It was a BEAUTIFUL weekend. Saturday morning we made a yummy breakfast, went to a local nursery to pick out flowers and herbs. Then Daddy and Atticus went golfing while mommy grandma talked (we are VERY good at it) and Isaac napped.
Once the boys were home from golfing we played outside for hours.
Isaac loves the swing!
Grandma's Magic Bag brought a KITE...
We had SO much fun!
It was perfect kite flying weather.
It was perfect kite flying weather.
Seriously, this kite was awesome!
Rumor has it that Grandma's Magic bag stopped by Costco if your interested!!
Rumor has it that Grandma's Magic bag stopped by Costco if your interested!!
SUNDAY...
We all went to church! Daddy. Mommy. Atticus. Isaac. Grandma. I was so excited to have Atticus with us but nervous as well. He didn't want to go to Primary at first (class for the children where the get to sings songs and have a fun lesson) but he changed his mind and DID want to go. I brought a big bottle of hand sanitizer and as each child sat down, I gave 'em a squirt!
One of children's best quality is there innocence. I know that they don't mean to hurt feelings and don't know that some comments may hurt feelings, but a few comments were said, "Why are his cheeks so big?" and "His head is huge!" and "How come he is so much bigger?" I pray that he didn't hear any of them or that Heavenly Father blessed him with temporary deafness. It took every bone in my body to not cry to not scold to not grab Atticus and go home. I tried to respond as "happy" as I could and said, "We LOVE chubber cheakers at our house!"
It was a tough Sunday. An emotional Sunday. If Atticus didn't leave as happy as he was, I wouldn't take him again. But he did. He left happy. Telling us, "He was crackin' the adults up!" His Primary teacher sent me a text that day telling me how cute he is and that he has the best giggle.... I agree!
I am so grateful for all the wonderful people that surround us. The wonderful people that offer love and support. I know everyone means well and are trying to offer comfort in such a trying time. And Im grateful. Im grateful for their good intentions but sometimes it causes me more pain than comfort. What's comforting to one may not be comforting to another. And maybe later it will be comforting but after hearing the comments said to Atticus and already being incredibly emotional and sensitive, stories told did more harm than good. Please don't me wrong or think me rude. Normally those tender stories are a strength, but like I said, this particular Sunday was a hard Sunday.
We got home from church and I had a total meltdown. I went to my closet and cried my eyes out. My sweet husband came in to comfort me and I snapped at him, "I don't want to be told to cheer up and I DON'T want words of encouragement." I felt bad. I love you honey. Thanks for being by my side no matter what I say and do.
I tried to dry me tears, went out (Atticus was calling for me) and tried to function. Atticus was being silly and wanted a "dance partner", silly thing between us. I picked him up and we danced like crazy people. Then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. We're not going to dance forever. I quickly put him down and told him, and daddy I needed to go for a walk.
I walked for an hour and cried every minute of it. Somedays its hard. It's too much. Sunday was one of those days.
Thankfully, Heavenly Father heard my cries and blessed me with the strength to go back home and put a smile on my face. We played. Put the kids down for a nap. I cried again. I hate cancer. I hate it. The kids woke up. I dried my tears and we played some more. It ended up being a good afternoon.
I snuggled with Atticus all night. Grateful that for right now, he's in my arms.
Thank you all for being here for us. Thank you for understanding that Im only human. Im going to make mistakes. I hope that my mistakes don't offend. Im using a very small portion of my brain to "cover" real life. So If I do say or do something stupid, please remember Im functioning an a very small small portion of my brain :)
xoxo
23 comments:
I love you so very much. Sending big hugs and kisses:) I'm always here if you need anything.
Grandma Hansen is so fun! How lucky to have a magic bag! Kite flying looked very fun. And I love the new swing for Chunkers!!!
I'm glad Atti had fun at church. I wish I was there to trip every single kid that said something rude to Atti. I know they don't understand, and they probably wouldn't have understood why I would have tripped them either.
