Rough Day(s)

Its Eric again.

     This is hard.  When Atti was first diagnosed, I knew we were in for some rough times, but I had no idea.  Seeing Atticus digress as the cancer progresses has been excruciatingly difficult.  He gives us moments and flashes of himself throughout the day (usually right after a nap and a dose of morphine), but most of the time, he sleeps or rests on the couch.  He's not eating much, and although we try to keep him as comfortable as possible with meds, I can tell that he is not happy.  I already miss him.  I miss him running and playing, I miss watching him play sports, and most of all, I miss seeing him happy.  What I wouldn't give for just one more day with a healthy Atticus.

     We had planned to go to Utah in July to see our families, but Atti's recent struggles/prognosis have forced everyone to come to us.  It is great to have them here as a support, but sad at the same time.  They know they are coming to say goodbye and its hard to watch.  My family had been planning a really fun trip in July with lots of activities, and we have tried our best to do it here, but Atti just wasn't up for most of it.  It just tears me apart to see Atticus longingly watch his cousins run around having fun.  He is such a trooper and doesn't complain hardly at all, but sometimes it is just too much for him.  On Saturday we went to an arcade and Atti wanted to play ski-ball, but he ended up in tears because he didn't have the strength to get the balls up the ramp.  Seeing things like that are some of the hardest moments for me.  

     It has been difficult for everyone to say goodbye.  My older brother Chris, his wife and three kids, and my sister Sarah left on Monday morning, my two brothers Dustin and Zach left Monday evening, and my Mom and Dad and brother-in-law Brett left today.  It has been really tough to watch them say goodbye to him.  I know my time to say goodbye is fast approaching and it terrifies me.

    Cindy and I met with a funeral home director and planned Atticus' funeral today.  The biggest oversight in the English language is beginning the word "funeral" with the letters F-U-N.   Looking at cemetery plots and caskets etc. was just plain surreal.  I don't think my body allowed me to really comprehend what was happening until we got in the car to go home.  I have really tried to keep it together the past couple of weeks, but I lost it as we pulled into our driveway.  I am so very lucky to have such a wonderful women by my side to comfort me.  But I miss her too.  One of us (usually her) sleeps with Atticus because it has been a source of comfort to him.  We are happy to allow him that comfort, but because of that, Cindy and I don't get much time to be together.  During the day, one of us is usually with Atti, while the other is with Isaac, or getting a few things done.  It seems like the only time we get alone together we are talking about meds, Atti's pain, FUNeral stuff etc.  I love her so much, and just like I miss seeing Atti happy, I miss seeing her happy. I love you sweetheart and would give anything I had to make this go away.

     Having said all that, Cindy and I are surrounded by such wonderful people.  We are so blessed to have such caring, thoughtful and generous people in our lives.  Family, old friends, new friends, and strangers who are now friends have been so wonderful to us.  I simply can't thank you all enough for the service, thoughts, and prayers that we have received.  I am deeply humbled by it, and it strengthens my faith in God to see His children following the example of the Savior.  I pray that God blesses your lives for blessing ours.