target and that night he asked about five more times if we we got the mushrooms or, "ah nuts, we forgot the mushrooms." Each time I reminded him not to worry, we got the mushrooms. The memory thing is a hard one for me. Atticus has an amazing mind and is so smart. He remembers everything. The cute artist song that he and Mrs. Cherry sang a few months back, he no longer knows. That's a big deal for him. He spends his waking hours either on the couch or in his bed. We play candy land. Watch movies... Uncle Matt spoiled him and got him his very own ipad and Loaded it with movies. Atticus was SO excited. We organize his cars in to "like" "dislike" or " thinking about it" piles. And we snuggle. He is awake for maybe 2 hours before he is ready to sleep again.

We have had a lot of really cool things planned and scheduled that we canceled.. He had the opportunity to fly on a little four seater airplane. Had the opportunity to ride a camel at the zoo, had our horse back riding adventure scheduled, a scout camp out was planned, he was given the opportunity to participate in the grand am NASCAR race in Detroit.... All of which we expressed our gratutude but canceled. He just isnt up for going out any more and is more comfortable being at home.

Our "adventure list" was created by Atticus. It's been so fun for him. Has has LOVED checking things off. So it's only fitting that he calls the shots. He has our full support in deciding to put our "Adventure List" to rest (no punn intended). We had a great run. Did some incredible things and made some amazing tender memories to which I will always be grateful for. Eric and I want to thank all of you who helped make each adventures special. No adventure was just simply done but done in grand measures. From our departures to arrivals to home, everything was amazing.

Cancer is such a harsh road and gives even harsher results. It has forced our already mature little boy to mature even more. He has always been wise beyond his years but even more so now. I have been selecting my favorite pictures and home videos to make a movie for the service and it has been so very hard. I look at the pictures and am filled with so many emotions. Happiness. Sadness. Longing. I watch the videos and my heart aches. There is a really cute clip of Atticus decorating his very own Christmas tree this last December, wishing us a Merry Christmas. He is putting on the "jewelry-ments" aka ornaments and I broke down in tears. I miss him. I want him back. It was an incredibly short yet excruciatingly long 5 months ago. He seemed so little. None of us knew what 2012 had in store for us.

Yesterday was a hard day for him. He was extra lethargic didn't eat anything until 9PM. As I lay snuggled up to him in bed, silent tears running down my cheeks I panicked, with "this could be it" and "what if it's happening right now" thoughts. He stirred. Stirred some more then started vomiting. I was home alone my phone in the kitchen and I didn't want to leave his side, so I had him throw up in his medicine tray and wiped his mouth and nose with my shirt. Yes vomit was coming out his nose. Once I felt like he was stable enough, I quickly grabbed my phone, called hospice, text Eric, snuggled up close to Atticus and cried. I was so scared. I kept telling him over and over that I love him, that I am proud of him. Not to be scared that mommy is right here and will stay right by his side. Over and over. I looked at him, eyes burning with emotion and the fear of not having his sweet lips to kiss. Soft hands to hold. Rosey cheeks to love on. The reality of his sweet voice becoming a memory all too soon. I love him. I miss him. Is is so hard to see him sad and in pain. To see him with such low energy.

 I find peace in knowing that Heavenly Father has as special mission in store for Atticus. That he is one of Heavenly Fathers finest. That Eric and I will always be his parents and that we are an eternal family but my goodness this is hard. I know all these things bring peace but also know that unfortunately, in this life, I will have 50+ years of missing him. A whole in my heart that will always be there. It's hard coming to terms with that. And makes me sick to my stomach. We will never be the same. Yes with time we will be happy again but never the same. Maybe thats good. Maybe that's bad. Probably both.

I know that we all have angels surrounding us. I know that Heavenly Father is giving Atticus extra strength courage and comfort. Atticus' incredibly smooth transitions with the rough changes he has had to face is remarkable. He is remarkable. I attest that to our loving Heavenly Father. I strongly believe that Atticus is getting more guidance comfort and knowledge than our physical earthly bodies are able to know. He is being carried by the unseen hand and I am so grateful for that.

Each day is a blessing and a curse. Consisting of so many different emotions. I am so glad that my beatiful 4yr old is right next to me but hurting knowing he is hurting. Thank you for your continued supports prayers and love. It gives us strength and comfort in knowing we are not alone..

 Xoxo, Cindy

*Although we had to cancel our horse back riding adventure, our sweet friend Nicole from Waco, who is an AMAZING photography came to us and took some incredible pictures. click HERE