I love you. You are doing the best you can, each day and you should be really proud of yourself for that. I am so proud of you Cind. I'm so proud of the parents you and Eric are and the support you are to each other. Don't worry about snapping at Eric, he knows how much you love him. Poor Jason, I snap at him all the time. I think he probably thinks that is just the normal tone in my voice at this point! LOL! We continue to pray for you guys every day and I am really grateful to you guys for inspiring us to incorporate that into our lives...it had been a while :) Love, Stacie
I don't know you, but I read your blog and I just wanted to say that I think you are amazing. You are such a wonderful mom. And I love how you are honest about when things are hard and when things are good. I just wish your little family didn't have to go through this. Praying for you all!
-Natalie
You don't have to apologize to anyone for your feelings. Cancer sucks. You are a champ. You are dealing with this every single moment of every single day you're allowed to be real and honest and we love you for it. You are so loved and supported no matter what you say so don't you worry. I love you and am so proud of you. You continue to amaze me each and everyday. Nothing but unconditional love here so you're allowed to be real. I love love love love you. I'm thinking I'm going to go move in with Jocelyn for a few weeks so I can be close!
You are doing an awesome job. There is no perfect way to handle cancer. It is individual and personal. You are doing an awesome AWESOME job.
I hate cancer too!! Like HATE HATE. :) You are so great and so loved.
xoxoxox
Ang
I can't remember how I came upon your blog but I found it shortly after Atticus was diagnosed. You have *every* right to feel sad and to want to cry and scream. I think you have done an AMAZING job being Atticus' mommy and holding him up through this terrible diagnosis. I find you and your family inspiring and wonderful. I especially love the cute little sayings that Atticus comes up with. Soooooo sweet.
Oh you are so brave. Don't worry about the crying. Its a natural part of grieving and its important to cry. Its okay. Your life is incredibly hard right now and I think you have every right to throw the biggest temper tantrums in the world. Life is not always fair (my mother used to always say that to me). Thankfully we have a tender loving Heavenly Father who is aware of you and loves you and LOVES Atticus.
Hang in there. You are doing great! Know that there are strangers praying for your dear family across the country. May God grant you peace, courage, and strength....and time!
You don't know me, I came across your blog by way of another blog. Thanks for letting strangers into your families struggles and giggles. You have made me a better mom to my 4 kids. I can't imagine going through what you are going through. You and your family are in my prayers. You remind me to just be present and enjoy all the little moments with my kids.
I just wanted to let you know that I owe you and your family a big Thank You!! Not for sharing your family with us(even though that is very generious of you), but for bring me closer to our Heavenly Father! It is something that I have struggled with my whole life and reading your blog and "meeting" your family has filled my heart with His spirit and love. Are you selling those bracelets and if so how can I purchase 3? Please know that a family a 3 from Iowa prays and thinks about you daily! Thank you for bringing Heavenly Father into my home!
God bless you and your family. All of your supporters understand the raw emotion that you feel. There is no playbook or handbook for dealing with childhood cancer. You are doing amazingly well for you sons. May you be lifted in prayers from family, friends and supporters. Continued prayers from the new Orleans area.
Cindy, I love you. Like L.O.V.E. love you. More than words can say. More than I can express. More each day than I thought possible. Through my tears...I love you.
First of all, you do not have to apologize for anything you are feeling. You have a right to those emotions. You have the right to cry and be mad. I am proud of you for facing those feelings and not just shoving them to the side.
I am so sorry Sunday was hard. I am so sorry that kids/people say things that are unwanted and uninvited. I am so sorry that this is happening.
We love you all so much. We are here if you need anything and would do anything to help. I think another girls night is in order sometime soon. And if Eric needs a guys night Rob's up for that too! XOXO
We recently became FB friends, and although you don't me, I am one of your BIGGEST fans! My fast yesterday was for my sister (who has brain cancer), and for Atticus. I TRULY believe that Heavenly Father loves you so very much. You must remember how innocent kids are. Art Linkletter (a super old man...he may be dead) once said, "Kids say the darndest things!" You're the lucky one to have a son with a super funny sense of humor! Some kids don't get it, and others are just so innocent. BUT, I'm certain they all love Atticus - even complete strangers like me LOVE him to death! I think the fact that thety asked questions shows that they love him and care about him. I hope you all have a super fantastic week - what a wonderful grandma Atticus and Isaac have! She is an inspiration to all of us grandma out there!
You are acting like a mother who loves her child only the way a mother can love, and whose heart is breaking only the way a mother's heart can break. Don't ever apologize.
I so admire your strength, your faith, and beauty. It all shows through in your daily posts.
Thank you for letting complete strangers into your world. I eagerly await your updates, and celebrate each and every one of your family's milestones!
Your whole family continues to be in our family's prayers (and on the Boston Temple prayer roll).
Love from a stranger who is a friend! Leslie
oh Cindy, we love you so much. I don't think there is one person who wouldn't be feeling the same thing in your situation. You have the right to all those feelings. What I do know is a lot of people could never handle it as well as you do. You are amazing and are such an inspiration to so many people. Give Atti a hug and kiss from us.
I found your blog through Babycenter and I am so very sorry for what you are going through. You have such a beautiful family and I am so very impressed by how strong you are being for your son and you family. I can't seem to find any more words that can express how sorry I am. I will lend all my prayers to you and your son.
Cindy, you owe no apologies to anyone-you have every right to feel and express all your feelings. It's like you are climbing Mount Everest-it's so hard, few can even attempt it, and those who do may stumble on their way up, but those stumbles are amazing feats! You are an amazing mother-just amazing. I'm so sorry to hear that Sunday found you so tender with comments that hurt you, that must have been very hard. Your little Atticus is an incredible little boy and we pray for him and you and your husband every day. May your sweet heart be blessed and your spirits lifted. Love, Maria
Thank you so much for sharing that. We love your family.
Oh Cindy! Every mom would feel that same way that you did at church, only I don't think I could have been as nice about it as you. No feeling bad for such natural emotions, seriously! No one (in their right mind) would be offended by anything you do or say right now! You could spit in my face and I would still love and adore you and be understanding that I likely deserved it as would probably everyone else. Others are the ones who really need to think before they say or act. You are definitely entitled to tantrums, snapping, and all the cries you need. Our hearts are with you all the way. We love you!
The kite looks so fun and the picture of "Chef Atti" with Grandma H is the cutest. Chunk is getting to be such a big boy! Big hugs to you guys and prayers that this week is going well! xoxo
I GET IT!! I went through the same thing when I had several people in my life pass to the other side. I got so sick of these flippant answers, just because people are uncomfortable with my tears! Just because they are so desperate to say "something"....it can be that "awful" that send you over the edge. Although we are not suppose to talk about it, or we will be called "sensitive". WE ARE NOT SENSITIVE! Yes I know "families can be together forever"!..."yes I know and have a testimony"! HOWEVER MY HUMAN HEART ONLY UNDERSTANDS HUMAN TIME, AND NOT ETERNITY. So right now, my human heart has just been ripped in two!
You don't know me, but I love you so very much. I cried my eyes out after your post. I wish I could give you a hug and cry with you. You are amazing. I cannot believe how Christ-like you are. You make me want to be a better person. Thank you for sharing your love and thoughts with the world. I am blessed to read your words. Im not great with words. I pray i have not been insensitive. Love, Karri
I think it's so hard because no one in the world knows Atticus like you do. No one understands him like you do. And even if others have experienced similar things, they haven't experienced them with your son. He's yours and nothing could be more personal than that. Just as someone else's child's pain and suffering are so personal to them.
I can't begin to comprehend what you must feel, and I won't pretend to. But I want you to know how grateful I am that you are so honest about it. You're amazing. I love you.
I wish we could have met when we were down in Texas, but I understand the down days during radiation. Hopefully we'll be back down there in June for my niece's graduation and maybe we can meet up then. There is no right or wrong way to deal with the grief that you are feeling. You have every right to feel whatever way you feel. It's all part of the process and sometimes it sucks. It sucks to have to fake being okay when you just want to curl up into the fetal position and bawl your eyes out. Right now I'm still numb after Ollie's death. It still doesn't seem real. It's been a month now and it feels like years. It's so hard to explain. Anyways... you do the best you can because things change minute to minute. You can do this.
Stacy
Ollie's momma - Forever 10
www.oliverpalmer.blogspot.com
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